Improves with Age

New Resolution Brings New Regime (Kinda)

2012-01-02T18:39:00.000-08:00

Or something like that.

Since becoming severely depressed our family has been living on a fairly steady diet of junk food. Absolute junk. Surprise surprise, this has really affected our health. I tried doing GAPS a while back and I loved it and it was fabulous and the kids were even getting into it, but then a got a pretty bad bladder infection and had to take antibiotics for it despite trying to fix it myself. Antibiotics are really good at killing your gut flora and I just gave up doing GAPS.

After lots of therapy and working on myself I'm finally at a tipping point. Continuing to eat junk is worse than the pain it will take to change it. And I think the pain will be considerable. All four of us are very addicted to sugar and simple carbohydrates. BuggaBoo has been exhibiting what I'm calling "addict behavior" towards sweets. We will tell him to his face that whatever sweet (usually chocolate) belongs to another family member, but when we turn around he'll steal it and run to his bedroom to hide and consumes it greedily. Not a pretty situation. I already knew that BuggaBoo doesn't respond well to sugar but the stealing is a new thing.

The plan is to get off sweets entirely (written after eating two cookies) and get off grains and, oh, try really hard to eat a Primal diet. Vegetables, meat and fats, eggs, fruits, nuts and seeds, in that order. We'll have dairy sometimes, the kids love their plain yogurt with a bit of jam or honey stirred in. We're hoping it'll help The Hubby with his Type I diabetes, me with my heath issues, and the kids in behavior and health arenas.

On this journey of mine I will not mention weight. Not one bit. I'm not doing this to lose weight, I'm doing this to regain health. I firmly believe in Heath at Every Size. I also experienced too much body policing in my lifetime and I don't want to hate myself for being whatever size. Whatever.

Instead I'm going to try to get rid of: back acne, acid reflux, fatigue, headaches, yeast infections, post nasal drip, stuffy sinuses, brain fog, sore joints, lack of energy, anxiety, irritability, digestive issues, and hormonal imbalances. In my children I'm hoping to see an improvement in their overall health and behavior (although I feel behavior is closely linked to health, 'cause if you don't feel well you don't behave well).

I'm going to do as well as I can but I'm not going to hold myself to a perfect standard. For me I easily fall into a perfection-punishment cycle. I don't want to be perfect, I want to be better. Two different things.

So, I'll blog about this. And I might not keep it up. And I won't beat myself up for it. Sounds like a great resolution to keep.

Urgh

2011-12-28T21:04:00.000-08:00

I just had an epic fall. I was getting a blanket from the closet for Doozer so she would stop stealing BuggaBoo's blanket (They've both been throwing up. Merry Christmas!). As I was walking back to the couch I shook out the blanket in front of my face. Wrong move.

The blanket hid the crayon box that was on the floor and I stepped right into it. Hard plastic slips really well on hardwood floors. I fell so hard on my left hip if I was 40+ years older I would have probably broken it. Good times.

I'm okay, just waiting for the awesome bruise I know I'm going to develop tomorrow.

Insights During and After My Latest Therapy Session

2011-12-01T22:35:00.001-08:00

Yay for insights that make sense!

I've been to seven or eight sessions of therapy so far. We're still laying down groundwork because I'm still trying to share everything that makes me tick and tic. I'm a pretty complicated person.

So let's visit my first insight, the one I gained during my session. My previous session The Hubby was with me and we were talking about my internet "problem". No, not that, unless what you're thinking about is spending too much time on the computer, and then you're right on the money. I am on the internet Way Too Much. The last two weeks or so I finally figured out that a big reason why I visit InternetLand so much is because it's one way I sooth my anxiety. But during my session I discovered a deeper, if slightly more pathetic, reason why I'm here all the time.To sufficiently understand what I'm about to reveal I need to give a lengthy explanation.

I'm a weird person. I've never felt like I've really fit in anywhere. My personal opinions vary widely from liberal to conservative. But I can't hang out with liberals because I'm conservative on key points, and I can't jive with conservatives because I'm freakishly liberal on others. I'm not moderate because I'm not super lukewarm about anything.

The best way I found how to explain it to my therapist was through outward expression of myself: fashion. One day I'll want to dress completely punk with ripped fishnets and black nail polish, the next I might want to be ultra conservative with a pencil skirt, and blouse, and cardigan. Yet later in the week I might be decked out in my beloved country-western garb complete with heavy turquoise jewelry. I'm sure many people I associate with choose one of those personalities as my main identity and believe the others are costumes I wear to amuse myself. The truth is they are all aspects of me, they are all my true self. But if you focus on just one of them then you'll miss out on most of me.

We then talked about my love for the, um, "out there" stuff. I love crazy hair colors. I think tattoos and body piercings are pretty cool. I can find beauty in all types, I am not wedded to one standard. I told her that I really fit in with the Portland scene and she agrees. But we talked about how I've had to repress a lot of that because it doesn't fit in with my main culture, Mormonism.

Basically I fear making friends because I have been burned often for who I am. I have had some people be very cruel to me, especially women who belong to my religion. I have very few friends I am mostly honest with, perhaps five. Out of the five people that I'm pretty-sure-I-can-trust-but-not-100%-sure-because-they-don't-know-100%-of-me only three live nearby. And I have one person who is not family that knows all of me and accepts me and that is The Hubby.

So this really does all tie into why I'm on the internet all the time. I belong to a lot of different groups online. Some are about natural living, some are about attachment parenting, some have political affiliations, and some are religious based. Not one of them fulfills me entirely. But together, that's a different story. All together these different forums and communities feed every aspect of me. And they are all found on The Internet. And the exact thing I told my therapist was, "I am friends with The Internet. That is so lame."

So, there it is. I'm so socially awkward in real life I turn towards a non-human entity because, A) I don't have many friends in real life because people don't want to be my friend and B) I'm afraid to reach out to real people anymore because I've been hurt so much.

So, if that wasn't enough realization for one day (And it wasn't the only insight I had during that session, just the biggest. Really, therapy is exhausting.) I had another on the bus going home. And, I'm sorry, it also needs an enormous backstory to make any sense.

Like I mentioned earlier The Hubby attended my session previous to the last. I wanted him there because I was doing to start delving into my aversion to housework. A phrase that kept coming from me was, "I just want to be taken care of." This prompted my therapist to ask me to explain my fantasy life. So I started into it.

It began with me sleeping in and not having to take care of the kids in the morning, not making breakfast, not cleaning because all that would be done for me. I said I would like to spend time with my children on my own terms. I started faltering at this point and said, "Man, this is all so selfish." She countered with, "Of course it is, it's your fantasy. Tell me more." So I continued a bit in the same theme.

My therapist then asked, "Do you want to be treated like a child? Is that what you need?" I vehemently countered, "No, I wanted to be respected, I want to be treated like an adult. I want people to respect my intellect and insights and feel like I have something to offer." So she said, "You want to be a queen?" And I said, "Yes, wait, no! I don't want all that responsibility. Well, I do want to take on responsibilities, but I want to choose when I do." And then I cried a lot because everything I want in life is so contradictory and not anything even logical.

I kept carrying on about how selfish and pathetic it all was. After I calmed down a bit my therapist (okay, saying "my therapist" all the time is super clunky, she's going to be Dr. L now) explained that having me truly discover what my fantasy is will help me discover what my deepest hurt is. Basically I think my fantasy life will fix everything, so we can look at it like a prescription. By using that prescription we can find out what the ailment is. Dr. L asked me to think more about my fantasy and see if that leads me to my wound.

So I thought and thought and thought. One thing that stood out to me was the question, "Do you want to be treated like a child?" and my angry response that I wanted to be respected like an adult. But I couldn't ignore that I wanted to be physically taken care of.

Then my first insight came. I tried to remember when I have ever felt like a child. Not in body but soul and mind. And I can't. I have always thought the way I do now. I may not have had the life experience to make 100% adult decisions as a child, but my thought process and logic have always been adult. This is something I've thought a lot about over the years, and every person I have surveyed about it agrees with me. No one has ever thought like a child. We have all been adults our entire lives.

That's what clicked it for me. I DID want to be treated like a child, but I wanted to be treated like a child that was also a person. I wanted to be treated like a child by a person that understood that children don't think like children but you have to care for and guide them like children. I wanted a parent. But why did I want a parent? And now I know why. This is what I wrote down on my bus ride home:

"Growing up in a home and religion where many of my feelings and experiences were invalidated I am now an adult that does not know how to trust and interpret my feelings and experiences. I don't know if my reactions are justified. I don't know if my perceptions are correct. I don't know if my action are right.

By suppressing most of my emotions my parents neglected to teach me which reactive emotions of mine are valid or excessive.

I am confused most of the time. I fear I overreact. I fear I underreact. I sometimes fear both at the same time. I don't know if people treat me well or poorly because I cannot trust my emotional reactions to their actions.

I feel like I need to seek out a wise person to re-parent me. Someone needs to teach me how to categorize my feelings. I don't know how to do it myself."

Basically I cannot trust my own reality. My parents treated most of my emotions as overreatctions. I know deep down that this is a lie, but I know that there is such a thing as overreaction. I never had the guidance to show me what a real overreaction is. The other side of that coin is because I was told most of my emotions were overreactions I don't know what an appropriate emotional response is.

A lot of my internal monologue goes something like this: "How that person treated makes me angry. Well, I don't know, maybe I should be angry about this. Maybe it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be. But what if it is, I'm really angry! I'm probably right, I should be angry about this. Well, maybe I should be more angry. Maybe outrage is the proper response. I don't know, I don't know. I should just drop it because I don't want to offend that person. But if they really did do something to offend me I should set a boundary with them. What if it's the wrong boundary? I just don't know what to do."

And so here is the kicker for me. Since I do not understand my own emotions I HAVE NO REALITY. There is nothing concrete about me, which probably contributes to my chameleon personality, but maybe it doesn't, but how do I know, but but but I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. If I can't trust my emotions what I can I trust?

Welcome to the life of a victim of gaslighting. Have you heard of it? Well, here are three good essays explaining the gist of it. I had come across the term months ago and knew it applied to me, but not until two days ago did I realize the extent of the damage. Nor did I realize all of those who have knowingly or unknowingly perpetrated it on me. It is a sobering thought. I'm grateful I set my next session next week instead of two weeks away. With this last revelation I think I'm finally ready to get down to business.

If any part of this post has offended you I direct you towards my disclaimer.

Absence Makes My Heart Grow Heavy

2011-11-29T14:07:00.000-08:00

I miss blogging. I miss pouring my soul onto the computer screen and having others share my life. I miss journaling my experiences so I can go back and read them and remember. I miss the sense of community that comes from weaving new friends from all over the world. I miss you guys.

I feel like I'm in a hard place. I have so much bubbling in me that wants to spew forth. I want to shout out my triumphs and terrors. But I am so very, very afraid of offending other people. Which sounds a little weird to me, because I'm really not afraid of speaking my mind, speaking the truth. I'm not afraid of hurting others' feelings.

I'm afraid of the repercussion from going down such a road. I fear that if I speak my mind, if I share my truth, and if it hurts someone, they will rain down judgement and guilt and anger on me. They will do everything in their power to bring me back into line to make their life more comfortable, no matter how it makes me feel. I feel those types of people will want me to suffer so they can stay in their happy place.

I do not believe that everyone who has done this to me knows exactly what they are doing. We are creatures that fear pain, and that fear of pain drives us to fix the situation. But sometimes we forget that change, even positive change, can hurt us. When I was a child I would get the worst cramps in my legs from growing. Growing pains are never fun. But I would never trade my physical growth to avoid that horrible physical pain. And so I think that those in my life that hurt me to end their hurt really don't understand what they do.

But even if they may not consciously realize they are trying to dominate my actions doesn't change the fact that they are doing just that.

I do not live in a fantasy world populated by cupcakes and unicorns. I don't expect everyone to agree with my world view. I don't expect others to never be offended by what I say. I don't expect people to not get angry if what I say angers them. I don't expect to be unchallenged in what I believe. I don't expect to not be called out if I'm being a bitch.

However, I want to say things that may expose a person's wrongdoings, or the wrongdoings of someone they fear. I may speak up for something in my life that has no bearing on another's life except to offend them. I will want to vent, to blow off some of my anxiety and work out my problems on "paper". I would like to be respected in these endeavors. I would like to be treated as someone who is working through major depression and anxiety. I would like to be handled with care. I want to be valued by who I am, not by my accomplishments or lack thereof. I want those that claim to love me to treat me with love.

Sometimes loving someone is not easy. Sometimes you have to hurt a person you love in order to help them grow. In love there is such thing as tact, but there is no such thing as never having conflict. People change, people grow, people rise, people fall. Those that love them see where they are coming from and help them on their journey.

Help me on my journey. Before you judge my future postings please try to see where I am coming from. If I bring you up specifically, please examine your own intents and actions before critiquing mine. When you disagree with or challenge me do so with love, not with the intent to lessen your own pain just because it hurts.

Please, do not smother me anymore. I can't take the silence, it makes my thoughts too loud. They scream at me. I have to let them out before forget who I am.

I'm an Anime Character!

2011-11-27T21:56:00.000-08:00

I've always wondered what I would look like as a Japanese cartoon. Now I know.

'Cause you gotta have blue hair.

Thank You and an Update

2011-10-07T02:22:00.000-07:00

Wow, thank you everyone for the love, it's just amazing. I'm even feeling it in The Real World; I had some friends/leaders from my church stop by tonight to bring me dinner and as much help as I could want. We're setting up playdates and meals and other such things. It was hard for me because I was embarrassed to be telling Real Live People about my depression and anxiety. I couldn't look them in the face. If you're reading this, Real Live People, I'm sorry. You deserved for me to be more engaged, but I just couldn't do it. Thank you for dinner, it was delicious.

Wednesday I had a session with a therapist from LDS Family Services. I was having mixed feelings about meeting with a Church sponsored therapist. On one hand it's nice to know that I don't have to explain my rather confusing religion to a doctor who may not know about it. Having grown up in the LDS Church has shaped my life immensely. There is really no culture like LDS culture! However, I was worried that I was going to get a religion-happy therapist that would boil my troubles down into Pray! Read your scriptures! Attend church meetings! Be faithful! Those are not the sort of answers I need right now. I was apprehensive (to say the least) about this initial interview.

My therapist is a splendid lady! And so professional, it was delightful. She had me fill out a questionnaire about my symptoms. There were some questions on the form about drug use, I replaced that with eating and junk food, since I have been soothing myself with food. The scoring scale is from 0-180. My total score was 136. A score over 63 is said to have "clinical significance." The doctor said that was the highest score she's ever seen, and she's been counseling for 15 years. I laughed when she told me that because I was relieved to know that a professional thought I was as crazy as I thought I was.

We quickly skimmed over my history to get a feel for what might be causing my funk. It is a many layered problem involving my childhood, past relationships, church indoctrination, personal expectations, extreme stress, and chemical imbalances. When the topic of religion came up my therapist was, hmm, I guess the best word is "aloof". She didn't start talking to me in a church member-to-church member way. It was very professional. I was very relieved.

Talking about my personal expectations was hard for me. It's was hard to admit that I don't necessarily find staying at home with the children to be rainbows and unicorn farts. It's hard to admit that I have dreams I want to actively pursue but feel from heavy outside and inside pressure to give them up because it's incompatible with being a 100% stay-at-home-mom. It's hard for me to say that the stress of dealing with kids is wearing for me, that I would be a happier person being a part-time-mom rather than full-time. Because a mother's place is in the home. And daycare is evil. And if I'm not with my kids all the time then how am I even a parent? And have I no faith?

Of course working through my childhood is going to be a massive undertaking. I'm looking forward to it but I know I'm going to be drained while dealing with it. There's just so much.

We discussed my postpartum depression that started with BuggaBoo and never really let up. She seemed surprised that I was never medicated, and looking back at how bad things were I'm shocked, too. What really hurts is there was many people, some medical professionals, that recognized my symptoms but didn't help me understand that what I was experiencing wasn't normal. My PPD coupled with untreated depression during my teenage years added to my father's (and possibly mother's) history of depression and mental disturbances makes for a strong case for organic causes. Not to say that it's 100% chemical, but that's a large aspect of it.

We did talk about medication. The doctor feels at this time it might be best to have a few sessions under my belt and see how that helps with my anxiety levels. I am open to taking something if I need it, which is a huge step for me considering how naturally minded I am when it comes to medication.

So, overall things were really great. We decided on weekly appointments because I am in crisis mode right now. It's going to help so much to know that every week I'm going to have time to myself to recharge and be able to work through things. Our car died a while ago so I'll have to take public transportation. At minimum it's a 90 minute trip there. So I'll have at least four hours to myself to just think or read or sketch or write or whatever. And there will be no guilt associated with it because it's something I have to do, so yay!

Again, thank you for your concern, it's heart warming. It's still surprising to me how many lives I've touched and blessed, and seeing how your all bless my life is an affirmation to me that we all need each other. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and God bless.

For a Giggle

2011-10-06T18:17:00.000-07:00

(BuggaBoo is running around with his little friend)

BuggaBoo: ...And now I got all your blood out!

Me: WHAT are you guys playing?!

BuggaBoo: (brandishing a two-foot glow stick) We're playing hide-and-seek...with these WEAPONS!

Me: Ah, okay, alright.

The Thief in My Life

2011-10-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

I have a thief that has come into my life.

This thief has stolen my marriage. I no longer have a partnership between equals, two adults striving to lift each other up. Ours is now a relationship of invalid and caretaker, child and guardian. There can be no true companionship between such as these.

This thief has stolen my children. Once my kids were people to marvel in, now they are things to be endured. They are inconveniences that loom before me. I am empty so they are never filled, and they devour me from morning until night.

This thief has stolen my motherhood. Instead of sharing light and love and patience I am made of rage and nerves and apathy. I cannot nurture and calm, I want to belittle and harm. A mother like me should be a mother to none.

This thief has stolen my enjoyment. I have not sewn in months, nor do I want to. I cannot bring myself to cook, we purchase "food" from fast food chains nearly everyday and consider ourselves lucky to be fed. I buy ingredients with intention to prepare dishes with love; instead they rot in my fridge like the whitewashed sepulchre. My garden is composting before my eyes and it barely stirs grief inside me. I start projects to abandon them at whim. I just do not care anymore.

This thief has stolen my delight in food. I eat to forget, to shun responsibility, to have an excuse to sit. I eat to feed my sadness, to quiet the pain, to tell the kids, "I'm busy." I used to eat for flavor and fun and family, but now I eat in shame and excess and loneliness. I am never filled.

This thief has stolen my innocence. Guilt is my daily companion. No matter the choice, no matter my path, I am buried in guilt. Every decision in wrong, blame is all I know. I embrace it, I lie with it, guilt is my abusive lover.

This thief has stolen my sleep. When I wake in the morning I long for my bed. The memory of comfort blankets all my thoughts. I want to sleep, to know nothing. I want to sleep, until it is time for such a thing, and then I cannot. I am compelled to stay awake, to feel edgy and driven, until I am forced to my bed in the early hours of the day. I need too much sleep and none at all.

There is a thief in my life.

It is depression.

I have been robbed.

Can't Catch a Break

2011-08-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday BuggaBoo fell and bit his lip badly. We didn't realize how deeply it was cut until later that day when the swelling went down and the bleeding stopped. We took him to the ER where they told us that stitches wouldn't be prudent and rinse it out three times a day.

This morning he woke up looking like this:

The gash has sealed up. His lip feels warm to the touch and he's starting to get a bit of red around the wound. We think some infection is in the sealed part.

Yes, we realize he has problems with his teeth. Our doctor attributes this mostly to his reflux and early eruption of teeth.

So that's been fun.

Earlier today I was cleaning out the chicken pen a bit and BuggaBoo was hanging out watching me. He was doing his normal I'm-three-and-don't-particulary-like-clothing-so-I'm-starkers routine. All the sudden he starts yelling, "Get away! Get away!" and then started screaming.

A wasp had bit him on the penis.

Like I said, poor kid can't get a break.

Discovery of a New Disorder

2011-08-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

Smurf Butt: (n) Condition of primarily the diaper-bound set. Genesis of disease is consuming excessive amounts of blueberries, resulting in fecal matter capable of staining, culminating in discoloration of the buttocks.

Saving Stained Clothing, One Dye Bath at a Time

2011-08-17T10:51:00.001-07:00

Little children stain their clothes.

It's just a fact of life. They don't have great self-feeding skills, they relish all things dirty, and I don't want to strip them down and pre-treat every time they drop something on themselves.

Usually extremely stained clothing is relegated to the category "play clothes". But I was noticing the other day that Doozer has way more play clothes than nice things. Several of her play clothes were shirts that I love and want to be worn in a more publicly acceptable way.

The idea I had was to dye her shirts a color that was dark enough to cover the stains. I love all things brown so that's what I went with. Cocoa Brown by Rit fit the bill perfectly.

I used the bucket method but used nearly boiling water for part of the bath. After throwing in the three shirts of Doozer I noticed that I had a lot more dye I could use. I scrounged in my own closet and came up with a light blue shirt that had a yellow stain on the front.

The clothes took the dye beautifully. The brown is a bit purple, but that could be because the initial color of the shirts were blue or pink. Right after rinsing I was a bit worried that the appliques were too dark, but washing a drying fixed the problem nicely. Here are the results:

I love how the ric-rac didn't take the dye. The buttons also stayed blue. On the other shirts the buttons became brown.

This one is still a bit stained, but it's a huge difference from before.

Here's my shirt. Sorry, there's no before. Just imagine a light blue shirt. The Hubby says the brown suits me better than the blue. I like how the stitching didn't take the dye.

And now for the last shirt. IN ACTION!

"Show me your shirt. No, not like that!"

In my humble opinion this was a great success. Doozer has gained three more outfits, we have some matchy-matchy clothes, and we got to play mad scientist in the backyard with the dye bath.

Have any of you guys dyed clothes you thought to be without redemption? Have you considered it? Any qualms or fears holding you back? Jump in! The dye bath's fine.

Trust

2011-08-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your toddler insists on carrying the eggs back from the hen house at the tender age of 15 months?

Let her show you she can do it.

She's broken only one egg so far. Doozer's been handling eggs for about three months now. Not bad for someone who still regularly stumbles.

This is the face she makes whenever we pull out the camera. I think she thinks she's smiling.

The Monster in My Bed

2011-08-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

BuggaBoo is an interesting creature. He likes things to be done just so, and he likes them to be done NOW! One of his most enjoyable activities is crawling into bed with us at the crack of dawn and nursing. Now, I like this ritual as well, but only so much. My perfect morning would be having the boy child wiggle under the covers, nurse once, and then drift off to sleep for another hour or two. His perfect morning would be to wiggle under the covers, kick The Hubby, demand to nurse, pretend to sleep for five minutes, demand to nurse, and then repeat until he finally wakes up Doozer much too early for her liking.

So mornings are something that need to be dealt with. See, Doozer is a fitful sleeper until about 4:00am, so I'm constantly nursing her or switching sides or trying not to move so she finally settles down. BuggaBoo likes to enter the scene between the hours of 5:00am and 6:00am, and since I can't fall asleep at the speed of light like The Hubby can I often don't get a lot of unbroken sleep. I've tried explaining to BuggaBoo that if I don't get sleep in the morning then I'm a grouchy mommy more prone to yelling and such, but at dawn he's not exactly thinking about the rest of the day.

We tried giving him a bright clock and telling him he can't come into our room until the first number was a seven, but that didn't work so well. He woke up at his normal time, came in, and I informed him it wasn't seven yet and he needed to go back to bed. Then every fifteen minutes, just as I was starting to fall asleep he would yell, "Is it a seven yet?" I would say, "Look at your clock," and he would say, "Oh, not yet!" Then the plug got knocked out of the outlet during play that day and I foresaw the plug-knocking happening every day since I don't have a protected outlet near the clock. I didn't want to reset the clock every night so we needed to think of something different.

What it really comes down to is BuggaBoo is very hungry in the morning. He has discerning tastes and often doesn't want to eat what's for dinner. I tell him that's it, that's what we're having, deal with it, so most of the time he doesn't eat enough and goes to bed with an empty tummy. This translates into massive nursing sessions at dawn o'thirty.

Last night I tried leaving out a snack for BuggaBoo in his bedroom. Inspired by these cute lunch plates I made him an underwater scene. I'm sorry there isn't a picture, it was 11:00pm when I finished! I cut three fish from a low-carb pancake, put them on a blue plate, and gave them raisin eyes and banana leather bubbles. Raw pumpkin seeds were the rocks at the bottom of the fish bowl. Thinly sliced carrots were cut into seaweeds shapes, and nori was cut into waves for the surface of the water. Cheese was cut into a moon and little dots of cheese for stars. It was pretty fun and easy to put together!

BuggaBoo didn't even notice that they were fish. He kept insisting that they were just pancakes! So I'm a bit bummed by that. He still bugged me a lot this morning, but he only nursed once. I had promised to let him paint this morning so he just couldn't stand to see me in bed anymore.

However, there is something happy about all this. He has been in a much better mood this morning. So I think that qualifies this as a success. Hooray! I'm ready to repeat this experiment tomorrow.

There's just one catch. I can't think of tons of food that I can safely leave out overnight that aren't full or starches and sugars. Any ideas?

Skinned Knees from Falling Off the Wagon

2011-07-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

Do you know what tastes good?

Hot dogs.

If you have a barbeque, what do you need to prepare?

Hot dogs.

If you have family in town on a loverly Sunday what do you have?

A barbeque with hot dogs.

What is not allowed on the GAPS Diet?

Um. Hot dogs. 'Cause they have sugar and other starches in them.

So this weekend was full of half-way fails of the diet. I had (many) hot dogs and a few new potatoes from our garden and way more GAPS legal macaroons than I needed. However, I did not eat any buns or mayonnaise with soy oil or the muffins I made Sunday for my church class. I did eat some of my homemade sauerkraut which hopefully helped.

I certainly felt nasty after the day of gluttony. My belly hurt a lot. So, lesson learned!

I have decided to not hold myself so strictly to the GAPS Intro at this time and start easing into the Full GAPS Diet. There are way more options for food and that makes feeding BuggaBoo easier.

In other news I think I may be sensitive to coconut. I recently went all out and made coconut butter, bought five gallons of coconut oil, and acquired coconut flour for baking. I also made the aforementioned macaroons using dried unsweetened coconut. Coconut oil doesn't seem to cause me any troubles. But any other type of coconut seem to make my throat itch and hurt like I have a cold. I also have difficulty swallowing. I'm really upset by that because coconut is so delicious! I think I'll try some more experiments before I call it quits.

On a happier note I've been able to sneak some meat to BuggaBoo. Having been raised vegan his whole life until very recently BuggaBoo is understandably reluctant to eat meat. He likes bacon and ham and fried chicken skin. Oh, and pork rinds, because I persuaded him to try them on the premise that, "They taste like chicken skin!" He really loves pork rinds. I do too. Oh, and I totally want to try a variation of this recipe for pork rind pancakes. Pork. Rinds.

Right, where was I? Sneaking meat? Okay, I made chicken and pork pancakes. Because BuggaBoo will nearly nearly anything in pancake form. So I combined this recipe for coconut flour pancakes and this recipe for savory chicken pancakes to create a sweet-ish breakfast pancake that just happens to be made mostly of meat. Here's the kinda recipe:

Meh, 1/4-1/3 cup chicken
3-ish eggs
3 Tbsp fat (coconut oil, butter, something solid)
1 1/2" x 1 1/2" section of zucchini, or maybe more. Whatever.
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp honey
coconut flour to thicken

Throw everything in the blender, whiz until smooth. If it's pancake batter consistency then cook it up. If it's not then add the coconut flour a tablespoon at a time until it's thick enough. The coconut flour will make things thick in a hurry so don't add too much.

I fry these up in a cast iron skillet using tallow that I've saved from making bone broth. Tallow rocks for pancakes, I never have them stick. Trust me, the pancakes won't taste funny. And sometimes when I want to I'll put a whole bunch of tallow in the pan and make myself some fritters a la country fair. That's some good stuff.

That's it. I think they would be good with some seasonings like cinnamon or cardamom or cloves. Or all of those. Yum. Also, doing this in a blender beats the eggs enough that it eliminates the need for any baking powder, since baking powder is not GAPS legal. You may notice the lack of milk or other liquid. The zucchini makes up for that nicely since it liquifies in the blender.

Sarting the GAPS Diet--In Which I Still Try to Fix Everything With Food

2011-07-17T08:50:00.001-07:00

Scatter-brained post ahead!

Ever heard of GAPS? The acronym stands for Gut and Psychology Syndrome. Basically it's the understanding that gut health can affect the rest of your body, including stuff that's "just in your head." ADD? Probably gut related. Autism? Probably gut related. Depression? Gut.

The GAPS Diet is a program you can follow to heal your gut, thereby healing food sensitivities, allergies, mental, and behavioral problems. Many things can damage your digestive tract. The most common are antibiotics, hormonal birth control, chlorinated water, artificial flavors and colors, preservatives, lack of probiotic foods, not being breastfed, and eating improperly prepared foods that contain phytic acid and other anti-nutrients. Whew!

How does this apply to our family? I can't speak for The Hubby because I'm not him and therefore I don't want to air everything of his on the internet, but he's had several courses of antibiotics as a child, ate tons of processed foods and artificial sweeteners, and is diabetic. He's also working nights, which takes such a huge toll on his body and health.

For myself I've also have taken many courses of antibiotics. Looking at the list above I've done everything on it except two things: I was breastfed for a year and I've never taken The Pill.

My kidlets have had it better. They're still both breastfed, BuggaBoo had only one dose of antibiotics in his life (his fever broke right after the dose so we knew it wasn't due to the antibiotics and stopped administering them), they're not vaccinated (thereby decreasing the toxic load on their bodies) and we eat some probiotic containing foods. But I haven't been sprouting and soaking my grains, they eat too much sugar and such, and they are both exhibiting symptoms of food sensitivities.

What are our symptoms? Read on, they're in handy list form!

BuggaBoo's Symptoms

-Major reflux as a baby, will still sometimes spit up food or breast milk at 3.5 years old

All this in 5 minutes, plus more

-Ongoing cradle cap
-Lives for sugars, which negatively impact his behavior and cause extreme mood swings
-Has started to hit himself on the head when frustrated (not sure if this is normal toddler behavior or what)
-"Allergy shiners", dark or red circles around the eyes
-Starting to show sensitivity to noise
-Ongoing vomiting issues with no concrete reason (He started throwing up again Sunday morning, while nursing all over me. Delightful.)
-Often complains of "feeling sick" (our code for nauseous)
-Suspected thrush, but no classical symptoms
-Rotting teeth and malformed jaw

Doozer's Symptoms

-Until recently she wheezed
-Eczema behind and in her ears
-Suspected thrush, but, once again, no classical symptoms
-Yeast diaper rashes when younger

My Symptoms

-Ongoing yeast issues, including skin rashes, slow-to-heal lip splits (taking about 6 weeks), coated tongue, and, erm, the usual for the last 4+ years.
-Depression
-Intense cravings for sugar and other refined carbohydrates
-Bloating and stomach pain
-Incomplete bowel movements
-Acid reflux
-Extreme fatigue
-99.9999% sure I have hypothyroidism
-Weak teeth despite fluoride treatments
-Anxiety
-Sinus issues for, oh, I dunno, since I was about 12. So 15 years. Going dairy free didn't help.
-Brain fog. It cleared up for a bit after I first added fish back into our diet, but now it's back.
-Cradle cap, for as long as I can remember. I've even tried medicated shampoos. Nada.

Due to all of this I decided to try the GAPS Diet. On the 16th of this month I started Phase 1 of the Introduction Diet. It is extremely restrictive. At this stage I am eating:

-Meat and bone broths
-Boiled meat
-The "ooky" stuff left over from making broth, like marrow, chicken skins, cartilage, connective tissue, etc. Eating this stuff is a very important part of the diet.
-Well boiled onions, leeks, broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots.
-Winter and summer squash
-Garlic
-Ginger, chamomile, or mint tea with a small amount of honey
-Sea salt
-Sauerkraut juice (to repopulate my intestinal flora)

The children are eating a less restrictive diet because, well, they're a bit picky. In addition to what they'll eat from the above they're also having:

-Eggs, mostly just the raw yolks
-"Ice cream" from frozen bananas, raw egg yolks, and a bit of honey. Sometimes I add frozen cherries or blackberries.
-Whole milk plain yogurt
-Coconut flour pancakes

The first few days were no fun. I think BuggaBoo was vomiting from a die-off reaction. He also took two long naps on Sunday and was very irritable. I was not a happy camper and felt exhausted. I also had pretty bad headaches, lots of sweating, back and face acne, and a nasty mouth. Doozer was sleepy and cranky. On day three we all seemed to be doing a lot better and I had more energy. Today, Day 5, I'm sleepy again and feel the starts of another headache. My face and back are still breaking out badly.

But I see progress. And that's encouraging. I'm excited to see where this goes and such. I have found for me to feel satisfied on this food I have to eat a lot of fat. My most favorite thing to eat is the "ooky" stuff, but I've been that way since I was a kid. And since all my meat is grassfed the fat tastes so good. Yum! The meat itself is not settling too well for me, but that's okay. I'm perfectly happy to drink broth, snack on veggies, and chow down on "ooky" stuff all day long.

And I've noticed I don't have too many cravings for breads and sweets unless I"m looking at them. This does mean that I have to lay off looking at food blogs (boo!), and it's hard because my dear friend just dropped off some sourdough bread for my family (double boo!). And the kiddos don't quite understand why we're not eating that stuff.

Okay, that about does it for today. Hopefully I'll be a bit more coherent about this later. For now please read these thoughtful posts by Cara at Home, Health, and Happiness, and Jenny at The Nourishing Kitchen. These wonderful ladies wrote about GAPS much better than I did. May I blame it on the detoxing?

I Was Featured!

2011-07-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

Huzzah! My post on cherries was featured over on GNOWFGLINS & Co. How exciting is that?! I'm feeling pretty good about it. So head on over to this week's Simple Lives Thursday, there are a lot of interesting blogs to check out. Have fun!

Turning Curses into Blessings

2011-07-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

Summer is in full swing around here, which mean all of those lovely homesteading activities I fondly dreamed about are actually happening. My thoughts are not so fond now.

My internal monologue hit a swearing peak yesterday while my hair kept getting snagged in the twigs of our apple tree during thinning. As soon as I thought, "Man, why do we have SO MANY apples, I wish we had less," I knew I needed to shift my thinking or risk losing my sanity.

I could curse the fact that we had so many apples to thin out, and the future crop that will need preserving will be so large. Ditto the pears.

Or I can feel blessed because I'll have green apples just in time to make pectin for my raspberry jam. And I'm blessed to have new friends to share my apple crop with, making it manageable and blessing others. Also, how grateful I am to have future food assured and plenty of cool garage space to store fresh apples. Ditto the pears.

I could curse the fact that we planted so much garden this year it was hard to get to it all, and now all our greens are going to seed and turning bitter.

Or I can feel blessed for this opportunity to learn how to eat things out of my comfort zone. I'm grateful for fresh eggs from our hens and nitrate-free bacon from the store that makes eating greens more enjoyable. Also it's a joy to discover that some radishes bloom purple and feel excited for the seeds that are forming to preserve our heirlooms for next season. And now it's time to plant our fall crop, which is fabulous because here in the Pacific Northwest the best gardens are in fall.

I can curse the fact that because of all the things that need to be done I don't always have enough attention to devote to my kids.

Or I can feel blessed for this chance for my children to grow, for them to learn that they don't always need their mommy to play. They are finding joy in working with me (if I can look past the apples that Doozer unnecessarily thinned) and discovering that preserving the harvest can be fun and tasty. They are learning about priorities, and that there are other people in the world besides them. What a wonderful lesson!

In Genesis the Lord tells us that the ground was cursed for our sake. Well, I have learned something new today. A curse is just a blessing looked at from the wrong end. I am naturally a lazy person, so getting the initial gumption to start a new project is daunting. But there is so much joy in finishing it! Not just the first glow of success, but every time I grab another jar of blackberry jam or pull a homemade shirt over BuggaBoo's head or gather eggs from our well-built hen house I have continuing happiness and pride.

We are not a privileged family in the familiar sense, but when I look around me I see my world overflowing with blessings.

Giveaway at Real Food Forager--Coupon to Use Towards Fermented Cod Liver Oil

2011-07-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

A while back I talked about how taking cod liver oil helped Doozer to stop wheezing. She's still doing well with her lungs and we're quite happy about that.

Well, over at Real Food Forager they're having a giveaway for a $39 coupon to use towards the purchase of a bottle of emulsified fermented cod liver oil. Woo-hoo! That's something I could use. Fermented cod liver oil is so much better for you than the Nordic Natural stuff we're taking now. It's much more nutrient dense. And if I can get it for less due to winning a coupon, so much the better.

So run over to Real Food Forager and take a look-see. Maybe you'll decide to try for the prize. Best of luck!

A Post About Cherries...In Which I'll Probably Gross You Out

2011-07-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

Mmmmm...

Cherries.

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Besides the watermelon, is there any fruit more quintessentially summer than cherries? I was visiting my family this past week and I was very happy to learn there was a local orchard that was allowing common people to come in and glean their Bing cherries. My little sister and I jumped all over that, and in the course of two days and a total of about six hours we picked close to a hundred pounds of cherries, which we split between us.

These cherries came from a neglected orchard. My theory, and my sister agrees, is the orchard has been bought by developers, but because there are still empty lots surrounding the orchard they aren't going to the trouble of pulling the trees out until the land is needed. Oh well, we'll gladly take those cherries off their hands.

However, since the orchard is neglected we ran into a little problem.

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Mmmmm....?

Cherry maggots.

Ah, yes, the reason cherries are sprayed so heavily. Organic ways do exist to control them, but they're usually not the favored way amongst commercial orchards. And even organic sprays still kill beneficial insects. I estimate that 20-25% of the crop was infected with worms.

So, how to deal with worms? The usual answer is to soak the cherries, forcing the maggots to exit the fruit in an attempt to prevent drowning. The downside to this is your fruit will taste very watery and not very sweet. So, in my case since I don't see the point of eating a watered-down version of cherries, this isn't a viable option. I intend to make some fruit-only jam from part of the crop, and it's essential for the fruit to be as sweet as possible for that to work.

I could sort the cherries. I actually started doing that. It's mind-numbing work, even with the TV in the background. I just couldn't do it. Horrible. You have you check each cherry for a wormhole, it just takes too long in my opinion. Also, since it takes so long many of the non-wormy cherries would have gone bad by the end.

Well, I could cut each cherry open to pit it, and also evict it's resident. This is a slightly better option, but I pitted cherries like this a year or so ago and it's a tedious process. Throw two kids into the mix and it's a recipe for cherry-stained walls, if you catch my drift.

Well.

I could not care about the worms.

Yech.

Hmm, why yech?

Hello, MAGGOT! You know, those writhing, slimy, white things that eat rotting, putrid, dead flesh. But, well, these maggots have been eating sweet cherries. They're made of cherries. Heck, they're even the same texture as cherries.

But, ew, guts. Maggot guts. Seriously? Well, yeah, actually. I eat all sorts of guts. I eat liver, heart, tongue, and would be willing to eat sweetbreads (pancreas or thymus gland), tripe (stomach), and more. I eat clams and oysters whole, and that includes guts. So what makes this so different? And if you eat hot dogs, baloney, and other such food, there's a good chance you're eating organs as well.

But, can I honestly eat a bug? Chances are you already have. Insect parts and rodent hairs are commonly found in food. One estimate is that the average American consumes one to two pounds of insects a year. And I'm sure most of it isn't on purpose.

So, are the cherries even worth it? In situations such as this I like to think of my pioneer ancestors. What would they do if presented with fifty pounds of cherries? I'm sure they would jump all over that. Then they discover that about ten pounds of the cherries contain maggots. I'm thinking they would still eat the cherries, and probably wouldn't fuss too much about eating some worms.

In case you haven't gleaned (pun!) the information yet, I am consciously eating wormy cherries. If you're wondering, they still taste the same.

If you happen to have wormy cherries, here's what you can do with them. My little sister is planning on canning hers. My mom did this when they had a bad maggot year. When you open the jar to eat the cherries you just skim the worms off the top and then serve. No harm no foul.

If you aren't canning cherries this year, like me, then all the other options usually keep the worm inside. I'm not water bath canning because it's not my favorite thing to do. Instead I'm going to convert a large part of my cherries into jam and (shh!) use the inversion method to seal the jars. Throwing them into the blender before jamming should obliterate the worms so I don't have to see them and make a smooth jam. Yum.

Another way of cherry preservation is dehydration. Both of my dehydrators are full of whole pitted cherries. When they're done they'll make great snacks for the kids, and the worm will be invisible due to being dried out too. Bug jerky.

And our last method of saving our cherries is freezing after pitting. These cherries are specifically saved for smoothies. Since they'll be blended there's no chance of running into a whole worm.

But what's the point of saving all these cherries if I can't bring myself to eat them when the time comes? Making sure I can eat wormy cherries is a priority. To accomplish this task I've been eating my fresh cherries. Without checking for worms. I've learned that telling myself "There isn't a worm, there isn't a worm," doesn't work very well. There ARE worms, and it's just a matter of time until I ran into one. Instead I would chant in my head, "You're eating a worm, and that's okay. Just like oysters, just smaller." Ta-da! Mission accomplished, I'm now eating worms. Even The Hubby is on board with this, especially when he saw how much work it took to process the harvest even without worrying for worms.

Have I convinced you to eat wormy cherries? No? Don't worry, I won't be offering my cherry jam to anyone. I'll have plenty of blackberry jam later in the season and I love to share.

Have you decided that eating worms is no big deal? Then come on over and have some pie. Extra protein at no extra cost.

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This post has been shared on Simple Lives Thursday.

Dream Interpretation Needed--Inquire Within

2011-06-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, my dream was much too weird not to commit to the internet. If you feel like trying for an interpretation, have at it!

We start with The Hubby and I wanting to go on a date. He picked Ultimate Frisbee as our activity. I had some prior arrangements I had to cancel so he went ahead of me to meet up with "the guys" while I took care of things. He was going rendezvous with the posse at a bar (why?!?).

After The Hubby left I canceled all my appointments. I then ran into my older sister and asked her to help me put together an outfit. She agreed to that. Also at this time I realized that my older sister was the real author of the "Harry Potter" series and I stared at her in amazement.

Before going off to get dressed I had to call the bar to check up on The Hubby. Apparently the apparatus used for calls was not a telephone, it was a very long, green garden hose. I talked to the bar owner and he told me that the crew had already headed off to the field to play Ultimate Frisbee.

I then got dressed, which is always a huge ordeal in my dreams for some reason. Nothing ever looks right. I finally put on a large frothy skirt and a top and called it good. I was barefoot (I've been doing that a lot in real life).

Then my sister, the kids, and I went on our adventure to find The Hubby. The field ended up being halfway across Portland and we either walked or took buses the whole way. The field was all brown with a chain link fence going partway around it. My dad was there but The Hubby wasn't in sight.

The Hubby soon came limping up, hopping, really. He had hurt his leg badly. My dad was admonishing him for getting hurt and I walked to The Hubby, had him stand behind me, wrap his arms around my neck, and I hauled him off the field. We can do this because The Hubby is an inch taller and 25 lbs lighter than me. I remember the dead grass of the field being very uncomfortable on my feet.

After depositing The Hubby on the sidelines I walked over to the chain link fence. There was a small secluded area on the edge of the field with short trees and longer green grass. I noticed one of our juvenile hens there with two eggs. One egg was full-sized and the other was a "pee-wee" egg of a new layer. I was excited to see our chicks were old enough to lay now, but the chicken started pecking at the eggs so I hurried around the fence to stop the hen.

The Hubby asked me what I was up to and I told him, so he came with me, walking pretty well, and I planned on giving the eggs to him for safe keeping. Very close to the nest was another nest of a wild bird. There were three eggs in it and each egg was about six inches long and 2 inches in diameter, very long and thin. Our hens had pecked them open and they were oozing everywhere.

I was very frustrated with our chickens and went to pick up the intact eggs. All in all there was a normal chicken egg, the pee-wee egg, and a rather large green duck egg. After passing the Eggs to The Hubby I went to look at the broken eggs to see if I could tell what type of bird it was. I started to pick up one of the eggs and it started throbbing. Each egg had a large chick in it, but they weren't quite ready to hatch yet. I cleaned the shells and whites off the chicks and they started breathing, so I decided it was my mission to keep them alive.

I was suddenly at my parents' house with the chicks, and I was trying to find a place to clean them up. They were getting stronger which was encouraging, but I wanted them clean and warm before I fed them. I went into the kitchen where my mom was preparing dinner, my dad was hanging out talking to her. I put two of the chicks on the counter next to the sink, then I turned around with the third chick to find a towel. When I got back to the first two chicks my mother had chopped their heads off and deposited the bodies into the sink. I was very upset with her and shouted, "Why did you do that?!?" She answered, "I thought they were for dinner," but didn't apologize.

And, that is the end of my dream. Any takers for interpretations? I'll give you five cows.*

*Five imaginary cows, very cute.

Succeeding with Traditional Foods...One Menu at a Time

2011-06-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

Edited: I've added this to Simple Lives Thursday, so here's a lovely banner to look at. Also, check out GNOWFGLINS, they're pretty amazing over there.

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As previously stated we're slowly transitioning to a Traditional Foods Diet. Yes, it's capitalized. All diets are in caps nowadays, doncha know. But eating in a traditional way can be very time consuming. It is slow food at its most lethargic. All grains must be soaked, sprouted, or soured before use. All beans must be soaked or sprouted. Dairy should ideally be fermented. Many vegetables should be fermented. Bone broths should be cooked for 48-72 hours.

Who has time for all this? Having been born as a Sidetrack Home Executive I just don't have the memory for anything. As the saying goes, if it weren't screwed on I would lose my head. I forget things nearly instantaneously. So how am I supposed to keep track of everything I need to do to feed my family this way?

Yesterday I sat down and wrote out a two week (plus two days to finish this week) menu. I am not a menu lady. I've always just created dishes from what's in my fridge. The hardest part for me was trying to think of what to eat. So taking a hint from the book "Simplicity Parenting" I assigned each day what would best be described as a theme. My themes were ingredients used. Some people use cuisine as their themes. So here's my week:

Sunday: Typical Sunday meal (meat, potatoes, vegetables, maybe dessert)
Monday: Pasta
Tuesday: Bread/Potatoes
Wednesday: Beans
Thursday: Rice
Friday: Soup
Saturday: Casserole

This made thinking of meals much easier for me. I can look at my theme and think of a recipe that fits that day. It also welcomes a lot of crossover. For example, we love dahl in our home. Dahl could work for my rice day or my bean day. Chicken noodle soup could be soup or pasta. Also, since we still love our vegetarian food these themes can easily accommodate both styles of eating.

I then broke down the recipe and noted what needed to be prepped ahead of time. Working with my dahl recipe I would prefer to soak my rice and sprout my lentils. If I wanted to make flat bread from scratch I would need to plan to use sprouted flour, soak my flour, or use a sourdough starter. If I wanted to use stock to cook my lentils I need to be sure to have that on hand.

I wrote out my menu on a calendar. Okay, it wasn't an actual calendar, it was just a sheet of paper split into thirds and then eighths. I wrote each meal into the appropriate day. Then I figured out what needed advanced prepping and how far in advance to start it. I noted on the correct day when to start preparations. The theory is before I go to bed I can quickly look at my plan and take care of those things that need some TLC.

This also helps with shopping. I'm able to look to my freezer, pantry, and garden and see what I have on hand. Since I'm only doing two weeks at a time I can generally predict what my garden will have ready for me. Also, I relegate a lot of our produce to side dishes, so in case things ripen sooner or later I can just move those around.

So here's my menu. Sorry for the horrible format, if I knew how to put a table in here I would.

Sunday: sliced beef tongue, mashed turnips and potatoes
Prep work: Save half the tongue for later in the week, freeze tongue simmering stock, soak black beans, soak cashews

Monday: mac 'n' cheeze with nutritional yeast/cashew cheeze sauce, steamed broccoli
Prep work: double the sauce, save half, thaw pumpkin, sprout previously soaked black beans, soak lentils

Tuesday: baked potatoes with all the fixin's, including the leftover cheeze sauce
Prep Work: sprout lentils and black beans, soak cornbread batter

Wednesday: black bean chili with roasted poblano peppers, cornbread
Prep Work: soak black beans, sprout lentils, prepare lacto-fermented salsa, soak rice

Thursday: pumpkin dahl served over rice, cumin carrots
Prep Work: sprout black beans, make sourdough bread if feeling ambitious

Friday: tongue stew using leftover stock, bread
Prep Work: continue salsa, thaw beef heart, soak rice, sprout black beans

Saturday: black bean and rice enchiladas served with LF salsa, salad
Prep Work: none!

Sunday: half a heart, stuffed, served with gravy, roasted root veggies
Prep Work: soak pinto beans, soak mung beans, save rest of heart for later

Monday: goulash made with TVP*, corn
Prep Work: sprout pinto and mung beans, soak or sour pizza dough

Tuesday: pizza, Greek-style green beans
Prep Work: sprout mung and pinto beans, soak cornbread batter, start a crock pot of bone stock

Wednesday: baked pinto beans, cornbread
Prep Work: sprout mung beans, soak rice, continue stock, thaw some liver

Thursday: heart stir fry over liver rice, miso soup with nori
Prep Work: stock, soak or sour bread if ambitious

Friday: Split pea soup with bacon, bread
Prep Work: soak rice, make yogurt

Saturday: chicken poppy seed casserole modified to keep yogurt alive, served over rice with salad or another green
Prep Work: None, haven't planned that far in advance yet.

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A few more loose ends and then I'll post this mammoth. I usually don't do side dishes, I am the queen of one-pot meals. I'm trying to rectify this, so if the menu seems skimpy to you, sorry. Also, I'm not planning for lunches or breakfasts. Breakfast is easy, lunch can be leftovers or sandwiches.

I want to incorporate a baking day into all of this so that I'm not attempting to make all my bread right before the meal. I also want to start making my own Traditional Foods approved pasta, this recipe for sourdough noodles should do the trick nicely. Since I love to hoard my eggs for breakfast or smoothies I'll probably use flax meal for my eggs as outlined in this recipe.

Feel free to steal my menu, I hope it helps you out. And if my family is wondering how I'm going to modify The Chicken Poppy Seed Casserole, well, this is what I had in mind. I was thinking of poaching the chicken to keep it moist, then warming the sauce separately, using yogurt instead of sour cream. Combine the sauce with the chicken. Then I was going to add the buttery cracker/poppy seed combo sprinkled on top.

Okay! Time to put this behemoth to rest. Goodnight, Buffalo Gals.

*Disclaimer: I've noticed a lot of new traffic to this post. Welcome! I wanted to explain the presence of TVP on my menu. I know that TVP is basically a frankenfood, but I have quite a bit left over from my vegan days and I hate to waste food. Also, The Hubby rather likes it, so I feel eating it once or twice a month is perfectly fine for our family.

Let's Get Ready to Rumble!

2011-05-07T11:20:00.001-07:00

It was my birfday recently (happy day!) and I received my usual money from family this year. Instead of just sticking it in the bank like I normally do I decided to blow all of it. And then some, the "then some" being part of our tax return.

I bought a dress form. And it looks like it's going to be a good one. Do you wanna see?

Okay, here's a sneak peek.

What, no real picture? Well, she hasn't arrived yet. I'm supposed to get her on the 12th, and let's hope she's not broken or anything because then I'll cry. But look at the shape on her!

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She has a shapely bust! And real hips! And a belly! And a terrific tush! I think she reflects a real person rather well. The only thing I'm a bit sad about is her armhole shape is not what I would like it to be. It's supposed to be more triangular, like the form on the left:

Source. Actually, a great source, I love this website.

See, however, that my dress form has the body shape of the Lefty Lady. Fabulous. I think I'll survive. Or succeed! Because, guys, listen. I'm getting ready to design my pattern line. Remember me talking about that? Yeah, I think it's time to actually work on it, for realz. And buying my Lady is the first step in that.

I had to make a hard choice between this form and the plus-sized form. I bought a size 10. From what I've read I can fit to my size 10 Lady and then grade the pattern up two sizes and down two sizes, so that will cover 6, 8, 10, 12, and 14. However, I really want to buy that plus-size form because I want to provide a large range of sizes. But that can wait a bit. Unless all of you, dear readers, want to chip in and buy me the plus-size form in a size 20. And then a size 4 would be nice, since I'm taking orders.

So, here we go. And I'm really anxious about it, which has been manifesting itself it weird dreams involving Project Runway and Tim Gunn hating me and never making it on time for judging and everything I made looks like bad 90's fashion. This makes me hope that real life is more forgiving than my Dreamworld Project Runway.

Are you all ready for this ride? Good. Because it'll probably be crazy bumpy and we might see some wildlife. Hopefully it will be fun.

Gratitude

2011-05-06T23:22:00.000-07:00

I talked earlier about our evolution away from vegetarianism, but then I started thinking and I didn't want to leave you guys thinking that I totally despise the vegetarian way of life.

To start my ode to vegetarianism I must start back to my wedding. The Hubby and I started our married life together an decided that waiting a year before trying for a baby was the best course of action. So I'm sure you can imagine our dismay when we discovered that, oops! I was pregnant four months after nuptials.

At first we were very mad with God. We were being careful and this is what he saddled with us! The nerve. So we prayed. And prayed. And then we were excited. We were going to have a baby! Our little family was wrapped in happiness.

I lost the baby at just a few weeks. And then we were mad at God again. Why give us a baby, force us to accept it, and then take it? It made no sense! But we agreed that since we were ready to have that baby with joy then we were ready to start earnestly trying for our children.

So we tried. And tried. And lost another sweet child. And still we kept at it. For nearly two years. It was a crazy time. Now I don't feel the anxiety about it, because, hello, I have kids now. But I remember feeling like I was never going to have biological children. We made plans to save money for adoption. We discussed the option of invitro fertilization. And so much spontaneity was sucked out of our marriage because we were trying for just the right time to make everything work. It was exhausting.

Totally unrelated to the babymaking The Hubby and I went on a quick herbal cleanse. We also went nearly vegan to help The Hubby with his cholesterol.

Within two months I was pregnant, and that was BuggaBoo. I really feel that my body was so junked up with stuff that I needed to do the cleanse and then eat a clean diet to prepare myself to carry a baby. My family has a history of hormonal disturbances, the most prominent is my mother has polycystic ovarian syndrome, or PCOS. I have many of the same symptoms. I feel that getting off CAFO meats and diary helped to control the amount of hormones in my body leading to successful ovulation and implantation. Fabulous!

So to the best of my knowledge and feelings, if I had not gone vegetarian I would not have my children.

I have other, less important reasons to be grateful. So let's touch on them rapidly.

I can now bake without eggs or milk or butter. This is great when I want to whip something up and only have pantry supplies.

My cooking experience increased. I can now think beyond meat/potato/vegetable or casseroles. Yum!

I was introduced to a deeper realm of natural living which led to my research on midwifery. This in turn led to my wonderful experiences with the prenatal care and birth of my children.

Vegetarianism is still a large part of my life and I don't think that will ever change. I'm not really the carnivorous type, although I do enjoy some meat binges. And eating plants is very satisfying. I am thankful for the experience I've had with being vegetarian and vegan, I've learned a lot and grew some more.

Well, That's One Way of Putting It...

2011-05-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

(The scene unfolds with BuggaBoo watching me change Doozer's diaper...)

BuggaBoo: Mommy, why are you changer her diaper?

Me: Well, why do you think?

BuggaBoo: Because her is wet?

Me: Yep!

BuggaBoo: Why are you putting on a new diaper?

Me: Well, because I want to catch more pee, and whenever I don't put on a diaper I suffer the consequences.

BuggaBoo: Or the poopequences.

Big Changes Part II...Finally!

2011-04-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

Part I can be found here.

So I have come to the conclusion that I can drastically improve BuggaBoo's tooth and jaw health through diet, and hopefully head off any problems in Doozer. Also I hope to be able to finally cure the weak spots in my teeth that have plagued me since before my marriage. I have tried fluoride and it does not work for me.

So we've started introducing animal foods back into our diet. Last summer we started with eggs, and a few weeks ago we added more variety, starting with fish. Now we eat some beef and we had a bit of pork at Easter and there was this one time I had some fried chicken. We are trying very hard to be conscientious about our choices. We eat sustainable fish such as sardines and pollock. We buy our beef from local pastured steers.

We have decided to make an emphasis on eating the whole animal, especially the parts that other people don't want to. My freezer is full of bones, livers, tongues, and hearts. We feel that it is more respectful to the animal to use all of it; that if it is going to give its life for our benefit we better be sure to make the best use of its body. The positive to eating the parts no one else wants is we get the most nutritionally dense foods available, so we don't need to eat as much.

Are we perfect? No, not by a long shot. But we try. Eating out is the hardest, because most restaurants don't use humanely raised meats. But I wish they did. Heck, I really need to do my part and only buy at the places that meet my standards, but my budget would basically permit Chipotle and they already make a super killer vegetarian burrito.

Right. So, the benefits of this? Well, let me tell you. For months, months, I have been having problems with brain fog, lack of energy and motivation, major problems with speaking and typing, and just all around feeling like my whole life was an out-of-body experience. Seriously, it was so hard for me to speak sometimes; my tongue felt so huge in my mouth it was impossible to form words. Simple, easy words. My fingers didn't want to obey my befuddled brain signals. I made a lot of typing mistakes. And I just felt listless, needing 12+ hours to feel normal, but never getting that with little children in the house.

After starting to eat fish again that all cleared up. It felt wonderful to be able to think, to be quick again. And I do not think it was only the magical omega fatty acids. I was taking an algae based DHA supplement and eating lots of ground flax and I didn't see any improvement.

May I say that I feel that is a major downfall of being veg*n? The whole movement tends to break food down into their nutrients. Are you craving beef? Then it must be the iron or protein or fat or something. It can't be the beef. It can't be something we haven't discovered yet, or heck, even be a synergistic reaction between everything in the beef. To satisfy the criteria of veg*nism all foods must be their components and nothing else.

So, we eat animals. And we feel okay about that. Okay, we adults feel okay about that, BuggaBoo is still having a rough time with it. I don't blame the kid, his whole life we've told him it's sad to eat animals. Then, BAM! It's all okay to eat them. Poor confused child. We're treating him very gently, giving him lots of time.

We're still trying to get into our groove. I have been feeling heavy after meals recently; I'm taking that as a sign to lighten up. The first few weeks I couldn't get enough eggs, meat, fish, or bone broth. Now I'm feeling fuller, which is reassuring to me. I feel I am working to fill my deficiencies, and that just feels right.

There is so much more I want to implement in our new diet besides animals foods. That's just part of it. More fresh and raw veggies would be amazing. I'm learning how to soak and sprout my grains to reduce phytic acid and increase nutrient absorption. I'm experimenting with fermented foods, which taste amazing and help bring my internal flora and fauna into balance. I'm learning more about healthy fats and why animal fat isn't such a scary thing after all, and how vegetable oils can be downright terrifying.

But! All of this is just skimming the surface. And I have done a lot of reading and researching to get here. Too much to go over at 11:00pm. So let me wrap up by saying I'm happy where we are in our life, and I'm excited to see where we go from here. As always, comments are encouraged, opposite viewpoints are respected, but let's be civil.

Almost Human

2011-04-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

After writing this I got seriously sick and eventually called The Hubby home from work and was thisclose to calling an ambulance if it weren't for the fact I didn't know what to do with the kids if I were taken to the hospital. To put it as delicately as possible I was having quite a bit of stomach troubles, so it was hard to me to drink anything OR keep anything inside me. It got to the point where I stopped sweating and I felt as though my sinuses had collapsed on themselves.

I'm pretty sure now it was some sort of food poisoning from a fast food place, since nobody else is even showing signs of being sick. I am most grateful for that. I am also most grateful for distracting movies, such at Babies and The Secret of Kells. And do me a favor and don't watch a trailer for The Secret of Kells, just watch the movie. It's that good.

Anyway, I'm much better now and even feeling up for a very short walk. Thanks for all the concern, I really appreciate the love.

Part II...To Come Soon

2011-04-15T20:40:00.000-07:00

I came down with the plague or something. I'm suspecting H1N1, but my symptoms actually fit malaria better. Whatever. I'm feeling quite better, but I foresee another day or so of laying a-bed. My sister and the Hubby have been indispensable these few days, so this is a public show of gratitude. I love you guys, thanks for all the help!

So I'll be posting Part II as soon as possible.

Big Changes Part I

2011-04-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

So I hinted in my last post that we aren't exactly vegetarian anymore. And if you aren't exactly vegetarian, then you aren't at all, because it's really an all-or-nothing proposition.

I have strong feelings about eating animals. I've been vegetarian for over four years and vegan for about 2.5 of those years. I read and prayed and studied scripture about this, and I came to the conclusion that animals are not for consumption unless needed for health. I believed that due to modern science and food availability veganism was the healthiest and most spiritual way of eating. I felt that eating animals when not needed was sinful.

Well, I still have those same feelings. What is different is now I believe that for me and my kids eating animals will contribute to our health.

This all started with BuugaBoo's teeth. He had some major reflux as a baby, and will still spit up sometimes if he eats or nurses and then runs around. It runs in The Hubby's side of the family. His first teeth erupted at 3.5 months, and he had a mouthful of pearly whites by the time he was one. They were beautiful.

Right after he reached his first birthday his front upper teeth began to decay. This is him around the age of two, notice his upper teeth:

And I don't know why he looks so old in this picture, must be the angle and the lighting. Believe me, this is when he was younger, he has a ton more hair now.

My midwife and pediatrician chalked up his tooth decay to the reflux. A dentist we saw said it was due to night nursing, which I totally disagree with. We became extra diligent about brushing his teeth and the decay stopped. It got to the point that when we took BuggaBoo into a pediatric dentist the dentist didn't even know he had decay, he thought BuggaBoo had malformed teeth. It took a lot of insistence on my part that his teeth came in perfect for him to believe us. His confusion stemmed from the fact that BuggaBoo's side incisors were worse than the middle ones. He said the only way that would happen is if his side incisors came in first. When I informed the dentist that exactly what happened, he then agreed that the decay stemmed from the reflux.

A few months ago BuggaBoo's teeth started decaying again, despite the fact that we were careful to brush his teeth and he's been nightweaned since 20 months old. This is what his teeth looked like on his third birthday:

So I started reading a lot about how to nutritionally heal cavities, because the proposed plan of action was fillings or extractions. And I ran across this thread and thought, "Huh? Tooth spacing? Baby teeth are supposed to have GAPS?!"

Why, yes, yes they are. Like so:

source

The gaps provide ample space for the adult teeth to erupt. Did you know that teeth are supposed to be straight? Straight teeth are normal, braces are here to correct jaw deformities. Wisdom teeth are supposed to stay in the mouth. In order to have enough space for all your adult teeth you need to have wide dental arches.

source

Notice this diagram has all molars present and the teeth are not crowded. Compare this drawing to this mold of a narrow dental arch:

source

Actually, that last example looks a lot like my bottom teeth. Here is a picture of my top teeth:

I always liked my unique teeth, I like the way they look. They are very tight, so flossing is a big problem for me since I often shred the dental floss. Also, if I get kissed too hard or I accidentally bump my mouth my teeth will slightly split my bottom lip, and I often get canker sores from that.

I went in for a braces consultation once and the orthodontist said he wanted to pull 4 of my molars(!) to make room for the other teeth. I asked why they wouldn't pull my wisdom teeth (I still have them, they have not erupted yet) and he never gave me a good enough answer.

Where was I? Diet? Right. So I had always thought that teeth were the result of genetics and that was that. So I was surprised to run across internet mommas who had fixed their children's teeth issues with nutrition. And the way they were healing their teeth was by eating animals products.

The nutritional regime that seems to work the best is lots of raw milk and milk products, lots of animals fats, lots of organ meats, lots of bone broths, lots of cod liver oil, lots of fermented foods, lot of raw eggs.

So, in the next part I'll talk about how this jives with our family.

Part II here.

I'm Crossing My Fingers!

2011-03-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

I really shouldn't be posting this all over the internetz, I know I'm jinxing myself, but I just couldn't stop myself!

For the last four days I've been dosing my family with cod liver oil. We're using Nordic Naturals Arctic-D Cod Liver Oil, which I've since learned isn't the best you can buy. A better pick would be a high-vitamin cod liver oil, or even better better, a fermented cod liver oil.

Anyways, so we've been taking this stuff. It's not too bad, it's been stripped of all it's fishy flavor, so to me it's like swallowing a teaspoon of oil. Which I am, but it's not a pleasant sensation. BuggaBoo and Doozer take half a teaspoon and love it. BuggaBoo says it tastes like lemonade and Doozer cries when I put the bottle back in the fridge.

ANYWAYS, to the important part. Today the Hubby and I were running around town with the kids, having fun (since he turned 30 today, Happy Birthday!), when I noticed that something very familiar wasn't with us.

Doozer wasn't wheezing.

She hasn't wheezed all day.

So, yes, I may be jinxing the whole thing, I may need to knock on wood. But I hope this stays. She needs this to work.

It would be so wonderful. I'm so very excited.

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I am not being paid to endorse any of these products. I am not a doctor, so you will need to consult an actual doctor to get official health advice. You may also notice that cod liver oil is not vegetarian, but that is for another day.

WHEW

2011-03-27T20:30:00.001-07:00

We are in the new house. We've been here 12 days.

We are not settled yet.

It took us a week to find the box with the silverware. Or better put, the stainless steelware.

Hell is untangling and enormous pile of plastic hangers.

Just saying.

Conversations Over Doughnuts

2011-03-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

The scene opens with the family making a dinner of doughnuts. I have no shame...

Me: Do you want some of this apple fritter, BuggaBoo?

BuggaBoo: No, I'm eating this one (motions to his old-fashioned doughnut)

Me: Oh, do you like that one?

BuggaBoo: Yeah! It tasteses like....mustaches.

Neverending Fun!

2011-03-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

Doozer is now sick. At least I was able to grab a nap today with the kiddos. *sigh*

We Interrupt this Packing...

2011-03-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

With an interlude of illness. BuggaBoo started burning a fever last night, and he's still warm this morning with aches and pains. I'm pretty sure it's the flu, since everyone around us besides myself and Doozer have had it.

When asked what he wanted to do today, he replied, "I want to nurse on Mommy in bed." How can I deny such a sweet request? So I'm going to do my best to ignore all the packing that still needs to be done, and count my blessings that The Hubby has neither work nor school today. Wish me luck!

Update! Quickly Now...

2011-03-10T08:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, so we're moving to a new place on the 15th. Crazy, I know! We've been super busy with packing our life into boxes, which in turn has led us to the realization that we have way too much crap. So we've been trying to purge, which makes me feel exalted and apprehensive at the same time.

And since nearly every single one of those sentences requires a post of their own, this is where I'm bowing out. Wish us luck!

My Sis-in-Law's Wedding Video

2011-02-12T17:13:00.000-08:00

This was just too cute not to share. Actually, the real reason for my posting this is because watching The Hubby dancing at the end of this just makes my heart melt. He's the one on the right.

It's going to have to be a link, so here's the video.

*melt*

A Matter Close to My Heart...Literally

2011-02-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

Attention:
This post is about breastfeeding, so I will be discussing things such as my breasts and nipples. If you would rather live your life without this information then discontinue reading.

Also, all health information is my own opinion and not meant to diagnose or treat any disease or ailment. Always consult with your doctor about any treatment program. Thank you.

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Three weeks ago Doozer bit me on the nipple, drawing a bit of blood. I don't blame her too much, she is still teething in earnest which makes chomping a natural reaction to having something in her mouth. Even if that something is a super sensitive part of me.

BuggaBoo did the same thing about this time in his life years ago, but his was a bit more malicious. He was wet, I was in a conversation and not really paying attention to his fussing, so I just stuck a boob in his mouth. Well, he figured out how to get my attention, and quickly! He bit me much more deeply than Doozer did, but it healed in about three days.

Not so this time around. Oh no, this time a little cut decided to become a large cut which became an ulcer. At it's worst this ulcer had a diameter of 3/8" and was at least 1/16" deep. Everyone I showed it to winced and groaned and one of the apprentice midwives that was at Doozer's birth even dropped the F-bomb. That last one cracks me up because she is such a mild-mannered lady. I visited with my friend a few days ago, a woman very knowledgeable in the way of breasts and babies. Her opinion is I have a very bad case of thrush which is impeding the healing.

Two weeks ago I showed it to my sister's midwife while I was visiting family in Washington. She prescribed comfrey, as a poultice and a salve. To use dried comfrey as a poultice you steep about a tablespoon of comfrey in boiling water until it softens, then apply to the wound and wrap tightly. In this instance I placed it in a breast pad. To make the salve I used coconut oil and dried comfrey. In a double boiler put water in the bottom and coconut oil in the top. Set the water to a simmer and melt the coconut oil. When it's thoroughly melted add a goodly amount of comfrey. Keeping the water at a simmer steep the herb in the oil for two to three hours, until the oil is a bright and beautiful green. Strain and put the oil in a container. Apply liberally, it is safe for breastfeeding babies.

So I was applying the salve and poultice but the continual nursing was not helping at all. So I decided to quit nursing on that side and just pump with a Medela hand pump. I also cut down BuggaBoo's nursing sessions to three times a day and kept them very short.

The result is yesterday I was nearly dried up. More dramatically there is at least a cup size difference between my two breasts, the smaller being the one I wasn't nursing on. While visiting with my apprentice midwife (she's not my apprentice, but, well, you get it) she explained that when the body receives less suckling under very stressful circumstances (moving, visiting family, The Hubby sick with the flu, major diet changes, BuggaBoo vomiting again) your milk supply can suddenly and rapidly dry up. The theory is it's for survival reasons, but I can tell you it's very frightening to feel you may not be able to nurse your little baby anymore.

So two midwives and a doula recommended starting an herbal regime to boost milk supply. According to them tinctures of fenugreek and blessed thistle are the best, followed by capsules, followed by teas. I found a capsule of lactation support I feel comfortable with. I'm taking three capsules three times a day, to equal nine capsules each day. I took my first dose last night and felt fuller this morning, so I'm feeling very hopeful.

The next bit of advice was to take a nursing holiday. I'm to do nothing but lay in bed (or on the couch, since The Hubby is using the bed to sleep for work tonight) and nurse the babies as often as they want it.

So, please, wish me luck. My nipple still isn't fully healed, my house is a disaster, and I think I caught The Hubby's flu. Lazing around isn't going to be as easy as it sounds.

Please, Train, Please Slow Down

2011-02-10T12:50:00.000-08:00

Did I say I was going to do a give-a-way in my last post. Bwa-ha! I'm just hanging on for the ride right now.

We're moving in a few weeks. Guys, this new place is divine. It's just down the street from where we live now, but it's an actual house. The lot is a third on an acre and there are an apple tree, plum tree, pear tree, and grapes in the backyard, which is totally fenced. The landlords and encouraging us to garden as much as we want to and are letting us keep chickens. With my research I'm finding we can keep six hens, so I'm so super excited to be eating pastured eggs again.

In other news, I've had some preliminary muscle testing on the kids to identify food allergens. Doozer came up positive to wheat and milk, and they cause her respiratory issues. BuggaBoo came up positive to milk, peanuts, sugar, and xylitol, and they give him behavioral issues.

So I've been trying to avoid those things for the kids' food as well as my own. See, since I'm still breastfeeding both chilluns I need to stay away from their allergens or they'll just be getting them through me. I haven't been 100% with the wheat, but I've been perfect for milk, xylitol, and peanuts and pretty okay with sugar.

Oh, boy, the sugar. The first few days I took BuggaBoo off the sweet stuff he was having major withdrawal symptoms. The only sugar he was getting was a tiny bit in some of Dave's Killer Bread and some in organic tomato sauce we were using to replace his ketchup. The poor boy would ignore whatever needed dipping and was DRINKING the tomato sauce from the little cup it was in. He then would ask for more, which I would decline. Many tantrums during this time.

BUT! Yesterday BuggaBoo was playing some computer games. After I while I decided it was time for him to get off, and braced for the expected screaming-meemie meltdown. Instead he said, "Okay!", hopped off, and played with real toys. I tell you, not having the constant screaming is worth this detoxing headache I have right now.

I'm feeling very positive about all the changes going on in our lives right now. I'll keep you updated on my cleanse, which at this point is just cutting out sugar, peanuts, and all gluten. I want to avoid gluten until I can get Doozer more thoroughly tested. It would be lovely to have my little girl go longer than a week without wheezing and hacking.

Have a wonderful day!

Forever Blissful

2011-01-22T23:38:00.000-08:00

It's my wedding anniversary! Six years and still madly in love with each other.

Hey, The Hubby, can I tell you how incredibly blessed I am to have you as my eternal companion? You've shown me how much I can love myself by how much you love me. You've shown me how to be good and kind and patient and gentle. Never give up on me, baby, because the best is yet to come.

I love you!

Oh, and stay tuned. This is officially my 100th blog post, and I'm planning a give-a-way, so stay tuned for the next post!

Not a Baby Anymore

2011-01-06T19:23:00.000-08:00

BuggaBoo, you are getting to be such a big boy!

You turned three this last December, and you have my deepest apologies for that cake. My excuse is life was super crazy and you at least got to pick the boxed mix and the can of frosting. Why was I not surprised when you picked sprinkles?

It seems not that long ago I was in the tub, excited to meet my first little one. We didn't even know you were a boy!

Yours was a leisurely pregnancy, going three weeks late, which ended in a leisurely labor, three days warming up and then a 12 hours "sprint" to the end. You were born four minutes before midnight, the day before my Grandpa's birthday.

You were 8 pounds, 9 ounces, 21.5 inches long. Your head was 14.25 inches, and perfectly round (ouch!) You gave my Mom a scare by not breathing for the first two minutes, but you perked right up. You nursed like a champ after we settled into bed, although looking at the pictures I can tell I had a lot to learn about breastfeeding.

Your birth was perfect and amazing and taught me not to be afraid. Your birth made me a mommy. I really can't believe you're three already. Thank you for being my baby. Thank you for being my son.

I look forward to many more years and many more moments with you. I love you.

-Your Mommy

But He Was Still Hungry: A Tutorial of Sorts

2011-01-05T20:15:00.001-08:00

Obligatory Resolution Post

2011-01-03T16:31:00.000-08:00

Plus, happy 'blogoversary' to me! I totally spaced it and was reminded by Caroline today over at Church Sexy.

So, join me as I recap the year and fuss over my resolutions. It will probably be fun.

Have a productive garden

We started off with a bang, but then there was too much rain at the beginning which made a large portion of our garden bolt due to drowning. That was a bummer. We didn't use nearly as much produce as we wanted to. But we learned a few tips from last year, such as storing our Jerusalem artichokes in the ground and started our peas in January, which results in a longer crop. One thing that I did NOT learn was to pick my tomatoes before the fall rains begin, no matter how green they may be. I had a lot of mush this year. Oh well, there's always next season, right?

Start a Montessori program with my son

Yeah, not so much. But I'm finding out I don't really need to do this if I don't want to. Meaning, BuggaBoo's knowledge is growing and leaps and bounds just by living and interacting with us, the parents. I find it easier to follow his curiosity in the moment, and I hardly have time to sit down to do crafty stuff. So learning is happening, just not the Montessori way.

Stop caring so much what other people think

I think I deserve a gold medal for this. I've been working very hard on my personal growth and I've done very well. I'm learning to be more honest with my feelings, wants, needs, and expectations instead of getting mad all the time. I used to not share those things with people because I thought it would make them think poorly of me. I've also become a more patient mother because I think of how my children need to be parented, not how other people "need" me to parent my children.

Be out of debt by the end of the year

We were so close. We have $1,500 to pay off and then we'll be done. We paid $6,500 off in one year. Not bad! One of our major money setbacks was a surprise wedding. Not surprise in the way you're thinking, stop that. My sister-in-law met an amazing man earlier this year and they were married in December. Thing was, it was my family's turn for Christmas, so we weren't expecting on going down to California this year. We opted for renting a car, but the whole vacation took a big chunk of change.

The other money setback was The Hubby some C's this year in his courses. That's not bad at all, but his work won't reimburse school expenses unless he has B's or better. But I'm happy he passed his classes, no complaints from me.

We expect to have our debt paid off by April of this year.

Eat healthier

The last half of this year was in the toilets as far as healthy eating is concerned. Too much fast food, much too much. I let my kefir grains die. So, I'm cleaning up my act. The Hubby and I made a pact of no more fast food, but if we realllllly have to eat out (HAVE TO) we'll choose Taco Bell. Why Taco Bell? Well, they have filling cheap vegan food (Fresco Bean Burrito for $0.99), but they're pretty gross after a while so it'll hopefully cut down on our eating out.

On to happier things, Doozer can now drink out of a straw, so I'm going to start making green smoothies again and get her acclimated to them. And BuggaBoo has hit his Picky Threes, but we're learning that if we make eating a little more fun then mealtimes are more enjoyable for everyone. Today I told BuggaBoo that eating certain food would make him uncontrollably make sound effects. Sweet potatoes would make you honk, kale was "beep beep", onions were "auoooogah", noodles were "squeak!", and garlic was making raspberries with his tongue. Lotsa fun.

Sew more

I didn't do too bad with this one. I was able to finish my matron-of-honor dress...the day of the wedding. Still good! I finished Patternmaking for Fashion Design I and I'm starting PFD II on the 12th. Very fun!

Keep a blog

Well, it was kept. Not as often as I would like, and I still have so many pictures to share with you guys, but altogether a success.

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So, how was your year in 2010? Any new resolutions? Any insights? I hope the year was great for you, it was (mostly) wonderful for me.

Onward!

Six

2011-01-03T09:27:00.000-08:00

Seis. VI. The number after five. What does this have to do with my life? At this point, nearly everything.

Six is the number of teeth Doozer is trying to cut all at once. Three molars, two canines, and an incisor. Never mind that she already has seven of those little buggers, she decided that she needs six more stat. And they are causing her a world of hurt, let me tell you.

Our usual go to, Hyland's teething tablets, have been voluntarily recalled by the company due to FDA pressure. Our next faithful companion, calcarea phosphorica, is not working well enough on it's own. So I am borrowing an amber teething necklace from my good friend and that seems to be taking a lot of the pain away.

If it gets much worse I'm gonna break down and buy some baby Tylenol, but I really don't want to. But I'm pretty happy right now, because between the amber, the calcerea phosphorica, and munching on frozen blueberries (THAT'S going to be a fun diaper tomorrow) the pain seem to be dulled enough to save Doozer's and my sanity. I know it seems a bit wacky, how does a rock help teething pain? Well, I didn't know either, so I looked it up and ran across some great info on it. Basically when the amber lays on the skin it releases an oil that boosts healing in the body. How cool is that?

But the necklace does make her look like an Amazon baby.

The Cost of Pride

2010-12-28T15:04:00.000-08:00

It's general knowledge to those that know me best that my father was not a nice man while raising us. You can read a bit about it here and here.

In the first post I said:

I'm going to pause in my story to make sure to everyone reading this that my dad is NOT like this anymore. He has learned to control his temper and let his funny, sweet, amazing side out. I really enjoy being around him now and feel comfortable when my children are alone with him. He has grown so much.

Well, it's not exactly like this. I have come the believe that it has been easier for my dad to control his temper because we grew up and are adults. See, my dad cannot STAND crying, whining, or tantrums. So he basically cannot handle children. He feels that all children should be able to stop those annoying tendencies on command. He feels that crying and tantrums are counter-productive and therefore should never take place, ever. Well, maybe at a funeral you can cry.

Okay, maybe I'm being a bit unfair, but I'm rather upset right now. He is more in control of himself than he has been, but he loses that control around little children. He loses his self-control because he has to be in control.

My dad has been increasingly meaner to BuggaBoo over time. He never takes situations into account, such as missed naps or hunger. He claims to understand why pressing circumstances can make it more difficult for a child to control himself, but my dad doesn't care about that, they should still comply. He also seems to take a perverse pleasure with maliciously hurting BuggaBoo's emotions during discipline. My father feels like he doesn't need to explain his actions to children, they should just comply, and comply quickly.

I should know all of this, this is how I was raised. I just wish that he was different now.

I am different than my dad, and The Hubby is certainly different than my dad or I wouldn't have married him. We listen to our children. We allow shows of emotion, especially sadness and anger. We do not spank, as we do not see a difference between hitting a person on their bottom or hitting them anywhere else on their body. We do not use fear to manipulate the behavior of our children. We explain, when possible, our reasons for doing things. We see our children as people deserving respect, no matter their age.

At the same time we do expect certain behavior from our children, and we try to respect societal rules while still respecting our children. If they are throwing a tantrum in public we will try for a few minutes to calm them down before removing them. We teach them patience and politeness. They know they can not always get their way. They know that tantrums don't get them what they want. Well, BuggaBoo knows all of this, Doozer is a bit young. But BuggaBoo can trust us to take his feelings and needs into account when a decision is being made. He know that we can't always comply with his needs, but for the most part we can come to a solution that does.

We do not agree with my father's discipline tactics. He uses shame and fear. He tells BuggaBoo not to cry and gets mad when BuggaBoo doesn't stop right away. He sets up artificial situations to create a discipline problem, such as offering BuggaBoo dairy ice cream when he knows we don't eat it, and then saying, "Too bad, you can't have it. Now stop crying." He threatens to spank BuggaBoo, even after we have asked him not to, and I cannot be completely sure that he hasn't spanked him when they have been alone together.

I have tried to bring these issues up in the moment, but my dad hasn't changed his behavior. He sets his jaw and says, "Well, this is how I do things."

Right after my last visit to my family The Hubby and I decided that we needed to sit down with my father during a calm time and bring this up with him. We were able to gather up enough courage to carry this out the day after Christmas. The Hubby led the talk to show that we are a united front (earlier conversations seemed to be daughter versus father) and we set down our rules:

My dad is allowed to make the rules in his home but we as the parents need to define the punishment.
My dad needs to understand that we parent differently, and needs to respect us.
My dad needs to realize that children are people just learning self-control and respect them and that learning process.
My dad needs to let us parent when we are there, and not go over our heads to discipline our children like he often does.
My dad needs to be nicer overall.

We made it clear that if he could not do these things he would not see his grandchildren. Without reliving the entire conversation this is what we believe about my father's feelings:

He feels children should comply at the drop of a hat to any command given by any adult, especially when they are being "annoying".
He feels that we are too soft as parents, and "can't understand how someone could grow up on a farm and parent the way [we] do."
He feels that children can get into a dangerous situation at anytime, so they must be trained in such a way that every encounter is a danger. Meaning, since a child can run into a road and they need to stop when we say, every time we say stop they need to stop, regardless of the actual danger involved.
He feels his home, his rules, and if our ways of parenting do not result in instant compliance, then his punishments.
He does not believe in compromise.

Also during the conversation I needed to beg him to stop throwing hay to the sheep and listen to me, and he nearly refused to stop feeding the animals to listen. He would have slapped one of us as a child for that kind of behavior. When he finally did stop to listen, as soon as he felt he heard enough he started feeding the sheep again. I told him I was not going to let him hurt my kids the way he hurt me. When we were done saying our piece he reiterated "his house, his rules" and said, "Well, if that's how you feel about it, that's that." And I said, "I guess so." Then I started bawling, we stood there a while with The Hubby holding me, then walked back to my parents' house.

We stayed a bit longer to longer to gather up stuff and let BuggaBoo play with his cousin. Dad came in, didn't say a word to me or The Hubby or anybody else. He only said three things while we were there, once to get on my niece's case for crying, once to point out how my niece was not playing with the toy BuggaBoo took from her, and once to refer to my son as a "dead carcass".

Today my dad showed up on my doorstep. I expected him since my sister told me he was going to be in Portland for his post-sinus surgery appointment, but he didn't call me. He always calls before dropping in. I almost didn't let him in, but I thought if he was here to apologize I better give him the chance.

He wasn't. He said we didn't give him a chance to speak his side, then proceeded to tell me how I was in the wrong, that basically he feels as though we cannot control our kids, and if I come to his house I need to follow his rules. There was a lot said, but I was able to keep my cool.

So, as of right now, because my father loves his pride so much, he is not seeing my children. I love him, but I love my babies more. I will accept him back into my life when he can follow the guidelines we've set.

I hope it's soon. I want my children to know my father. He could be an amazing grandpa if he let himself.

Puppet Master

2010-11-24T10:31:00.001-08:00

I'm still officially on my blogging break, but this was too cute not to commit to the blog.

Recently, as in about four days ago, BuggaBoo has fallen in love. Deeply, irrevocable in love (at least, until he's grown out of this stage).

He loves puppets. Specifically, Duck Puppet and Striped Sock Puppet.

Actually, he thinks of puppets as strange beings that are their own entities but have to be controlled by parents. They are his new best friends. He will tell the puppets anything.

He will do anything the puppets tell him to do.

Is he throwing a tantrum because his parents told he couldn't have candy AND chocolate pudding? Is that tantrum lasting longer than 45 minutes? Have the parents explained over and over again that he had a choice between the two and he chose candy and CANNOT HAVE PUDDING!? Well, Duck Puppet can tell him, and BuggaBoo will accept it. Just like that, all done, no more tantrum.

D0 we, the parents, want BuggaBoo to pee in the toilet even if he is wearing a diaper to catch accidents? Too bad, he won't. But if Duck Puppet asks him to, he's all over it.

BuggaBoo doesn't want to brush his teeth for bed? Sock Puppet can accomplish the feat with minimal protesting.

So we, the parents, are actually enjoying the Reign of the Puppets. At least we get to speak for the puppets.

Mwahahahahaha!

Blogging Break

2010-11-20T19:39:00.000-08:00

Just as a heads up I will be taking a short break from blogging, a few weeks at most. I have a lot going on with my life including a final project for my pattern drafting class, designing and drafting AND constructing a matron-of-honor dress for my sister-in-law's wedding, a sick husband, and assorted other time-suckers.

Don't worry, when I come back I'll have a lot of stuff to share, including a tutorial of sorts. So don't write me off, and have a Happy Thanksgiving.

A Quick One

2010-11-14T22:30:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I haven't given you guys a real post in a long while, but life is, erm, complicated at the moment. Not complicated like, oh, I don't know, space aliens, but complicated like my brain is full and my mind wants to explode out my ears.

So, um, did I tell you guys I want to start a pattern line? I know I've told some of you, since about half the people who read this are family or close friends, but let's pretend we're all internet strangers. Yeah, I want to start my own pattern line of breastfeeding clothes. Which sounds simple enough, especially because I have some great ideas. But then I make things more complicated because "Oh, I should totally do some breastfeeding PLUS maternity wear, because I coulda used some of that during Doozer's pregnancy," and, "I absolutely have to add plus-sized patterns to my line because I have so many gorgeous luscious girls in my circle and they deserve hott clothes, too," and "Hey, I need to make a sloper that will work for the average postpartum body!" and then I have a minor anxiety attack. And that's not including all the business stuff I need to do.

So, simplify, right? As of now I'm attempting to make my trains of thought link up into one express line and travel in the same direction. I'm trying to focus on my pattern drafting class, especially because there isn't much of the semester left and the pattern I need to develop for my final is supposed to be the dress I want to wear for my sister-in-law's wedding that's in four weeks since I'm a matron-of-honor and HOLY CRAP WHAT AM I DOING ON THE INTERNET??!!!??!11??

Signing off.

Sigh

2010-11-11T11:26:00.000-08:00

You know it's been one of those weeks when you wake up thinking it's Saturday, but it's really just Thursday...

Bummer

2010-11-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

I made bread today. Even went the extra mile and added tons of wheat germ to healthify it.

What I forgot to add was salt.

Have you ever had no-salt bread?

I like I said, bummer.

Fabric Pumpkins for Autumn!

2010-11-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

!!!!!

Yes, this post needs exclamation points. Why, I'm not sure, maybe I need more excitement in my life.

A few days ago I mentioned I had made some crafty pumpkins. Over at Small Fry & Co. there is this super adorable and easy tutorial for making pumpkins out of sweaters. My sister Jillyn sent it to me and I immediately fell in love with the simple shabby chicness of it. Which is funny, because my decor style is more Asian zen than country cottage. (Tangent, do you think I could ever get the two styles to live harmoniously? Because I really love them both...)

Once I decided to make them I took inventory of my sweater stash to see if I could recreate this. And I hated the combination of sweaters I was willing to cut. Then I remembered I have tons of knit scraps from my friend who makes some amazing nursing covers. So that's what I used.

I sewed tubes of fabric in varying sizes, then ran gathering stitches around the tops and bottoms. After that I cinched the bottoms closed and sewed them shut on my machine. In my opinion, the less hand sewing the better!

After the bottoms were secure I poured in some gravel for weight and then stuffed with Polyfil. I found to get a good rounded pumpkin you stuff it, then stick your hand in the middle of the stuffing and make a hole. Then wad some more Polyfil to medium density and put it into the hole you made.

Gather the tops of the pumpkins and knot the tails. Hand sew the tops shut, I used a ladder stitch. Then grab some yarn and stitch the top and bottom together as described in the Small Fry tutorial. This is how they looked after all of that:

Oooo, dreamy lighting. Because I wasn't working with sweaters I was missing the prominent ribbing that make the pumpkin stripes. Since BuggaBoo has been on a paint-everything kick I decided to paint these babies with watered down gold acrylic paint. I was a selfish mommy and let him help paint only one because he wasn't painting how I wanted him to. Because the paint was so watery the pumpkins were still moist even after drying all night. So they took a quick trip in the dryer with some towels. I'm surprised they survived the journey.

Then we added the stems and leaves and got this:

Can you tell which one BuggaBoo painted? And can I say that I love living in an area where finding lichen- and moss-covered sticks is as easy as walking into your front yard? Here are some detail shots:

So, I plan on leaving these up until it's time to break out the Christmas decorations. Especially after all that work.

What Shall I Sew?

2010-11-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

We are so fortunate to have many friends that have given us hand-me-downs for the kiddos. We have boxes of kid clothes from newborn to ~3T for boys and girls. This is even after donating what we could not use.

However, we've discovered that Doozer's wardrobe, though not lacking in quantity, is lacking in diversity. The size she is now is basically all summer weight, and a very hot summer at that.

So the other night while BuggaBoo was painting I decided to do a little craft project of my own and stamp some deep brown knit:

Innit key-ute? Sorry for the horrible picture, is IS supposed to be pink diamonds with white "stitching". I forgot to take a picture in natural light, so this is with the flash, yuck.

The design was super easy to stamp. I have some lame dollar store sponges that are foam instead of cellulose (ugh). Since I prefer the cellulose sponges for my dishes, so I decided to use the foam ones for craft use. I cut a diamond shape and stamped out the pink diamonds. After they were dry I came back and "stitched" in the white. I mixed my pink acrylic paint with fabric medium, but I didn't want to go to the trouble with my white. I've noticed that, for my needs, fabric medium isn't necessary. It may fade after a few washing but then the design will just have that coveted vintage feeling.

I was sure to stamp this far enough from the bottom of the fabric I can use it for anything. I am going to have the argyle going across her chest. Any article of clothing I make will be winter appropriate with long sleeves. So, what shall I sew with it? Below is a poll, please use liberally. And if you want to comment, do so! I love hearing from my minions, I mean, readers.

What Type of Clothing Does Doozer Need?

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T13:36:00.001-07:00

From Tigger, Piglet, and Krista-pher Robin

This Message Brought to You by BuggaBoo

2010-10-31T11:52:00.000-07:00

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My Kind of Math

2010-10-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

One seitan stew from scratch

plus

Two parties visited

plus

Three costumes whipped up

plus

Four dozen popcorn balls

plus

Five crafty pumpkins

equals

A very tiring day!

Things I Swore I'd Never Do

2010-10-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

The kiddos are watching a color-changing nightlight, so let's see if I can hammer this out before they get bored with it.

Okay, those-without-children, are there parenting practices you've promised yourself you'd never do? And, those-with-children, did you HAVE things you'd promised yourself you would never do, but you do them?

Here's my list:

Counting

When I saw parents do The Count I always snorted, mostly internally, and I swore I'd never count to my kids.

Well, we count. BUT! We don't do this count: "Okay, Johnny, you come here right now. I'm going to count! One, two... No, okay, I'm serious, come here! If you don't come here by three you're going to be in trouble. One, two, two-and-a-half... Johnny! Come here now!" Ugh.

But, like I said previously, we do count. BuggaBoo has a hard time transitioning. Seriously, what toddler doesn't. So we count to give him a concrete time to be done. Baths, nursing, playing with friends, it works for a lot of scenarios. It's become a useful tool for us.

Not Spank

I used to be all about the spanking. I was spanked, I'm fine, it's how you control kids. Well, we've changed about this, too.

Our personal philosophy is we try to teach our kids to not hit other people, even when angry, even if the other person did something wrong. We teach them to use conversation skills instead, and if that fails then get a grownup to mediate.

So, in our opinion, if we were to spank it would send the message to our children, "You don't hit, but if you're bigger, or in control, or angry, or didn't like what the other person did, or if you tell them you're going to hit them, that's okay."

Also, me coming from an abusive background I've noticed that allowing myself the opportunity to use physical punishment for discipline can be a slippery slope to adult temper tantrums. So for myself it doesn't work.

Co-Sleeping and Cry-It-Out

I was adamant our babies would sleep by themselves, all the way until halfway through my pregnancy with BuggaBoo. Then I read "Our Babies, Ourselves" by Meredith F. Small. Talk about a complete paradigm shift for me. In this anthropologically based book Small talks about the need babies have for primitive parenting. So, we changed our minds about that.

We also realized that excessive crying, especially cry-it-out, was not how babies were programmed to work. So we (try) to comfort every cry. As our children get older we do realize the differences between cries, such as pain, hunger, frustration, anger, etc. With our older children we respond differently to different cries, but when they're young each cry is attended to.

Extended Breastfeeding

I always knew I would breastfeed my babies to a year, but no longer than that! It was weird, unnerving, sexually wrong, and just plain spoiling them. Then I read "Our Babies, Ourselves" and decided that extended breastfeeding would be okay, but only until about age two.

BuggaBoo will be three soon and he's still going strong. He certainly nurses as often as Doozer. And I'm okay with that. The Hubby and I have decided that he can nurse as long as he wants to. I understand that extended breastfeeding, or EB, is not for everyone. But it totally works for our family.

---------------------------

So, sweet readers, what beliefs do you hold dear? Those with babies, did you change your mind at all? How has it impacted your life? Oh, and if you do things differently than us, that's totally fine. Every family is different and I have a firm faith that parents do what's best for their children and themselves. So polite debate is fine, but try to keep any comments out of the realm of rude.

Oh, and if you guys are wondering if the kidlets were entertained the whole time, think again. We've had a scuffle, a crying jag, and a little boy standing IN the toilet whilst trying to write this. But that's okay!

Success!

2010-10-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

I inherited some cast iron from various sources the last few years. My favorites are the frying pans and skillets that used to be my Grandpa's.

Anyway, they were all rusty when I got them. Well, I've been working on them this year and I'm glad to report that the pan I use the most has finally been seasoned to a non-stick surface.

I am so happy.

Bumpy Road Ahead

2010-10-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

So my brain is feeling a little fried. I'm still having emotional upheaval in my life, but it's becoming more complicated. I'm realizing many things about myself and my family dynamics and I've come to the conclusion that I need to work through my childhood before progressing positively with my life. And, ugh, how cliche is that?

After The Hubby and I got married we took nightly walks down by the river while I ranted, yelled, and cried about my childhood. When The Hubby joined my family they dynamics had settled down quite a bit, so I was opening that filthy chasm into my past so he could understand me. Together I healed enough to have a pretty amazing marriage. I thought that chapter of my life was closed, that I was "over it."

Kids enter stage right. Now I know that my past hurts have not been resolved, that things still aren't optimal between The Hubby and I, and that I am so child-like from my wounds I am not fully able to parent my children. If it had just been us two adults I think everything would have been okay except for the occasional meltdown. Well, that's not exactly true. I've been reading a lot (which is what I do when confronted with a problem) and I now know that though I love The Hubby like a spouse and lover, I was/am expecting him to fill me with the parental love I didn't get. And to quote my older sister, "Who really wants their husband to love them like a parent? I mean, when you're actually being logical?" I don't.

In case you're interested, here's my reading list, plus my thoughts on the books.

Bad Childhood---Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood, by Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Okay, I know not everyone loves Dr. Laura (I hate some of her advice), but this book was pretty amazing for me. It was hard to read, it was hard to put down. I remember reading it a few years ago and thinking, "Eh, I'm over all this so this isn't for me." Now I want to read it again and take notes. I had some pretty big revelations through reading this book, but I think they deserve a post of their own.

The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining, Tantrums, and Tears, by Elizabeth Pantley

This little treasure helped to reaffirm my parenting ideals while giving me practical tools to carry out said ideals. It also gave me the confidence to realize that my son is not a brat, no matter how much certain family members may think so. Basically this book reiterates for me that my goal in parenting is not to have a perfectly behaving child, it's to help form a fully functioning, independent adult. An adult who can make their own decisions in life, not just what I tell them to do. It also has a section on what to do about parental anger. Hint: anger happens, it's how you deal with it, and everyone makes mistakes.

Giving the Love That Heals, By Harville Hendrix, Ph.D, and Helen Hunt, Ph.D

We're getting books that's I've started, haven't finished, but like what I read so far. This one contains informaiton on how giving approprate love to your children can help heal your childhood wounds. I want to read the companion book, "Getting the Love You Want".

Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, by Karyl McBride, Ph.D

This is a good book so far, I think it would help my mom out more in dealing with the relationship with her mom. I'm only halfway through, so I can't give a complete review on it, but I'll finish reading it, so it can't be horrible.

------------------------

So there we go, that's what's on my bookshelf. Have any of you read any good book on dealing with your childhood? Care to share?

Dairy-Free "Sausage" Gravy for Biscuits

2010-10-10T15:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, Jillyn, this one's for you.

I'm been making dairy-free gravy since I went vegan, but I've never felt confident sharing it with too many people. I mean, The Hubby and I thought it was amazing, and the kids don't count because they've never had dairy, but what about other people? You know, those that still eat dairy.

So I tried this out on my little sister since her new li'l one can't tolerate dairy in the breastmilk. And Jillyn loved it. Since I usually just eyeball this I actually sat down and figured out measurements so I could share with with you. You're welcome.

I'm going to talk first about making the sausage flavored TVP, then how to make the sunflower seed cream, and then how to make the gravy.

Serves four-ish.

"Sausage" TVP

1/3 cup boiling water
1 tsp fennel seed
1/2 tsp rubbed sage
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp paprika
a few shakes of cumin
a few shakes of red pepper
1/2 cup TVP

I like to grind my fennel seed, but you don't have to. Also, I like to add my fennel to the water before boiling it to soften the seeds, but once again, optional. Mix all of the above. The TVP will not be fully reconstituted, it will finish reconstituting in the gravy.

Sunflower Seed Gravy Cream

1/2 cup sunflower seed kernels (no shells)
2 cups water
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup nutritional yeast

If you need to grind your seeds in a coffee grinder first, do so. I take the lazy route and blend the seeds with about 3/4 cup water in my blender until it's smooth. Then I add the rest of the ingredients. Blend until smooth and creamy.

Roux

3 Tbsp oil
3 Tbsp flour

Put the oil in a pan, add the reconstituted TVP. Fry for a little bit. Add the flour, stir until combined with oil. Slowly whisk in the sunflower seed cream, creating a white sauce. Cook until as thick as you like it. I like my gravy pretty thick. If you want a thinner gravy use less flour and oil. If you want it thicker, like a brick, use more. After you're done cooking add:

1 tsp liquid smoke

Taste for salt and other seasonings, then serve over biscuits.

Whew! I hope that wasn't too confusing, it's actually pretty fast to throw together. You can make this gluten free by using cornstarch to thicken the gravy instead of the roux. I really like using sunflower seeds for my gravies and cheeze sauces, the flavor seems just right after cooking, since it's a bit sharp. Yum.

A Sunday Update on Life

2010-10-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

So, where to begin?

We recently started EC'ing with Doozer again. We promptly stopped after starting because life became hectic. However, she is now big enough to use a toilet seat insert and she loves it. As evidenced by this picture of her loving it:

And how about another one? This time, cute, chubby, nakey baby:

She still wets diapers at night but always pees and poos in the morning. She is, ah, demanding to use the potty about 60% of the time. It's been a lot easier using the seat insert rather than holding her over the sink.

A while ago The Hubby purchased a wagon and the kids love playing with it.

You may notice our kids are starkers a lot. Well, a lot of that is due to having to change or potty Doozer often, and BuggaBoo has been potty training all summer. He has a nearly perfect track record if he's naked from the waist down. This has apparently caused distress among some of the neighbors, since BuggaBoo will play in the front yard while in an undressed state. We live in a somewhat cul-de-sac produced by the apartment parking lot, so it's not like he's running around town like this. And last time I checked he was, uh, two. I don't know maybe I'm missing something. Dear Readers, what is your opinion on this? At what age does public nudity become a cultural sin? I'm feeling around 3.5 to 4 years old throw some clothes on the kid for normal play, and I'm okay with a 5 year old being naked for water play. What do you think?

Anyways, back to the cute happenings of my family.

Oh, this happened several weeks ago. Broke my heart.

I mean, how pathetic. I assure you I swiftly swept her into bed.

Buggaboo was so proud yesterday for reaching this screen in his game he made me take a picture of it.

Twice.

And, I think that's it. So enjoy your Sunday, I hope it's a great one.

Cabbage Leaves Stuffed with Hazelnuts and Sprouted Lentils

2010-10-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

This last Saturday we bought a gorgeous cabbage from the farmer's market. I was seriously excited about it because it still had its outer leaves on it. They don't sell cabbages like that at WinCo. I decided to make some cabbage rolls in the crockpot since we had a busy day running errands and later attending my pattern drafting class I'm taking Monday nights.

I was influenced by Jennifer McCaan's recipe but altered it to use ingredients I had on hand. So here we go!

Stuffing:

1 cup raw hazelnuts, chopped
1 cup sprouted lentils, chopped
3/4 cup oat bran
1/4 cup bread crumbs
1/4 cup flour
1/2 tsp marjoram
1/4 tsp thyme
1/2 tsp onion powder
2 Tbsp soy sauce
water to moisten
cabbage leaves for stuffing (Go to Jennifer's recipe to read how to prepare the leaves.)
tomato sauce (I used leftover spaghetti sauce from a can. High class, I know.)

Mix everything but the cabbage leaves and tomato sauce together. Add just enough water to create a mixture that will stick together when pressed. Create stuffing logs that will fit comfortably into your cabbage leaves, leaving about an inch on each side of the leaf to tuck in, like a burrito.

Spray your crockpot with oil and put one or two tablespoons of tomato sauce on the bottom. Put in your cabbage packages seam side down.

So pretty!

Spoon you tomato sauce over your cabbage rolls. Cook on low for 4-5 hours, until filling is cooked through. Enjoy eating these, because they're mighty scrumptious.

What I would do differently next time is add cooked rice, which I didn't do this time because I didn't want to go to the trouble to prepare the rice. Also, I think some sauteed garlic and onions and other veggies would be quite at home in this. I wish I had Dijon mustard to add, because dang that would have been good. I think throwing some sauerkraut in the pot around the rolls would be divine. Basically I don't think you could do these a wrong way.

Rolling is easy but a little time consuming, especially with trying to get the leaves off the cabbage head in one piece and blanching them. To save on time I might try shredding my cabbage and mix it with half the tomato sauce. Then I would put down a layer of cabbage, a layer of filling, and then another layer of cabbage. Top it with more tomato sauce, cook it, and serve it like a casserole.

And that it for this. Have a great night, I'm going to go snuggle in bed with the family.

Off-The-Cuff Broccoli Soup

2010-10-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

So for breakfast I decided to make some pureed broccoli soup to use up some questionable produce in my fridge. What, don't you have soup for breakfast? Also, I wanted to put some veggies in my kid since yesterday was firmly in the all-he-ate-was-french-fries category. *hangs head in shame*

I had part of a broccoli crown, a broccoli stem, and some collards that needed eating, so I whipped this up and was surprised. This was so good! I want to eat it all but must restrain myself so that The Hubby can has his share. I really have to do this because it was so good I sneaked him a bite while he was sleeping off his night shift. Lesson learned, if I want more soup I can't share.

Look at that gorgeous green!

I didn't measure, but I hope that won't deter you. Also in the list of hopeful-non-deterrents is the sprouted lentils. I had them on hand because they're useful. Soak them for about eight hours, drain, then put them in a container with a lid to keep them moist, rinsing at least once a day. This is my second day sprouting this batch.

Recipe!

Water, not too much
Salt
Broccoli equitable to one crown, chopped
Four collard leaves turning yellow, ends discarded and chopped. I keep my stems, why waste good food?
One medium potato chopped, for smoothness
A good handful of sprouted lentils
Another good handful of raw sunflower seeds
Nutritional yeast

Simmer everything except for the nutritional yeast because heat will destroy the B vitamins in the yeast. When things are tender but not falling apart puree the soup in batches. Keep the center portion out of your blender lid and use a towel to cover it. Watch out for steam! After the soup is smooth taste for salt adjustment then add nutritional yeast to taste. Ladle up, adding more nutritional yeast as a garnish if wanted.

BuggaBoo likes it, Doozer loves it, and I'm hoping to make it again soon. Yum! This is obviously vegan but also gluten free, so all ya'll of my friends that have a hard time finding good quick gluten free recipes, try this out. Tell me how you like it.

BuggaBoo was excited to eat his soup with a straw. He also requested nutritional yeast, Diaya cheese, AND a spoon.

Because everything tastes better with more stuff. This is the first time we've ever owned Diaya cheese, it was purchased for a date and we're so stingy with any processed vegan faux food that we still have some left, even after making a pizza with the leftovers. BuggaBoo is, of course, in love with. It's okay, it's stringy like real cheese but not worth the cost, in my opinion.

So go look in your fridge at those languishing veggies and cook up an imaginative soup. Come on, I dare ya. You can even eat it with a straw if you want to.

Why I Blog: The Second Introduction

2010-10-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

First, a retraction: In my last post I brought up the fact that when I visit my family I have the tendency to slip into old behaviors that I don't like. While that is true I shouldn't have left out that being with my family is also a positive experience, not all negative. I love being with my family and there is so much good that goes on. There is a lot of growth I see in everyone, there are new and old babies to love, a huge farm to run around on, and family that loves me. I just happened to be focusing on the not-so-pleasant at the time.

On another note I hear an imagined chorus whilst typing such posts. What is this chorus saying? "Okay, Krista, get with the happy-making. Enough with this doom and gloom stuff, this isn't why I came here, I visit this blog to read cutesy updates of the kiddos. Or tutorials. Or there better be at least pictures." If you're coming here for that kind of stuff you'll need to glean it. I actually started the blog to document my life and the changes I'm making. The Hubby and kids happen to feature prominently in that life, so they will make steady appearances. But the bulk will be personal revelations and doings, often in a navel gazing manner.

See, I approach my blogging as an open journal. Maybe I should be keeping a private journal, but something about reaching an audience is so tantalizing that it keeps me writing whereas a traditional journal would not. Having this audience also makes me aware of my writing process. I need to be absolutely clear about my meaning so others can understand me. By being so clear for someone else I help to sort my thoughts for myself. Many times I've come to epiphanies through explaining my thoughts.

These personal thoughts of mine help me, but I hope that they help others. This is the second reason why I blog, and do so with boldness. One motive for keeping a journal is to help others in their journey. Well, with the danger of sounding prideful, I would like to help others now. And many of my friends, both in the blogging world and in real life, have expressed gratitude for sharing my struggles and triumphs.

I may not speak kindly or positively about those in my life. When I first set up this blog I wrestled with the decision to share it with my intimate friends and family for fear of hurting their feelings. I especially worried about my mother and father reading since so much of my growing has to do with overcoming childhood pain. In the end I decided to include everyone. I know that even though I will try to be tactful others' feelings may become hurt. However, I believe that most times hurt is necessary for growth, for both parties involved. I believe that true understanding can help. I do not claim to always take the higher moral ground, as I will have times of passive-aggressive moments where I will bring up personal hurts here instead of with the responsible party. I'm trying to do better. Sometimes the issue has already been brought up but I'm still sorting it out in my life. So I will journal it.

I hope that all of you reading up on me will appreciate my postings. I feel honored that so many want to know what goes on in my life, the good and bad. I am grateful for the outpouring of support shown to me and the sharing of personal stories. I'm excited to get to know you all better, whether you've been in my life this short while or with me my entire life.

So buckle up, this ride is gonna be ca-razy.

2010-09-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm in a dark mood so this will be a dark, if ironically an enlightening, post.

I spent the last week at my family's place. I went to help my li'l sister out with her new baby because her hubby was leaving to Denver for some job training.

Visiting my family is hard. I love them so much and when I'm living in my own world I enhance the good things I miss. When I'm with my family then I'm also confronted with all the hard, and I regress to what I've been trying to leave behind in myself.

This time was especially hard because I hadn't balanced myself from the three-week stay in July when I went up for my brother's graduation. Because of reverting back to my former self I've been raging against my little family and myself, but BuggaBoo is getting the brunt of it for the sin of being a willful toddler. He has taken to tracking my moods, asking me dozens of times a day if I'm happy, and if I answer otherwise he starts crying.

So today The Hubby took the children out for a long walk and I tackled the kitchen, listening to music cranked way up (sorry, neighbors). Today must be "ballads about horrible relationships" day on Pandora, and that got me thinking about my parents and their marriage and how we were affected. Two songs in particular really hit me hard, "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem and Rihanna, and "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga. And, please trust me, they may be rap and pop songs and the Lady Gaga song may be mostly frippery, but they at least started the thoughts rolling around in my head.

My parents don't have a very good marriage. It's the elephant in the room we're not supposed to point out. So while doing the dishes I was ruminating on how my siblings and I have a hard time in our marriages and sometimes with our kids. We want to have different experiences in our family but we don't know how because the omnipresent example was how our parents interacted with each other an us. We know what we want to be but we don't know how to get there.

And then I realized that my parents' relationship has nothing to do with us. Let me say that again, with caps: IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH US KIDS. My parents' marriage was about them, their individual relationships with us had to do with us. If we had never been born or had been different people it would have been the same between them. We never had the power to control their emotions, actions, or reactions. No matter how good or bad we were they CHOSE to have the marriage they have.

I am not laying blame at the feet of my father and mother. Just in the way that I can not control their actions they cannot control mine. And also, just in the way that I do not know how to act because of their example they do not know how because they never had a good example, either. My father never learned how to show any emotions except for happiness or anger. Even the anger he could not show as a child, but learned that the fear of anger can make a child comply, that the strong (his father) use that technique, and so that how he handles us. My mother did not learn how to react to a frontal attack because her parents did not act that way, her mother uses guilt to mold her children. And so my mother will use guilt with us. And this is how they treat each other.

So, what do I do? I am breaking the spirit of my son because I don't have myself under control. I feel the rage creeping up wanting to take over, wanting me to hurt my child. I abuse him emotionally but stopping short of physically doing so, but just barely. What is it about this small, beautiful child that makes me so angry? That makes me want to harm him?

Honestly, there is nothing about HIM that MAKES me do anything. Just as I do not have control over my parents he does not have control over me. I am trying to excuse myself by saying it is his fault. It isn't. It isn't my parents' fault. It is mine. As my brother said this last week I am an adult now, what happened as a child is done.

So, I am writing this out for me, to be able to look back and remember that I said this: I am owning my problem. This is about me, I need to find a way to fix it. I don't know how yet, but I know why and when. Why, because I love my babies and The Hubby and I don't want to hurt them. And the when is now. This starts now.

So, Mom, I know you're reading this. Stop feeling guilty. No, you're not perfect. Neither is Dad. But Dad and you didn't do this to me. I am doing this to myself, but no longer.

Twilight: The Nursing Years

2010-09-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

So it's official, I live with two vampires of the milky variety. Between the two of my chilluns I've been sucked dry, mostly of my emotional sanity. Don't worry about my milk supply, I honestly think I could support triplets.

Doozer is teething/growth-spurting/mastering the new skill of pulling herself up. This leads to nursing and holding marathons. She usually sleeps long stretches at night, but because of the aforementioned reasons she is staying latched on nearly the whole night with a 1-2 hour break in the early morning.

BuggaBoo is driving me crazy with the nursing. I'm torn about this, because when I dig down deeply I know that I love our nursing relationship, but his lack of patience is wearing me thin, thin, thin. He had been eating a lot of solids a few days ago, horking down as much food as we, the parents, do, but now he is back to mostly nursing. I'm afraid to cut him off, however, because his vomiting episodes usually follow a nursing marathon.

To show you how stressed I am, here this is: Although I am a strong believer in child-led weaning I have thought about weaning BuggaBoo completely. But it's not time, his nursing need hasn't been fulfilled yet. Nursing is the most important thing to him, he'll will choose it over almost anything. He will choose it over cookies, ice cream, and frosting, which are his favorite desserts.

As more evidence I'm going to relate our night-weaning experience. When I was 3 months pregnant with Doozer BuggaBoo was about 20 months old. He was still nursing every hour or two at night and staying latched for 15-45 minutes at a time. I was exhausted from growing a new baby and decided to night-wean the boy. Our agreement was he could nurse to sleep and nurse in the morning (loosely, after 6am) but that was it. Well, it was a month of screaming and crying and holding my breasts and touching a mole on my chest (he always touches it while we nurse) and going crazy. But after the month he was night-weaned and would ask to nurse at night about once a week, which I declined.

So by the time Doozer was born he had been night-weaned for six months. He still sleeps with us on a twin bed next to our queen. Well, it started when she was born and still continues to this day: BuggaBoo hears Doozer nursing and asks to nurse. He cries when I say no. Still. It's not every night, but it's often enough to be annoying.

So, to sum up the whole story, even if I were to wean BuggaBoo right now it would be absolute hell for the both of us because I'm still nursing Doozer and he would feel (rightfully) hurt every time he saw her nurse.

So we plug along. I don't do much in the way of housework. I'm feeling pressure from some about that because doncha know that a clean house is the good mark of a mother? I feel all touched out by the end of the day, and being touched by anyone else *coughTheHubbycough* gives me the skeevies. Oh, heck, even the kids touching me gives me the all-overs. I usually can't take a bath without one or the other in there with me, nursing away and splashing water all over the book I happen to be reading at the time (I try not to take library books in with me).

But the worst part of it all is I often feel like I've cheated BuggaBoo, that we had Doozer too soon for his needs. If it was just him then we could nurse whenever, without having to share or wait or scream. Nursing wouldn't be a battle of the wills, it would be me and my baby. Sometimes I feel Doozer could have waited.

Which then makes me feel guilty, because I LOVE this little girl, and I'm so happy she's here so then I think if BuggaBoo wasn't around so much then I could just have a relationship with her, and she's being shafted because BuggaBoo can't leave me alone.

We mothers are great about bringing on the guilt trips.

Because You NEEDED to Know

2010-09-16T19:51:00.000-07:00

Okay guys, I love sushi. I can eat a lot of it. A. Lot. Several rolls. But I would like to let ya'll know that homemade brown rice cucumber-avocado rolls are soooooo much more filling than their white rice counterparts that you find in restaurants. So if you want to go for the whole grains and use brown rice you can totally try my recipe out, which was inspired by Susan at Fat Free Vegan and Jennifer at Vegan Lunchbox/Shmooed Food.

1 cup short grain brown rice
2 Tbsp amaranth (it makes the rice "gluier")
3 cup + 3 Tbsp water

Throw it all into a rice cooker, let the appliance do it's thing. Use your favorite sushi rice flavorings (the above links have good ideas). Roll some sushi. No, I don't have pictures.

Pass the Chalk

2010-09-10T21:55:00.000-07:00

BuggaBoo has become quite the artist. He is loving his chalk, both outdoors and in.Because of the best daddy in the world BuggaBoo has a huge chalkboard in our kitchen, created with some blackboard paint. Very cool stuff, we'll need to take pictures sometime.

Anyway, back to the budding artist. All of this kinda started with his obsession of adding eyes to everything. Here's his first gallery. Surface, asphalt; medium, washable chalk.

"Circles and Triangle and Cute Little Toes"

"Fish"

"Three Fish"

"Whale"

"Ring Around the Chalk Pile"

"Concentric Circles with Foot for Scale"

The artist himself, age 2.5 years

The hand that created it all

The little sister, who burbles,

and laughs,

and who can't

quite

sit still.

And the Mom.

And a sighting of Bigfoot.

Right?

More Witty Remarks From the Boy

2010-09-08T22:59:00.001-07:00

(We enter the scene with BuggaBoo, Doozer, and Mommy watching Daddy play "Heroes of Might and Magic 5", a fantasy game...)

BuggaBoo: (seeing some minotaurs) What are those?

Daddy: They're half bulls, half people, they're called minotaurs.

BuggaBoo: Are they like cows?

Mommy: Yes, they're like cows.

BuggaBoo: I'm talking to Daddy.

Daddy: Yes, they're like cows.

BuggaBoo. Oh. (to Mommy) They're like cows, Mommy.

Mommy: Oh, really...

Very Quick Update

2010-09-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

We went to the pediatrician today for Doozer's 6 month appointment, everything is doing well. But I just wanted to let ya'll know that BuggaBoo's ultrasound came back clear, so as far as we know right now there isn't a "structural" reason for the vomiting.

There is a college of naturopathy in Portland, you're able to see three student naturopaths for $20 (or so we've heard). They're overseen by their teachers, so it's a good way to get quality naturopath care for not a lot of money. I think we'll take BuggaBoo there next to rule out food sensitivities.

So, there you go. That was a quick update, wasn't it?

Momma's Marine

2010-09-05T15:19:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this picture today and found it beautiful. Look at that mother's face, she adores her son. She is so proud. I hope all mommas can look at their children this way, no matter their age.

Now, go love your babies.

Pop Quiz: Bike Etiquette

2010-09-04T22:31:00.000-07:00

Our car is fixed now, but it was broken down for a while. This was really no biggie, we often walk where we want and we also live near a MAX stop But we decided to take this time and get our bikes in running order. We've started biking more, but I'll save all that jibber-jabber for another post. This time I want to quiz those motor vehicle drivers. Yes, you, this test is for you. It's multiple choice, so it should be easy. All questions are asked from the driver's point of view.

1) You're coming up on a four-way stop and so is a bike. You'll stop first. What do you do?

a) Encourage the bike to go first, because that's polite.
b) Remember that a bike is a vehicle, too and the bike rider is probably waiting for you to go because it's your turn and they don't want to have to put their foot down.
c) What bike?

2) There's a bike in "your" lane. The rider is trying to stay to the right as much as possible, but there is oncoming traffic making it hard to pass. You

a) Don't slow down and just whiz on by, that stupid bike shouldn't be on the road anyways.
b) Slow down and wait for oncoming traffic to let up before passing. Also realize that the bike rider knows you're there and will try to accommodate you as soon as possible.
c) What bike?

3) You see a bike hauling a trailer. You

a) Assume the trailer is empty, they all are, and don't act any differently.
b) Assume the trailer has children in it and understand the parent might be nervous and so you act accordingly.
c) What bike trailer?

4) You see the bike with the trailer. You decide to rev your engine at it while going by because

a) It's funny! And it'll teach that rider a lesson for taking up *your* road.
b) You want to terrorize little children and cause them to scream and cry until their mother can stop and calm them down.
c) What bike?

5) You see a bike rider and they have their arm held out at a ninety-degree angle, hand up. This means

a) Even though their hand is stationary they're waving at you. How nice! Wave back or talk to them out your window.
b) They want to turn right. Remember, you had to know hand signals to pass your driver's test.
c) What bike?

6) You're pulling out of a parking slot from the side of the road. You are near a farmer's market, a place generally known to attract pedestrians and bike riders. You

a) Pull out without looking. Everyone should get out of your way, even other cars.
b) Look! Know that during this time of the week and day there will be increased traffic of smaller vehicles.
c) What bike? I didn't even see them when they pulled back in front of me after having to swerve around me.

7) You see a female rider wearing biking shorts. You should

a) Give her the up-and-down. That's why she's dressed that way, for attention.
b) Realize that she's wearing that get-up to reduce chafing.
c) What rider? I missed it?

All correct answers are "b". If you answered "a" at all you need to pick up a bike law manual from your local DMV. If you answered "c" I might yell at you while riding.

I know it will cause my mother to worry, but all of the previous situations have happened to me in the last two weeks. And I live in one of the most bike-friendly areas of America. Sad times.

Preserving: A Way of Life

2010-09-04T20:04:00.000-07:00

Today I bought two boxes, about 22 lbs, of peach seconds for $16.00 at the farmer's market. I have been trying to snag some all season but they're always sold out or I walked there without a wagon. This time I brought my bike and trailer. Still, it was two trips, one to buy the buggers and another to leave the kiddos with The Hubby and pick up those peaches.

Tonight those bruised and somewhat *cough* moldy beauties are being transformed into peach butter using my favorite method, overnight crockpot cooking. I would have taken pictures but:

1) I was trying to do this with a toddler and baby in tow and
2) I'm pretty un-squeamish when it comes to how many bruises I leave in my fruit, but maybe someone would take offense to it. All the moldy parts were cut out, scout's honor.

Speaking of having babies and trying to preserve food I often think, "How did the pioneers do this? And preserve enough to eat all winter?" The answer, they didn't. They all starved to death and we are descendants of an invading alien tribe.

Actually, all joking aside, I think they enlisted more help from their little ones than we modern parents do. I'm sure at 2.5 years old BuggaBoo would have some pretty important jobs on a frontier farm, including taking care of his little sister. But I wonder if they really had a childhood? I'm not saying our way is better or worse, just different. We have the luxury of allowing our children to be children.

Anyway, back to actually making the stuff. I first cut out pits and bad spots. Then I just cut them into smaller chunks and throw them in my blender, skins and all. Then I put them in my crockpots with spices and cook them on low all night with the lids propped so the puree can reduce to a butter. For more detailed instructions click on the link above.

I chose to make butter this time around rather than jam because I didn't want to be boiling substances around Doozer (she was on the counter in her Bumbo and she has quite the reach), so I'll process the butter tomorrow when The Hubby can help me out. Also butter doesn't take pectin, so it's that much cheaper to make. Also also I don't like to use a lot of sugar because of The Hubby's diabetes and with butter you can get away with not using a lot of sugar. I do have some no-sugar-needed pectin (thanks Mommy!) but tonight I just wanted something tried and true.

So if you want, sometime this winter come on over and I'll cook up some amazing fluffy pancakes and dollop some peach butter on top. If you can handle the fact that it was made with bruised fruit.

It's the Small Things

2010-09-03T09:14:00.001-07:00

Okay, enough gloom, here's a quick rundown of little events that have made me happy.

Yesterday, I dumpster dived food.

Okay, it wasn't in the dumpster, it was in a pile behind my favorite grocery store. But it was technically expired and free. I scored three boxes of organic spinach, four boxes of organic spring mix salad, a bag of organic arugula, two bags of organic salad mix, two containers of organic herbs, several containers of pre-cut watermelon, and three perfectly good mushrooms.

I whipped up some coconut butter, and it wasn't hard!

Using this recipe from Coconut Mama I made some sweet coconut butter, which is like peanut butter. She uses 2 cups dried coconut in her food processor, I used 3-ish cups in my blender to be sure I had enough butter to clear the blades and still move around.

Seeing Doozer love food so much.

It's a little heart-paining for me because I wanted to exclusively breastfeed for a year, but Doozer has been demanding solid food since she was 4.5 months old, I finally gave in at 5 months. She loves bananas, homemade hummus, curried chickpeas, and berries.

She does not like spinach or rice. She'll try to eat everything, even contraband items like peanut butter and wheat and soy. Heck, plates of food on the ground are her strongest motivation to crawl. It's truly a joy to see her discover food.

Making and eating some truly amazing gluten-free flat bread.

And it was quick! And chewy! And bendy! A total of 20 minutes to mix and bake and then BAM! Some really yummy bread. I found the recipe over at Gluten Free Gobsmacked, but replaced the sorghum flour with teff flour and made my own millet flour and replaced the potato starch with cornstarch. I also didn't use milk powder or replace it with anything. Oh, and I only did salt as a seasoning, but I'll be sure to try out other spices. I'm craving some good caraway bread, so that might be next. BuggaBoo loved it and kept asking for more bread. When I put it away he was so sad because he thought it was all gone.

Well, that's all I could think of right now. And reading over the list does make me feel happier, maybe I should do this more often. DO you guys have anything small pleasures to report?

Sick Little Boy

2010-09-02T17:56:00.000-07:00

This post will lack literary sparkle, my apologies.

BuggaBoo has been sick. He started vomiting the 25th and didn't stop until the 30th. This is the fourth time he's had a vomiting episode in four months, the last one was the first week in August. Each episode is characterized by the fact that he can't keep anything down, not even breastmilk or Pedialyte.

Friday night we had to take him into the ER for a bag of fluids and some IV Zofran. He weighed 26 pounds with clothes and shoes on, which he usually weighs 27.5 pounds naked. They also pulled a vial of blood because BuggaBoo had petechiae on his chest and neck, which can be a sign of platelet problems. Thankfully they were a result of his forceful vomiting. While we were at the hospital Doozer started throwing up, she stopped the 31st. But this is the first time Doozer has been sick with a stomach thing.

So we took BuggaBoo to his pediatrician Monday to see what we could find. His weight was up to 28 lbs clothed. The doctor found it to be an interesting coincidence that the vomiting episodes started after BuggaBoo swallowed the bobby pin. Also, the blood work from the ER noted that his bilirubin levels were slightly elevated but his liver enzymes were normal. So now we begin to test for things.

BuggaBoo had an x-ray on Monday which was clear. He fasted and went in for an ultrasound on Tuesday. They looked at his stomach, intestines, liver, gallbladder, pancreas, spleen, kidneys, and bladder. We'll get results in a few days.

So right now we don't know what's up. Hopefully it's just monumental bad luck. All I know is I hate it when my baby looks like this:

For Your Viewing Pleasure

2010-08-30T19:39:00.001-07:00

BuggaBoo chose to watch this video tonight. I think it's a winner.

Montage in Red

2010-08-28T21:29:00.001-07:00

All pictures taken at my parents' home.

Be aware there might be more color montages. This was probably inspired by the lovely Darling Petunia.

Lady in Red Shoes

2010-08-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

So a while ago I felt I needed a pick-me-up for my feet. But, who wants to spend money? Not me! So this is what I found in my closet:

I bought these wedges a while back from Target for five bucks and I love them. Obviously, though, they've seen better days, probably because I love them too much. The first thing I did was take some E6000 glue and secure the peeling edges. Then I sanded the wedge part to get ready for painting. After sanding I wiped the wedges down with nail polish remover to get all the grit off. It made the surface sticky, which made it better for the paint to stick. I love it when things work out like that.

I picked out the perfect candy-apple red acrylic paint from my extensive paint stash and slapped on 4-5 coats of paint. Then I sealed it with 3 coats of glossy Modge-Podge. Voila! New-lookin' shoes.

Lemmie tell ya, I *strut* when I wear these babies. And what could be better than red?

Lonely

2010-08-22T12:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of substantial posts around here, my life imploded. Here's the laundry list, 'cause I want to get it all out with as least typing as possible:

1) Our car died, something with the front differential and the axle. A good friend of ours that owns a used car dealership is helping is fix it for extremely cheap but getting parts has been troublesome. We would like to buy all used since we drive a 1992 Toyota Camry and it's not worth it to put in new parts but one of the parts we need is NEVER sold used because you need new gaskets to rebuild it and the manufacturer doesn't supply gasket kits. Awesome.

2) Our cats brought home fleas. My entire house is flea infested now, and all four of us humans are getting bitten constantly. I don't want to use chemical means to get rid of them because Doozer is constantly on the carpet or trying to eat the cat. We've been brushing out Pistachio (the kitty that comes home, I haven't seen Bella in days [it's the summer, she goes feral {how many parenthesis can I put in here}]) a few times a day and drowning the fleas in soap water. We've also been trying to vacuum several times a days but that brings me to point number...

3) My house is a disaster. Why? Let's look at points four and five...

4) BuggaBoo is growing or something and is in need of major Mommy time. And...

5) So is Doozer. She's learning to crawl (almost there!) and teething and getting sick again and starting separation anxiety. So either my arms are full of baby or she's crying on the floor or we're sleeping together in bed. She's also only napping for about five minute stretches (oh, how I wish I was making that up) so she's also really sleep deprived.

6) The Hubby is still having to work mandatory overtime. So that on top of already having to work nights isn't fun.

7) I deleted my Facebook account. Which has been a pretty positive move, but has an unintended side affect.

I'm lonely.

And it's more than just the deletion of my account that is causing my loneliness. I mean, I hardly have a present or conscious spouse around. My car is dead, which makes getting places difficult. Going on walks is always possible but it's so hard to get out of the house. I don't like making phone calls because BuggaBoo can be playing by himself so nicely but as soon as I pick up the receiver *WHAM!* he attacks me, starved for attention. If I don't get off the phone quickly he then spirals downward into malicious behaviors to force my attention.

And I have a few friends from the past that I'm pretty sure aren't friends with me anymore but don't have the courtesy to tell me so, which is a major bummer. I have made new friends, so that's good and wonderful, but it's not a straight conversion process. Seriously, one new friendship doesn't make up for one dissolved one.

I'm trying to figure out where things fell apart, and I'm feeling anxious about it. I think it's my fault because it's after I share what I deem to be needed information that the other person clams up. I know that last sentence looks really rude on the surface, so let me defend myself a bit. I feel strongly about many things in life, but the big ones in my life right now are attachment parenting, breastfeeding, natural and midwife-attended childbirth, male and female genital integrity, co-sleeping, vegetarianism and veganism, delayed or non-vaccination, and homeschooling. I know that looks like an overwhelming list, but most of them are covered under birth and parenting practices.

I totally understand that all of the above are touchy subjects. Most were touchy with me when they were first brought to my attention. I actually became "converted" to attachment parenting trying to disprove it. We were going to circumcise our sons for many reasons until we researched it in depth. We were going to practice cry-it-out with our babies until we read about how it can be damaging.

I know that situations vary for different families. I get it. I'm not living in some rose-colored hole in the ground. I also know that I might be the determining factor in some of my friend's eating and parenting decisions. I don't think I'm being overly aggressive about my point of view. For instance, a friend was having a conversation about vaccinations and the LDS Church's stance on them. She said it was not open for discussion, but then the comments were starting to be condescending towards those who choose not to vaccinate. Here is my reply:

I understand and respect all of your opinions, but please don't think that people who don't vaccinate are somehow stupid or ill-informed.

As for polio when the government started vaccinating for it the vaccine was a live-virus vaccine. All the cases of polio after that were contracted from the vaccination. Now that they are using a dead-virus vaccination it's not 100% effective, so the child that does contract polio may well have been vaccinated for it.

*sigh* I'm not trying to debate, please believe me. I want to bring up different point of views. I truly understand the Church's stance on this matter. I also understand that the Church knows that individual circumstances vary (think about working mothers). For my family we are following a delayed, limited vaccine routine due to the correlation of vaccinations and Type I diabetes. Our pediatrician agrees.

Yes, I'm fishing for responses like, "Oh, that was perfectly tactful," or, "Thought provoking, not aggressive!" But I also want to know if I stepped out of my bounds. See, this friend has not replied back to this or any of the several comments I have left her on her baby blog. Not one. I'm sure that I've lost this friend, someone who called me twin in college because we were so alike. And because we disagree?

Oh, look at this, I'm turning this into a real whine-fest, aren't I? Sorry, my blog, my open journal, I'm going to whine if I wanna.

I'm just curious when it happened that we became such a polite society that it because the preferable option to stop talking to someone rather than tell them you don't agree with their point of view. I know this is possible, I have this relationship with my sister-in-law. We have a lot in common (of course, my brother married her) but there are things we disagree on, notably vaccinations aned co-sleeping. And that's okay! We still talk. Heck, we even talk about those points on which we differ and still have friendly, horizon-expanding conversations.

Okay, this is getting really rambly and I don't know how to end it, so here I try. I'm lonely, that sucks. Talk to your friends, because if you don't that sucks. And having fleas in your home sucks.

They Grow Up So Quickly...

2010-08-18T11:07:00.001-07:00

"Oh my gosh! Did you see what she was wearing
yesterday? I know. Anyways, I gotta go. Call me, we'll do lunch. Ciao!"

Morning Musings

2010-08-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

Me: Hey, put this diaper in the bathroom trash for me. (yes he was in a 'sposie...)

BuggaBoo: The diaper has pee in it?

Me: It sure does, you peed in it!

BuggaBoo: There was pee in my body?

Me: Yep, but not anymore, because you peed it into the diaper.

BuggaBoo: And there is poop in my body.

Me: Probably.

BuggaBoo: And there are feelings in my body!

Me: Well, yes, but not in the same way as poop or pee...

Milk For Thought

2010-08-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time to post about my train-wreck of a life right now, so here's an interesting link about how bottle-feeding your newborn can make your body believe your baby died.

Word to the Wise

2010-08-12T17:50:00.000-07:00

I've been making water kefir for about a month now. My grains have multiplied from two tablespoons to over forty in that time. I've tried to give them away but only two people have picked some up. I've been having the extra camp out in my fridge until I can figure out what to do with them.

In the meantime the ones I'm actively using to ferment are still multiplying. I make six cups a day and that's plenty for our family, especially since The Hubby doesn't usually drink it (he has a sensitive palate). So, what to do with the extra two tablespoons that grow every day?

I started eating them a few days ago. No biggie, right? I mean, I've been drinking nearly half a gallon of the stuff plus take a few capsules of probiotics every day. When I started drinking kefir I had a mild yeast die-off response of a horrible achy back and slightly loose bowel movements, but nothing since.I should be used to probiotics by now. I should be fine.

Friends, let me suggest to you if you decide to eat your extra kefir grains that you start s-l-o-w-l-y. If you don't you may have a, ah, slightly explosive situation. To put it more plainly I've been having some serious intestinal cramps and the accompanying diarrhea.

So in conclusion: Killing yeast is good, but do it wisely. And make more friends who want your extra kefir grains.

Speaking Up

2010-08-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

I live in a pretty quiet neighborhood. We have some gang activity, usually just tagging and some light scuffles. Overall, however, I feel very safe where I live and have no qualms walking around by myself.

Yesterday was not so quiet. My neighbors were having a horrible fight. Their family consists of a mother, father, and beautiful two-year-old girl. The parents are about my age.

The mother was yelling over and over, "Why are you doing this to us?! Why are you DOING this to us?!" I instinctively froze and started eavesdropping, and so many memories and emotions started flooding through my body.

See, when I was younger my father was rather abusive, emotional more than physical. I remember the fear and anger and the wanting someone, ANYONE, to come rescue us. It's not like we were being timid about it. A few dear friends did come to our aid and would help diffuse the situation.

But usually not.

Usually my father would get into a dark mood and proceed to batter us down through words and actions. When we did make a stand it often ended with one of us physically hurt.

I'm going to pause in my story to make sure to everyone reading this that my dad is NOT like this anymore. He has learned to control his temper and let his funny, sweet, amazing side out. I really enjoy being around him now and feel comfortable when my children are alone with him. He has grown so much.

So I stood in our apartment parking lot, listening for a thump or slap or scream. And it seemed the universe was conspiring against me. Whenever I started to understand what was happening a noise would happen. Emergency sirens, dogs barking, BuggaBoo running up to me and asking to play. The most annoying was my other neighbor who was running his table saw in the front yard.

I eventually went over to him and asked him to stop for a while because I was afraid this woman or child was going to be hurt. His reply to me was, "Oh, yeah, I heard them fighting." And I feel this is the crux of the problem, how society handles things like this.

See, I feel that embarrassment will keep people from helping more than anything. Yes, there is fear of physical hurt. But I would argue that most people just don't want to get involved because it's embarrassing. What would you say? "Hi, I heard you guys fighting rather vigorously and I was afraid that someone may get hurt or die. Yeah, I know you think it's none of my business, but...*shrug shoulders*" I don't see many people doing this. I know because it hardly ever happened with my family.

I think this whole culture of ignoring others' abuse it deeply ingrained. Think about it. If every abuser knew that a loud, scary confrontation would mean active neighbor interest, don't you think they would think twice about being loud? I guess that would mean that the abuse could be driven to be done in secret, but hang with me for a second. Abusers know they can be loud because nobody will stop to help. They are saved from persecution because of others' embarrassment.

Don't worry, I'm human, I felt these same emotions. I was agonizing about it to The Hubby, trying to figure out what to do. "What if they're just having a loud fight?" I would say. "What if someone gets hurt?" he would respond.

Finally we walked over together and knocked on the door to help.

No one answered.

Luckily I saw my neighbor walking home with her daughter later that evening. I walked right up to her and asked if everything was alright. She said it was going to be, and that sometimes her husband/boyfriend (not sure which) was just mean sometimes. She said her daughter would be okay.

I told her that my dad was abusive growing up and I always wanted someone to stop by, so I wanted her to come to me if she needed to. She said she appreciated that. I offered to take her daughter whenever, and she looked relieved about it. She acknowledged that everyone heard the fight, and I said that was true, but nothing to be embarrassed about. She said, "But it is embarrassing," and I said, "That is true, but I don't judge you."

She seemed honestly happy, if a bit chagrined, at my approach. I'm glad I did it. I never thought that my abusive past might help someone else through their situation. I always thought that my past was meant to make me grow. It has, I have grown a lot, but perhaps this is bigger than me.

Please, if you hear a fight and you have any idea that it might get physical, stop by. Be honest. Yes, it's scary. Yes, be prepared in case you might get hurt. Call the police if you can't do it yourself. But do something, because to do nothing could result in someone being hurt or worse. Believe me, I've been there.

The Big Latch On

2010-08-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

So here in Portland we had something called the Big Latch On. I participated today with BuggaBoo and Doozer so I wanted to share the really small picture. Enjoy!

Snack Tray Attack

2010-08-03T22:13:00.001-07:00

Okay, I feel really lame for bringing this up since I haven't put together a snack tray in ages, but I love them and I want you love them, too.

I read about snack trays in "The Baby Book" by Dr. William Sears and his wife, Martha Sears, RN. I wanted to try them out since BuggaBoo likes to graze. I'm sure being a distracted toddler is one reason for snacking all day, but I strongly feel another is because BuggaBoo has a weak epiglottis. When he was a baby he spit up all the time. I am not joking. Our pediatrician was surprised that he even gained weight. I always fed him on demand, I know that's why he thrived.

My mother-in-law said all her babies had the same thing, and both my nephews from that side of the family had it as children. My one nephew who is ten still has episodes of vomiting, especially if he eats too quickly or has a carbonated drink. So I think grazing may be BuggaBoo's way of not overloading his stomach.

The basic principle of a snack tray is to offer a variety of finger foods in a balanced manner. Dipping sauces are encouraged since toddlers can't resist them. First of all I sat down and composed a list of toddler-friendly nutritious finger foods that were quick and cheap. When I started I used a muffin tin.

What you see here, left to right, is whole wheat spiral pasta, bagel with peanut butter, pear chunks, tortillas filled with hummus, homemade seitan, and steamed carrot sticks. Well, this was way too much food for my little guy. He also didn't get the concept at first, he kept coming to me and telling me he was hungry. I would direct him back to the tray telling him he could eat whatever he wanted whenever he felt like it.

The next day he caught on and was so very excited about the whole thing. I decided to scale down production to an ice cube tray so there wasn't too much food.

This one was pretzel sticks, dried apricots, tortilla spread with peanut butter and wheat germ before rolling up, steamed broccoli, cucumber chunks, olives, peaches, and steamed carrot sticks. The dip was homemade hummus. As you can see by the glimpse of BuggaBoo's face he was pleased with his snacks. The ice cube tray proved to be the right amount of food to feed him until dinner.

After that BuggaBoo put in orders for what snacks he wanted and hovered over the assembly. As soon as I set his tray down he pounced on it, and even offered me some of his food. Snack trays became a hit in our household.

Here we have bread with peanut butter, olives, celery sticks, leftover Field Roast, honey tangerines, dried apricots, sauteed tofu, garbanzo beans, and something so obviously delicious it didn't make it to the photo shoot.

On benefit to having a free-access snack tray is BuggaBoo has a better mood most the day. He still has a hard time articulating when he's hungry and I'm so bad about preparing food on a set schedule. I eat whenever I'm hungry and it's not always when he's hungry, but I forget that he'll get hungry before me. I know, bad mommy. By the time he's hungry his mood has deteriorated to a point of nuclear war and trying to make something for him during the meltdown is difficult. So a snack tray circumvents all that! Also, I love to share with him, there's something about eating food that is bite-sized.

Olives (BuggaBoo adores them), pear chunks, canned peaches, pretzel sticks, cooked pasta, zucchini sticks, and sauteed tofu. Dipping unknown, something creamy.

So in conclusion I want to start making these again. They're fun, easy to put together, and the rewards are, well, rewarding. And I sometimes find little treasures like these:

This is, of course, and animal cracker drowning in peanut butter-apple sauce dip. He was delicious.

Dust, Go To Sleep...

2010-08-01T17:57:00.000-07:00

Doozer's first bath

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

BuggaBoo and Mommy, a few weeks before Doozer was born

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Mommy and Doozer, a few weeks old

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

BuggaBoo, 2.5 years old

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

Mommy and Doozer, heading to a postpartum checkup

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

BuggaBoo, having fun with Mommy's lipstick

- Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

Mommy, Daddy, BuggaBoo, and Doozer

The Funness in My Life

2010-07-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

Funness: (noun) 1. Amazing junk (There's a lot of funness going on right now at the Krunkle's.)

Remember this post I wrote way back in...May? My goodness, what have I been doing? Obviously not keeping up on my polls. Poll, I guess, singular, I've only done one. Well, I know I promised that ya'll could have a say in my life, and I even let you vote. But, gol darn, this isn't a democracy and sometimes there are extenuating circumstances that turn my life into a military state.

So even though Sew-a-Seam-a-Day won the poll by a landslide I'm focusing more on sprouting, fermenting, and EC. I'm sprouting because we need more antioxidants in our life to help combat Doozer's wheezing and sprouts are cheap. We're fermenting with water kefir grains because the probiotics are supposed to help Doozer's and mine immune systems to keep her from catching viruses and aggravating her Reactive Airway Disease. And the EC helps with keeping her yeast diaper rash from coming back since she sitting in less wet/soiled diapers.

It's actually pretty fun. Well, I'm getting tired of having to rinse my sprouts all the time, but that's just because my kitchen is a disaster. Making water kefir is REALLY fun and yummy, and that's a whole other post in itself. (Sidenote: How many times have I mentioned "whole other posts" and I haven't followed up on that? Slacker!) And I really like practicing EC and all the astonished praise about my "genius" daughter. I'll let you in on a secret: She's not a genius (about pottying) or a "good" baby, or anything mutant. Elimination communication can work for every baby! So don't be intimidated.

So there ya go, that's what's going on in my life. And here's a parting picture of something that has nothing to do with this post but is precious nonetheless:

Hi, My Name is Krista...

2010-07-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

And I have a Facebook and other asinine-internet-wasters addiction. Seriously, guys, what the heck. I get on Facebook um, *counting* ten times a day, at least.

I have enough real stuff to do during the day I don't need to get on the time-sucker every hour or so. The only thing is I don't want to deal with real life so I get suck into virtually real life. Right now my kitchen is a bio-hazard waste dump, but it needs to be cleaned before I can process jam tonight. If I don't do jam then all the hard work The Hubby and I did picking raspberries on Monday is going to go to waste, not to mention the $12 we spent on the berries.

By the way, that's not the only thing I need to do, just the most pressing.

Also by the way, happy 50th post to me!

Okay, back to the real business at hand: trying to kick the Facebook habit. Here's general musings I've had on the subject matter, and also another colon:

Get rid of my Facebook account

That would fix things, and in a hurry. But I've come to depend on Facebook for sharing all the latest news with my friends & family and seeing what they're up to in their lives. But now that I'm blogging maybe I can shift my focus to reading blogs and having people read my blog and be done with it all. Hmm, tempting...

Turn off the computer

This would also work well. But we just changed our phone system to magicJack and the computer has to be on for calls to come in. So I really don't think that would work for the bigger picture. We already don't use a cell phone, so we have to have our home phone in case of emergencies.

Delete a ton of Facebook friends

This would help a lot. I wouldn't have to try to keep up with everyone's status updates and whatnot. It would be cozy to just have a few friends. I mean, right now I have 390 friends, but I don't even know some of these people. So deleting would be a great course of action, but it makes me feel so guilty. I want to delete some family members, but can I do that? Is that allowed? Do I have to be friends with family? And what about friends from high school that aren't really intimate friends because our lives have taken different directions, that's guilt-inducing to delete them. But I think I'm going to go this route because I think after it's done it'll feel soooo good.

Replace the habit of getting onto Facebook with a better habit

This is what I'm trying now. I decided today that every time I have an overwhelming urge to get online I'm going to give Doozer a nebulizer treatment. She needs to have the several times a day, it takes about 15 minutes to do one, and once I"m done hopefully I won't have the urge anymore. Hopefully.

I think what this all comes down to is wanting to know what people are saying about me. Like cyber-narcissism. But, really, checking for comments all the time just stresses me out. Because then I have to sometimes defend myself, and at other times there aren't any comments and that just makes me feel bad, and at other times they're sweet but not easily responded to but I have to respond so everyone knows I like them. *sigh*

Okay, if you're still with me after all those bold-titled lists and rambling thoughts, I would like to know your thoughts. Do you have any problems function in real life due to being on the computer too much? Do you have any ideas? If so, share, because I could really use some good ideas.

Out of Necessity

2010-07-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

Those who have been reading my blog for a while know of Doozer's breathing difficulties. Those who have not been reading my blog are missing out on some amazing literature. Anyway, today we're going to talk about Doozer's health journey up to this point, which is culminating in a difficult decision for me.

I was visiting my family in Washington for three weeks for my brother's graduation plus some. I was hoping that Doozer's breathing would do better while I was there since we would be away from the mold present in our apartment.

Mold? MOLD? Yes, we have a moldy apartment. My manager and landlord try to pish-posh it off on Oregon weather, but that's only true if you consider that weather used to have direct access into my home through the rotten roof the winter BuggaBoo was born. That's when the mold started, when our apartment was drenched with Northwester rain. And it hasn't ended because getting anything done with the manager and landlord is like pulling teeth.

Right, Doozer's health. Well, she didn't get better, she actually got worse. We went to the ER one night where she received a chest x-ray (clear), an Albuterol treatment, and an oral dose of dexamethasone. She was wheezing again by the time we made it back to the car.

While we were in Washington I had Doozer scanned with a Pharmanex BioPhotonic Scanner to test her antioxidant levels. Here is an article that talks about the importance of the level of antioxidants in the skin, about halfway down. My level is 40,000. Not bad but room for improvement. Doozer's level is 28,000, not good at all for a breastfed baby. Everyone I've talked to about her levels says that Doozer is burning through her antioxidants dealing with all her health issues.

The Monday we were to head back to Oregon we did two things. First, we visited my childhood chiropractor to see if he could help with Doozer's wheezing and yeast diaper rash. Then we talked to one of my sister's midwives that is knowledgeable in herbs to see what she would do.

My chiropractor sensed energy blocks in Doozer's crown, sinus and jaw. He then adjusted those areas. Then he tested me for some things, since my health affects hers. He detected a B12 deficiency. Not good.

The midwife advised the use of mullein tea, colloidal silver, and tea tree oil. The mullein and silver were to be both orally and used in the nebulizer, the tea tree oil was to be used in the nebulizer only.

We drove home Monday night. Tuesday morning The Hubby and I took Doozer to her four-month well back check up. Our pediatrician did not like the sound of her wheezing, but she's growing well and has a happy disposition. He then diagnosed her with Reactive Airways Disease, or RAD. The pediatrician said this is because she had RSV at such a young age. He took her off the Albuterol, which made us happy since it gave Doozer the shakes and didn't do much for her wheezing. Then he prescribed Pulmicort, an inhaled steroid, which didn't make us happy.

The Hubby and I made this decision: We would try the natural method first, giving it until Wednesday night to work. If it didn't work by then we would put her on the steroids. We started nebulizing the mullein, silver, and tea tree oil several times a day. We saw a major improvement, so we decided to stick with the regime. By Thursday her breathing was amazing, beautiful, and perfect. Her little tummy was so rounded with each breath, I wanted to cup it with my hand.

Thursday afternoon BuggaBoo shoved the garden hose in Doozer's face, causing her to inhale some water. Every symptom came back with a vengance. The natural treatments were not working, and she was coughing so hard, working on getting that water up. Saturday morning, during a nebulizer treatment, she coughed up foamy, slimy mucus. I became very worried about that. I called our pediatrician's office and made an appointment with another doctor in the practice.

I took Doozer in to see the doctor, and the doctor wasn't happy with us. She listened to Doozer's lungs and decided that this wheezing episode was the same as all her others and had nothing to do with getting a face full of water. She wanted us to "stop that natural stuff" right away and put her on the Albuterol and Pulmicort. She didn't even tell me if she had heard water in Doozer's lungs until I asked at the end of the appointment.

After the appointment I did some research and found articles supporting my beliefs about dexamethason being ineffective in the treatment of infant wheezing and corticosteroids being ineffective in the treatment of childhood asthma symptoms.

Overall I was upset about the appointment and feeling very chastised for following my instincts. So I made an appointment with a pediatric naturopath. We had that appointment this last Thursday and I was very pleased with the outcome.

The naturopath was also unhappy with the allopathic pediatrician prescribing a steroid. We talked a lot about my diet, since I'm breastfeeding and whatever I do affects Doozer. The naturopath suggested upping our DHA and other omega-3 fatty acids to help combat inflammation. She told us to use probiotics to help strengthen our immune systems, including fermenting kefir at home. She told us to continue the use of mullein and colloidal silver but had us substitute lemon oil for the tea tree oil. She wants me to eat more antioxidant-rich foods like berries and leafy greens to help combat Doozer's free radical problem. She told us to help BuggaBoo's immune system so he stops bringing colds home.

And then she told me to eat eggs to improve my B12 levels, especially since I'm tandem nursing..

I felt this was going to happen, and I've been feeling the need to add eggs to my diet. But this is hard, guys. I mean, I really don't want to eat baby chickens, which is what I'll be doing because I strongly feel for eggs to have benefit for me they have to be fertile. But I don't want to do this.

The Hubby and I have always said that if things reach a point that we need to eat animals we will, but now that this time is here I am sad. I feel grief. I keep telling myself that this is needed, but a little voice is telling me that she must be wrong, that being vegan is always healthy, always. That anybody who says differently must be uneducated in the matter.

But I take my supplements nearly every day. I'm taking 16,000% of my B12 a day. I eat my nutritional yeast. I'm doing all the right vegan things. I have to come to peace with myself knowing I'm doing everything right but it's not enough. That it's okay to add eggs back in.

I will do this. I will do this for my babies.

This is a hard thing.

Dinner Recipe of Speed

2010-07-14T18:44:00.000-07:00

Are you hungry now? Hungry for something delicious that uses up that questionable produce? Hungry for something that is easy to adapt to use that questionable produce? Hungry for a vague recipe?

This recipe is for you.

Greens-Carbs-Protein Extravaganza

Oil-type food (olive, coconut, canola, etc.)
Onion-type food (garlic, shallots, leeks, or onions)
Carb-type food (cubed potatoes, mashed potatoes, cooked pasta, cooked grain, etc.)
Greens-type food (cabbage, kale, collards, bok choy, mustard, chard, beet tops, broccoli, etc.)
Protein-type food (cooked beans, tofu, seitan, rehydrated TVP, or for non-vegans, hard boiled eggs, cooked meat)
Seasoning-type food (tomato paste, season salt, garlic powder, nutritional yeast, etc.)
Optional Vegetable-type food (carrots, green beans, peas, bamboo shoots, etc.)

1. Put oil in pan of choice, add chopped onion-type food.

2. Add carb-type food if it needs longer cooking, like cubed potatoes. I like to nuke my whole potatoes for a minute or two to precook, ensuring full cooking in rapid time. If it's something like cooked pasta then add it later so it doesn't fall apart. If it's mashed potatoes add at the end of it all.

3. Add optional vegetable-type food if it needs longer cooking, like carrots.

4. Add greens-type food, protein-type food, and other optional vegetable-type food. Add seasoning-type food to taste. Cook together until greens are cooked to liking. If you're using broccoli as your greens then add them earlier than this stage.

5. Eat like the hungry animal you are. Raahr!