Monday, October 3, 2011

The Thief in My Life

I have a thief that has come into my life.

This thief has stolen my marriage. I no longer have a partnership between equals, two adults striving to lift each other up. Ours is now a relationship of invalid and caretaker, child and guardian. There can be no true companionship between such as these.

This thief has stolen my children. Once my kids were people to marvel in, now they are things to be endured. They are inconveniences that loom before me. I am empty so they are never filled, and they devour me from morning until night.

This thief has stolen my motherhood. Instead of sharing light and love and patience I am made of rage and nerves and apathy. I cannot nurture and calm, I want to belittle and harm. A mother like me should be a mother to none.

This thief has stolen my enjoyment. I have not sewn in months, nor do I want to. I cannot bring myself to cook, we purchase "food" from fast food chains nearly everyday and consider ourselves lucky to be fed. I buy ingredients with intention to prepare dishes with love; instead they rot in my fridge like the whitewashed sepulchre. My garden is composting before my eyes and it barely stirs grief inside me. I start projects to abandon them at whim. I just do not care anymore.

This thief has stolen my delight in food. I eat to forget, to shun responsibility, to have an excuse to sit. I eat to feed my sadness, to quiet the pain, to tell the kids, "I'm busy." I used to eat for flavor and fun and family, but now I eat in shame and excess and loneliness. I am never filled.

This thief has stolen my innocence. Guilt is my daily companion. No matter the choice, no matter my path, I am buried in guilt. Every decision in wrong, blame is all I know. I embrace it, I lie with it, guilt is my abusive lover.

This thief has stolen my sleep. When I wake in the morning I long for my bed. The memory of comfort blankets all my thoughts. I want to sleep, to know nothing. I want to sleep, until it is time for such a thing, and then I cannot. I am compelled to stay awake, to feel edgy and driven, until I am forced to my bed in the early hours of the day. I need too much sleep and none at all.

There is a thief in my life.

It is depression.

I have been robbed.


  1. Oh Krista! I'm so sorry. I love you! I'm going to pray for you, but I wish that there was something more that I could do. :( You are an amazing wife and mother, and I know that there are many people (myself included) that look up to you. Please make an appointment with someone to get some help! If you need anything, shoot me an email or what not. Remember that you are loved.

  2. e-mailing you now... love you! xoxo

  3. I know the feeling. My loss of energy turned out to be Anemia. Might want to make sure your Hemagloben is normal. When I get stressed, overwhelmed and down I drink Kava root, I get from Kona Kava farms online. As a stayhome mother and wife myself, life can sometimes feel sad and mundane. Love my kids and family, but it is not always glorious.

  4. My sweet Krista, my heart goes out to you. I have been there. It can get better, but you need to find help. If you need me to watch your kids so you can go seek help, please call me. We can work together to make it work schedule wise.

  5. My dearest Krista,

    Your post brings tears to by eyes because you are my sister and i do not want you to experience pain, but also because i see so much of me in your post. I have a life that should be full of happiness, but many times it's just a struggle to survive. I think i need to follow in your steps and seek counseling again. I hope that you can find joy in your life again <3<3

  6. Sweetheart, I love you! I'm aching and weeping for you and your little family. I know this has been your battle for a long time now. I am glad that you are posting about it, because it might mean you are ready to tackle this thing that is leeching your life. You are so strong! For you to have been battling this depression for this long and still seeing glimmers of you in there just affirms to me that you are a strong daughter of God! Now is the time my loverly! I will do anything you need me to! Please let me know what to do to help you!? I love you so much. You have always been a rock in my life. You save me over and over! Let me save you! IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou!

  7. Krista,

    I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this -- it isn't easy. Contact Jillyn for my contact info if you need someone to talk to or want some support. Or if you have questions... I was treated for depression for many many years and although I would consider it to be "under control," still struggle with it.

    I have tried medication, exercise, therapy, etc etc and I know what works for me... but it take a unique balance for everyone.

    I'll be praying for you... hang in there and know that you are loved!

  8. I am a little worried because I see some of my own actions in what you have posted. I know my situation stems from my own actions (which are different from yours) and is my own fault. I really hope that the counseling helps you. Please let me know if there is any way I can help, k?

  9. oh hugs, Krista. I have this same thief in my life - an unwelcome guest. Will be praying for you.

  10. You have such an amazing way with words! I am jealous. At one time I too felt this. I think I am finally on the upside. Just don't loose site of your goal. To endure and overcome! Cuz if you loose sight... thats when you feel really lost.