New Resolution Brings New Regime (Kinda)

Or something like that.

Since becoming severely depressed our family has been living on a fairly steady diet of junk food. Absolute junk. Surprise surprise, this has really affected our health. I tried doing GAPS a while back and I loved it and it was fabulous and the kids were even getting into it, but then a got a pretty bad bladder infection and had to take antibiotics for it despite trying to fix it myself. Antibiotics are really good at killing your gut flora and I just gave up doing GAPS.

After lots of therapy and working on myself I'm finally at a tipping point. Continuing to eat junk is worse than the pain it will take to change it. And I think the pain will be considerable. All four of us are very addicted to sugar and simple carbohydrates. BuggaBoo has been exhibiting what I'm calling "addict behavior" towards sweets. We will tell him to his face that whatever sweet (usually chocolate) belongs to another family member, but when we turn around he'll steal it and run to his bedroom to hide and consumes it greedily. Not a pretty situation. I already knew that BuggaBoo doesn't respond well to sugar but the stealing is a new thing.

The plan is to get off sweets entirely (written after eating two cookies) and get off grains and, oh, try really hard to eat a Primal diet. Vegetables, meat and fats, eggs, fruits, nuts and seeds, in that order. We'll have dairy sometimes, the kids love their plain yogurt with a bit of jam or honey stirred in. We're hoping it'll help The Hubby with his Type I diabetes, me with my heath issues, and the kids in behavior and health arenas.

On this journey of mine I will not mention weight. Not one bit. I'm not doing this to lose weight, I'm doing this to regain health. I firmly believe in Heath at Every Size. I also experienced too much body policing in my lifetime and I don't want to hate myself for being whatever size. Whatever.

Instead I'm going to try to get rid of: back acne, acid reflux, fatigue, headaches, yeast infections, post nasal drip, stuffy sinuses, brain fog, sore joints, lack of energy, anxiety, irritability, digestive issues, and hormonal imbalances. In my children I'm hoping to see an improvement in their overall health and behavior (although I feel behavior is closely linked to health, 'cause if you don't feel well you don't behave well).

I'm going to do as well as I can but I'm not going to hold myself to a perfect standard. For me I easily fall into a perfection-punishment cycle. I don't want to be perfect, I want to be better. Two different things.

So, I'll blog about this. And I might not keep it up. And I won't beat myself up for it. Sounds like a great resolution to keep.

Urgh

I just had an epic fall. I was getting a blanket from the closet for Doozer so she would stop stealing BuggaBoo's blanket (They've both been throwing up. Merry Christmas!). As I was walking back to the couch I shook out the blanket in front of my face. Wrong move.

The blanket hid the crayon box that was on the floor and I stepped right into it. Hard plastic slips really well on hardwood floors. I fell so hard on my left hip if I was 40+ years older I would have probably broken it. Good times.

I'm okay, just waiting for the awesome bruise I know I'm going to develop tomorrow.

Thank You and an Update

Wow, thank you everyone for the love, it's just amazing. I'm even feeling it in The Real World; I had some friends/leaders from my church stop by tonight to bring me dinner and as much help as I could want. We're setting up playdates and meals and other such things. It was hard for me because I was embarrassed to be telling Real Live People about my depression and anxiety. I couldn't look them in the face. If you're reading this, Real Live People, I'm sorry. You deserved for me to be more engaged, but I just couldn't do it. Thank you for dinner, it was delicious.

Wednesday I had a session with a therapist from LDS Family Services. I was having mixed feelings about meeting with a Church sponsored therapist. On one hand it's nice to know that I don't have to explain my rather confusing religion to a doctor who may not know about it. Having grown up in the LDS Church has shaped my life immensely. There is really no culture like LDS culture! However, I was worried that I was going to get a religion-happy therapist that would boil my troubles down into Pray! Read your scriptures! Attend church meetings! Be faithful! Those are not the sort of answers I need right now. I was apprehensive (to say the least) about this initial interview.

My therapist is a splendid lady! And so professional, it was delightful. She had me fill out a questionnaire about my symptoms. There were some questions on the form about drug use, I replaced that with eating and junk food, since I have been soothing myself with food. The scoring scale is from 0-180. My total score was 136. A score over 63 is said to have "clinical significance." The doctor said that was the highest score she's ever seen, and she's been counseling for 15 years. I laughed when she told me that because I was relieved to know that a professional thought I was as crazy as I thought I was.

We quickly skimmed over my history to get a feel for what might be causing my funk. It is a many layered problem involving my childhood, past relationships, church indoctrination, personal expectations, extreme stress, and chemical imbalances. When the topic of religion came up my therapist was, hmm, I guess the best word is "aloof". She didn't start talking to me in a church member-to-church member way. It was very professional. I was very relieved.

Talking about my personal expectations was hard for me. It's was hard to admit that I don't necessarily find staying at home with the children to be rainbows and unicorn farts. It's hard to admit that I have dreams I want to actively pursue but feel from heavy outside and inside pressure to give them up because it's incompatible with being a 100% stay-at-home-mom. It's hard for me to say that the stress of dealing with kids is wearing for me, that I would be a happier person being a part-time-mom rather than full-time. Because a mother's place is in the home. And daycare is evil. And if I'm not with my kids all the time then how am I even a parent? And have I no faith?

Of course working through my childhood is going to be a massive undertaking. I'm looking forward to it but I know I'm going to be drained while dealing with it. There's just so much.

We discussed my postpartum depression that started with BuggaBoo and never really let up. She seemed surprised that I was never medicated, and looking back at how bad things were I'm shocked, too. What really hurts is there was many people, some medical professionals, that recognized my symptoms but didn't help me understand that what I was experiencing wasn't normal. My PPD coupled with untreated depression during my teenage years added to my father's (and possibly mother's) history of depression and mental disturbances makes for a strong case for organic causes. Not to say that it's 100% chemical, but that's a large aspect of it.

We did talk about medication. The doctor feels at this time it might be best to have a few sessions under my belt and see how that helps with my anxiety levels. I am open to taking something if I need it, which is a huge step for me considering how naturally minded I am when it comes to medication.

So, overall things were really great. We decided on weekly appointments because I am in crisis mode right now. It's going to help so much to know that every week I'm going to have time to myself to recharge and be able to work through things. Our car died a while ago so I'll have to take public transportation. At minimum it's a 90 minute trip there. So I'll have at least four hours to myself to just think or read or sketch or write or whatever. And there will be no guilt associated with it because it's something I have to do, so yay!

Again, thank you for your concern, it's heart warming. It's still surprising to me how many lives I've touched and blessed, and seeing how your all bless my life is an affirmation to me that we all need each other. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and God bless.

The Thief in My Life

I have a thief that has come into my life.

This thief has stolen my marriage. I no longer have a partnership between equals, two adults striving to lift each other up. Ours is now a relationship of invalid and caretaker, child and guardian. There can be no true companionship between such as these.

This thief has stolen my children. Once my kids were people to marvel in, now they are things to be endured. They are inconveniences that loom before me. I am empty so they are never filled, and they devour me from morning until night.

This thief has stolen my motherhood. Instead of sharing light and love and patience I am made of rage and nerves and apathy. I cannot nurture and calm, I want to belittle and harm. A mother like me should be a mother to none.

This thief has stolen my enjoyment. I have not sewn in months, nor do I want to. I cannot bring myself to cook, we purchase "food" from fast food chains nearly everyday and consider ourselves lucky to be fed. I buy ingredients with intention to prepare dishes with love; instead they rot in my fridge like the whitewashed sepulchre. My garden is composting before my eyes and it barely stirs grief inside me. I start projects to abandon them at whim. I just do not care anymore.

This thief has stolen my delight in food. I eat to forget, to shun responsibility, to have an excuse to sit. I eat to feed my sadness, to quiet the pain, to tell the kids, "I'm busy." I used to eat for flavor and fun and family, but now I eat in shame and excess and loneliness. I am never filled.

This thief has stolen my innocence. Guilt is my daily companion. No matter the choice, no matter my path, I am buried in guilt. Every decision in wrong, blame is all I know. I embrace it, I lie with it, guilt is my abusive lover.

This thief has stolen my sleep. When I wake in the morning I long for my bed. The memory of comfort blankets all my thoughts. I want to sleep, to know nothing. I want to sleep, until it is time for such a thing, and then I cannot. I am compelled to stay awake, to feel edgy and driven, until I am forced to my bed in the early hours of the day. I need too much sleep and none at all.

There is a thief in my life.

It is depression.

I have been robbed.

Can't Catch a Break

Yesterday BuggaBoo fell and bit his lip badly. We didn't realize how deeply it was cut until later that day when the swelling went down and the bleeding stopped. We took him to the ER where they told us that stitches wouldn't be prudent and rinse it out three times a day.

This morning he woke up looking like this:


The gash has sealed up. His lip feels warm to the touch and he's starting to get a bit of red around the wound. We think some infection is in the sealed part.

Yes, we realize he has problems with his teeth. Our doctor attributes this mostly to his reflux and early eruption of teeth.

So that's been fun.

Earlier today I was cleaning out the chicken pen a bit and BuggaBoo was hanging out watching me. He was doing his normal I'm-three-and-don't-particulary-like-clothing-so-I'm-starkers routine. All the sudden he starts yelling, "Get away! Get away!" and then started screaming.

A wasp had bit him on the penis.

Like I said, poor kid can't get a break.

Sarting the GAPS Diet--In Which I Still Try to Fix Everything With Food

Scatter-brained post ahead!

Ever heard of GAPS? The acronym stands for Gut and Psychology Syndrome. Basically it's the understanding that gut health can affect the rest of your body, including stuff that's "just in your head." ADD? Probably gut related. Autism? Probably gut related. Depression? Gut.

The GAPS Diet is a program you can follow to heal your gut, thereby healing food sensitivities, allergies, mental, and behavioral problems. Many things can damage your digestive tract. The most common are antibiotics, hormonal birth control, chlorinated water, artificial flavors and colors, preservatives, lack of probiotic foods, not being breastfed, and eating improperly prepared foods that contain phytic acid and other anti-nutrients. Whew!

How does this apply to our family? I can't speak for The Hubby because I'm not him and therefore I don't want to air everything of his on the internet, but he's had several courses of antibiotics as a child, ate tons of processed foods and artificial sweeteners, and is diabetic. He's also working nights, which takes such a huge toll on his body and health.

For myself I've also have taken many courses of antibiotics. Looking at the list above I've done everything on it except two things: I was breastfed for a year and I've never taken The Pill.

My kidlets have had it better. They're still both breastfed, BuggaBoo had only one dose of antibiotics in his life (his fever broke right after the dose so we knew it wasn't due to the antibiotics and stopped administering them), they're not vaccinated (thereby decreasing the toxic load on their bodies) and we eat some probiotic containing foods. But I haven't been sprouting and soaking my grains, they eat too much sugar and such, and they are both exhibiting symptoms of food sensitivities.

What are our symptoms? Read on, they're in handy list form!

BuggaBoo's Symptoms

-Major reflux as a baby, will still sometimes spit up food or breast milk at 3.5 years old

All this in 5 minutes, plus more

-Ongoing cradle cap
-Lives for sugars, which negatively impact his behavior and cause extreme mood swings
-Has started to hit himself on the head when frustrated (not sure if this is normal toddler behavior or what)
-"Allergy shiners", dark or red circles around the eyes
-Starting to show sensitivity to noise
-Ongoing vomiting issues with no concrete reason (He started throwing up again Sunday morning, while nursing all over me. Delightful.)
-Often complains of "feeling sick" (our code for nauseous)
-Suspected thrush, but no classical symptoms
-Rotting teeth and malformed jaw


Doozer's Symptoms

-Until recently she wheezed
-Eczema behind and in her ears
-Suspected thrush, but, once again, no classical symptoms
-Yeast diaper rashes when younger

My Symptoms

-Ongoing yeast issues, including skin rashes, slow-to-heal lip splits (taking about 6 weeks), coated tongue, and, erm, the usual for the last 4+ years.
-Depression
-Intense cravings for sugar and other refined carbohydrates
-Bloating and stomach pain
-Incomplete bowel movements
-Acid reflux
-Extreme fatigue
-99.9999% sure I have hypothyroidism
-Weak teeth despite fluoride treatments
-Anxiety
-Sinus issues for, oh, I dunno, since I was about 12. So 15 years. Going dairy free didn't help.
-Brain fog. It cleared up for a bit after I first added fish back into our diet, but now it's back.
-Cradle cap, for as long as I can remember. I've even tried medicated shampoos. Nada.

Due to all of this I decided to try the GAPS Diet. On the 16th of this month I started Phase 1 of the Introduction Diet. It is extremely restrictive. At this stage I am eating:

-Meat and bone broths
-Boiled meat
-The "ooky" stuff left over from making broth, like marrow, chicken skins, cartilage, connective tissue, etc. Eating this stuff is a very important part of the diet.
-Well boiled onions, leeks, broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots.
-Winter and summer squash
-Garlic
-Ginger, chamomile, or mint tea with a small amount of honey
-Sea salt
-Sauerkraut juice (to repopulate my intestinal flora)

The children are eating a less restrictive diet because, well, they're a bit picky. In addition to what they'll eat from the above they're also having:

-Eggs, mostly just the raw yolks
-"Ice cream" from frozen bananas, raw egg yolks, and a bit of honey. Sometimes I add frozen cherries or blackberries.
-Whole milk plain yogurt
-Coconut flour pancakes

The first few days were no fun. I think BuggaBoo was vomiting from a die-off reaction. He also took two long naps on Sunday and was very irritable. I was not a happy camper and felt exhausted. I also had pretty bad headaches, lots of sweating, back and face acne, and a nasty mouth. Doozer was sleepy and cranky. On day three we all seemed to be doing a lot better and I had more energy. Today, Day 5, I'm sleepy again and feel the starts of another headache. My face and back are still breaking out badly.

But I see progress. And that's encouraging. I'm excited to see where this goes and such. I have found for me to feel satisfied on this food I have to eat a lot of fat. My most favorite thing to eat is the "ooky" stuff, but I've been that way since I was a kid. And since all my meat is grassfed the fat tastes so good. Yum! The meat itself is not settling too well for me, but that's okay. I'm perfectly happy to drink broth, snack on veggies, and chow down on "ooky" stuff all day long.

And I've noticed I don't have too many cravings for breads and sweets unless I"m looking at them. This does mean that I have to lay off looking at food blogs (boo!), and it's hard because my dear friend just dropped off some sourdough bread for my family (double boo!). And the kiddos don't quite understand why we're not eating that stuff.

Okay, that about does it for today. Hopefully I'll be a bit more coherent about this later. For now please read these thoughtful posts by Cara at Home, Health, and Happiness, and Jenny at The Nourishing Kitchen. These wonderful ladies wrote about GAPS much better than I did. May I blame it on the detoxing?

Big Changes Part II...Finally!

Part I can be found here.

So I have come to the conclusion that I can drastically improve BuggaBoo's tooth and jaw health through diet, and hopefully head off any problems in Doozer. Also I hope to be able to finally cure the weak spots in my teeth that have plagued me since before my marriage. I have tried fluoride and it does not work for me.

So we've started introducing animal foods back into our diet. Last summer we started with eggs, and a few weeks ago we added more variety, starting with fish. Now we eat some beef and we had a bit of pork at Easter and there was this one time I had some fried chicken. We are trying very hard to be conscientious about our choices. We eat sustainable fish such as sardines and pollock. We buy our beef from local pastured steers.

We have decided to make an emphasis on eating the whole animal, especially the parts that other people don't want to. My freezer is full of bones, livers, tongues, and hearts. We feel that it is more respectful to the animal to use all of it; that if it is going to give its life for our benefit we better be sure to make the best use of its body. The positive to eating the parts no one else wants is we get the most nutritionally dense foods available, so we don't need to eat as much.

Are we perfect? No, not by a long shot. But we try. Eating out is the hardest, because most restaurants don't use humanely raised meats. But I wish they did. Heck, I really need to do my part and only buy at the places that meet my standards, but my budget would basically permit Chipotle and they already make a super killer vegetarian burrito.

Right. So, the benefits of this? Well, let me tell you. For months, months, I have been having problems with brain fog, lack of energy and motivation, major problems with speaking and typing, and just all around feeling like my whole life was an out-of-body experience. Seriously, it was so hard for me to speak sometimes; my tongue felt so huge in my mouth it was impossible to form words. Simple, easy words. My fingers didn't want to obey my befuddled brain signals. I made a lot of typing mistakes. And I just felt listless, needing 12+ hours to feel normal, but never getting that with little children in the house.

After starting to eat fish again that all cleared up. It felt wonderful to be able to think, to be quick again. And I do not think it was only the magical omega fatty acids. I was taking an algae based DHA supplement and eating lots of ground flax and I didn't see any improvement.

May I say that I feel that is a major downfall of being veg*n? The whole movement tends to break food down into their nutrients. Are you craving beef? Then it must be the iron or protein or fat or something. It can't be the beef. It can't be something we haven't discovered yet, or heck, even be a synergistic reaction between everything in the beef. To satisfy the criteria of veg*nism all foods must be their components and nothing else.

So, we eat animals. And we feel okay about that. Okay, we adults feel okay about that, BuggaBoo is still having a rough time with it. I don't blame the kid, his whole life we've told him it's sad to eat animals. Then, BAM! It's all okay to eat them. Poor confused child. We're treating him very gently, giving him lots of time.

We're still trying to get into our groove. I have been feeling heavy after meals recently; I'm taking that as a sign to lighten up. The first few weeks I couldn't get enough eggs, meat, fish, or bone broth. Now I'm feeling fuller, which is reassuring to me. I feel I am working to fill my deficiencies, and that just feels right.

There is so much more I want to implement in our new diet besides animals foods. That's just part of it. More fresh and raw veggies would be amazing. I'm learning how to soak and sprout my grains to reduce phytic acid and increase nutrient absorption. I'm experimenting with fermented foods, which taste amazing and help bring my internal flora and fauna into balance. I'm learning more about healthy fats and why animal fat isn't such a scary thing after all, and how vegetable oils can be downright terrifying.

But! All of this is just skimming the surface. And I have done a lot of reading and researching to get here. Too much to go over at 11:00pm. So let me wrap up by saying I'm happy where we are in our life, and I'm excited to see where we go from here. As always, comments are encouraged, opposite viewpoints are respected, but let's be civil.

Almost Human

After writing this I got seriously sick and eventually called The Hubby home from work and was thisclose to calling an ambulance if it weren't for the fact I didn't know what to do with the kids if I were taken to the hospital. To put it as delicately as possible I was having quite a bit of stomach troubles, so it was hard to me to drink anything OR keep anything inside me. It got to the point where I stopped sweating and I felt as though my sinuses had collapsed on themselves.

I'm pretty sure now it was some sort of food poisoning from a fast food place, since nobody else is even showing signs of being sick. I am most grateful for that. I am also most grateful for distracting movies, such at Babies and The Secret of Kells. And do me a favor and don't watch a trailer for The Secret of Kells, just watch the movie. It's that good.

Anyway, I'm much better now and even feeling up for a very short walk. Thanks for all the concern, I really appreciate the love.

Part II...To Come Soon

I came down with the plague or something. I'm suspecting H1N1, but my symptoms actually fit malaria better. Whatever. I'm feeling quite better, but I foresee another day or so of laying a-bed. My sister and the Hubby have been indispensable these few days, so this is a public show of gratitude. I love you guys, thanks for all the help!

So I'll be posting Part II as soon as possible.

Big Changes Part I

So I hinted in my last post that we aren't exactly vegetarian anymore. And if you aren't exactly vegetarian, then you aren't at all, because it's really an all-or-nothing proposition.

I have strong feelings about eating animals. I've been vegetarian for over four years and vegan for about 2.5 of those years. I read and prayed and studied scripture about this, and I came to the conclusion that animals are not for consumption unless needed for health. I believed that due to modern science and food availability veganism was the healthiest and most spiritual way of eating. I felt that eating animals when not needed was sinful.

Well, I still have those same feelings. What is different is now I believe that for me and my kids eating animals will contribute to our health.

This all started with BuugaBoo's teeth. He had some major reflux as a baby, and will still spit up sometimes if he eats or nurses and then runs around. It runs in The Hubby's side of the family. His first teeth erupted at 3.5 months, and he had a mouthful of pearly whites by the time he was one. They were beautiful.

Right after he reached his first birthday his front upper teeth began to decay. This is him around the age of two, notice his upper teeth:



And I don't know why he looks so old in this picture, must be the angle and the lighting. Believe me, this is when he was younger, he has a ton more hair now.

My midwife and pediatrician chalked up his tooth decay to the reflux. A dentist we saw said it was due to night nursing, which I totally disagree with. We became extra diligent about brushing his teeth and the decay stopped. It got to the point that when we took BuggaBoo into a pediatric dentist the dentist didn't even know he had decay, he thought BuggaBoo had malformed teeth. It took a lot of insistence on my part that his teeth came in perfect for him to believe us. His confusion stemmed from the fact that BuggaBoo's side incisors were worse than the middle ones. He said the only way that would happen is if his side incisors came in first. When I informed the dentist that exactly what happened, he then agreed that the decay stemmed from the reflux.

A few months ago BuggaBoo's teeth started decaying again, despite the fact that we were careful to brush his teeth and he's been nightweaned since 20 months old. This is what his teeth looked like on his third birthday:


So I started reading a lot about how to nutritionally heal cavities, because the proposed plan of action was fillings or extractions. And I ran across this thread and thought, "Huh? Tooth spacing? Baby teeth are supposed to have GAPS?!"

Why, yes, yes they are. Like so:

source

The gaps provide ample space for the adult teeth to erupt. Did you know that teeth are supposed to be straight? Straight teeth are normal, braces are here to correct jaw deformities. Wisdom teeth are supposed to stay in the mouth. In order to have enough space for all your adult teeth you need to have wide dental arches.

source

Notice this diagram has all molars present and the teeth are not crowded. Compare this drawing to this mold of a narrow dental arch:

source

Actually, that last example looks a lot like my bottom teeth. Here is a picture of my top teeth:


I always liked my unique teeth, I like the way they look. They are very tight, so flossing is a big problem for me since I often shred the dental floss. Also, if I get kissed too hard or I accidentally bump my mouth my teeth will slightly split my bottom lip, and I often get canker sores from that.

I went in for a braces consultation once and the orthodontist said he wanted to pull 4 of my molars(!) to make room for the other teeth. I asked why they wouldn't pull my wisdom teeth (I still have them, they have not erupted yet) and he never gave me a good enough answer.

Where was I? Diet? Right. So I had always thought that teeth were the result of genetics and that was that. So I was surprised to run across internet mommas who had fixed their children's teeth issues with nutrition. And the way they were healing their teeth was by eating animals products.

The nutritional regime that seems to work the best is lots of raw milk and milk products, lots of animals fats, lots of organ meats, lots of bone broths, lots of cod liver oil, lots of fermented foods, lot of raw eggs.

So, in the next part I'll talk about how this jives with our family.

Part II here.

I'm Crossing My Fingers!

I really shouldn't be posting this all over the internetz, I know I'm jinxing myself, but I just couldn't stop myself!

For the last four days I've been dosing my family with cod liver oil. We're using Nordic Naturals Arctic-D Cod Liver Oil, which I've since learned isn't the best you can buy. A better pick would be a high-vitamin cod liver oil, or even better better, a fermented cod liver oil.

Anyways, so we've been taking this stuff. It's not too bad, it's been stripped of all it's fishy flavor, so to me it's like swallowing a teaspoon of oil. Which I am, but it's not a pleasant sensation. BuggaBoo and Doozer take half a teaspoon and love it. BuggaBoo says it tastes like lemonade and Doozer cries when I put the bottle back in the fridge.

ANYWAYS, to the important part. Today the Hubby and I were running around town with the kids, having fun (since he turned 30 today, Happy Birthday!), when I noticed that something very familiar wasn't with us.

Doozer wasn't wheezing.

She hasn't wheezed all day.

So, yes, I may be jinxing the whole thing, I may need to knock on wood. But I hope this stays. She needs this to work.

It would be so wonderful. I'm so very excited.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I am not being paid to endorse any of these products. I am not a doctor, so you will need to consult an actual doctor to get official health advice. You may also notice that cod liver oil is not vegetarian, but that is for another day.