Chickens Lay the Best Surprises

Do you think eggs are boring?  You know, identical white ovoids lined up by sixes in cardboard cartons.  Not so!  Our little backyard flock is always coming up with surprises; it really makes collecting eggs fun.  Our collection of seven is a mix of one- and two-year-old hens.  Last summer when the chicks finally started laying we got a few pee-wee eggs.  The pee-wees were so tiny compared to the eggs from our older hens, the kids (and parents) got a kick out of it.

Once all the girls were laying the same sized eggs we were amazed by the variety in their shapes.  Check these out.  The long skinny ones are the most grin-inducing, but they do make it hard to close the egg carton.

About a week ago one of our poor hens laid a honkin' huge egg.  Here is the shell compared with a normal egg.  The size discrepancy makes the normal egg look like a pee-wee!

Out of those two eggs came this deliciousness:

Yup, that's right.  That ginormous one housed two yolks, twice the best part (in my opinion).  When I was growing up we just called them "double yolkers".  The kids were very excited.  I cooked them sunny-side up and served them to the kiddos, the double yolker to BuggaBoo and the singleton to Doozer.  And, as usual, they both ate their favorite parts.

Doozer's egg.  Notice missing yolk.

BuggaBoo's egg.  Notice missing white.

They're always like this.  This morning I had a saute of bacon ends, mushrooms, onion, sweet potatoes, and chard for breakfast.  Like birds the kids picked from my plate;  BuggaBoo sticking to the veggies and Doozer consuming the bacon (the fattier the better).

How did that ditty go again?

Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
His sister could eat no lean...

Anyways, get some chickens.  They always give you something to look forward to.

Learning a Hard Thing

The other day The Hubby and I engaged in one of our favorite pastimes: scouring Goodwill for good deals. He found one, a movie titled "Baraka". We have been looking for this movie for years, so we snatched it up at the price of $5.00.

The best way to describe "Baraka" is it pulls you through the human experience. Somehow the images, locations, and music draws every emotion out. Many times I smiled and many times I cried. It is a very beautiful experience.

BuggaBoo asked to watch it with us (his aunt and me), and I let him. Oh, boy, does he ever ask questions! There is no speaking so there was nothing to explain it to him except me, and explain I did.

Near the middle of the movie there begins to be depictions of poverty, starting with slums in Brazil, moving to families picking through a garbage dump to glean any useful thing, and then to the homeless living on the streets of wealthy cities. My sister and I were crying at this point and BuggaBoo was becoming very upset. He kept asking what the people were doing, and I told him that they were poor and didn't have any home to live in. He didn't quite understand what that meant, how having money connected with having a home, but he could feel the anguish of it.

He told me, "My throat hurts, it really hurts, what does that mean?" I replied, "My throat hurts when I am very sad and wanting to cry, it hurts for me right now. It's okay to cry, it's sad that these people don't have homes." He just started bawling. And it was hard for me to see my baby so sad about this, my instincts being that my child should not be inconvenienced with painful emotions. But I was proud of him. Proud that he was not cynical, that he could empathize with those in need and want. That he could understand the very basic fact that people are people and deserve basic needs.

Was it wrong of me to expose him to this specific reality? I don't think so. We live near Portland, Oregon. There are an estimated 20,000 homeless people in the state, most of them concentrated in Portland. It is easy to tune them out, to hurry by. It can become easy to disdain them, to rationalize that they caused their situation, "You made your bed now sleep in it."

How many Americans are one paycheck away from losing their home (Psst -- One survey puts it at one-third)? How many Americans are lacking in sufficient health insurance in case of major hospital bills or mental health issues? How many of us are on the edge?

And even if we're in a good place, why does that give us license to look down on those others? For those who are Christianly minded, I'm reminded of the Prodigal Son. You know, left home, squandered his inheritance, lost his home and his friends, and ended up eating pig slop. He went home to see if his father would accept him back as a servant, and instead his father accepted him back as a son. Who was the one chastised? The older brother, displaying his feelings by demanding why he hadn't had a fatted lamb killed for him. The subtext, in my mind, is, "Why are we helping him? He made his own troubles."

For those that are Mormonly minded, I'm going to turn to the Book of Mormon now. It's one of my favorite passages, Mosiah 4: 16-18.

16 And also, ye yourselves will ^asuccor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the ^bbeggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish.

17 Perhaps thou shalt ^asay: The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just—

18 But I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdom of God.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Whoa, that got all political and spiritual and such. I meant it to be a sweet testament to my son, and look where it ended up. I'm not sorry. It is something I feel so strongly about, that we are all people, that we all deserve basic rights, basic respect. Please, don't forget others that fall beneath our living standards. I believe we all knew this as children, what made us forget?

Finally!

Cosleeping: Good for getting kids to share a bed with each other rather than with you all the time.

Since BuggaBoo and Doozer are quite accustomed, nay, adamant about sharing their bed with another body (BuggaBoo only in the mornings now, but he sleeps so well in the morning) I have started dumping Doozer into BuggaBoo's bed after she's "limp limb" asleep. It's been magical. She stays there until about 3am and then she wanders back to the parental bed. And seeing the two kids snuggle each other is priceless.

For a Giggle

(BuggaBoo is running around with his little friend)

BuggaBoo: ...And now I got all your blood out!

Me: WHAT are you guys playing?!

BuggaBoo: (brandishing a two-foot glow stick) We're playing hide-and-seek...with these WEAPONS!

Me: Ah, okay, alright.

Can't Catch a Break

Yesterday BuggaBoo fell and bit his lip badly. We didn't realize how deeply it was cut until later that day when the swelling went down and the bleeding stopped. We took him to the ER where they told us that stitches wouldn't be prudent and rinse it out three times a day.

This morning he woke up looking like this:


The gash has sealed up. His lip feels warm to the touch and he's starting to get a bit of red around the wound. We think some infection is in the sealed part.

Yes, we realize he has problems with his teeth. Our doctor attributes this mostly to his reflux and early eruption of teeth.

So that's been fun.

Earlier today I was cleaning out the chicken pen a bit and BuggaBoo was hanging out watching me. He was doing his normal I'm-three-and-don't-particulary-like-clothing-so-I'm-starkers routine. All the sudden he starts yelling, "Get away! Get away!" and then started screaming.

A wasp had bit him on the penis.

Like I said, poor kid can't get a break.

The Monster in My Bed

BuggaBoo is an interesting creature. He likes things to be done just so, and he likes them to be done NOW! One of his most enjoyable activities is crawling into bed with us at the crack of dawn and nursing. Now, I like this ritual as well, but only so much. My perfect morning would be having the boy child wiggle under the covers, nurse once, and then drift off to sleep for another hour or two. His perfect morning would be to wiggle under the covers, kick The Hubby, demand to nurse, pretend to sleep for five minutes, demand to nurse, and then repeat until he finally wakes up Doozer much too early for her liking.

So mornings are something that need to be dealt with. See, Doozer is a fitful sleeper until about 4:00am, so I'm constantly nursing her or switching sides or trying not to move so she finally settles down. BuggaBoo likes to enter the scene between the hours of 5:00am and 6:00am, and since I can't fall asleep at the speed of light like The Hubby can I often don't get a lot of unbroken sleep. I've tried explaining to BuggaBoo that if I don't get sleep in the morning then I'm a grouchy mommy more prone to yelling and such, but at dawn he's not exactly thinking about the rest of the day.

We tried giving him a bright clock and telling him he can't come into our room until the first number was a seven, but that didn't work so well. He woke up at his normal time, came in, and I informed him it wasn't seven yet and he needed to go back to bed. Then every fifteen minutes, just as I was starting to fall asleep he would yell, "Is it a seven yet?" I would say, "Look at your clock," and he would say, "Oh, not yet!" Then the plug got knocked out of the outlet during play that day and I foresaw the plug-knocking happening every day since I don't have a protected outlet near the clock. I didn't want to reset the clock every night so we needed to think of something different.

What it really comes down to is BuggaBoo is very hungry in the morning. He has discerning tastes and often doesn't want to eat what's for dinner. I tell him that's it, that's what we're having, deal with it, so most of the time he doesn't eat enough and goes to bed with an empty tummy. This translates into massive nursing sessions at dawn o'thirty.

Last night I tried leaving out a snack for BuggaBoo in his bedroom. Inspired by these cute lunch plates I made him an underwater scene. I'm sorry there isn't a picture, it was 11:00pm when I finished! I cut three fish from a low-carb pancake, put them on a blue plate, and gave them raisin eyes and banana leather bubbles. Raw pumpkin seeds were the rocks at the bottom of the fish bowl. Thinly sliced carrots were cut into seaweeds shapes, and nori was cut into waves for the surface of the water. Cheese was cut into a moon and little dots of cheese for stars. It was pretty fun and easy to put together!

BuggaBoo didn't even notice that they were fish. He kept insisting that they were just pancakes! So I'm a bit bummed by that. He still bugged me a lot this morning, but he only nursed once. I had promised to let him paint this morning so he just couldn't stand to see me in bed anymore.

However, there is something happy about all this. He has been in a much better mood this morning. So I think that qualifies this as a success. Hooray! I'm ready to repeat this experiment tomorrow.

There's just one catch. I can't think of tons of food that I can safely leave out overnight that aren't full or starches and sugars. Any ideas?

Sarting the GAPS Diet--In Which I Still Try to Fix Everything With Food

Scatter-brained post ahead!

Ever heard of GAPS? The acronym stands for Gut and Psychology Syndrome. Basically it's the understanding that gut health can affect the rest of your body, including stuff that's "just in your head." ADD? Probably gut related. Autism? Probably gut related. Depression? Gut.

The GAPS Diet is a program you can follow to heal your gut, thereby healing food sensitivities, allergies, mental, and behavioral problems. Many things can damage your digestive tract. The most common are antibiotics, hormonal birth control, chlorinated water, artificial flavors and colors, preservatives, lack of probiotic foods, not being breastfed, and eating improperly prepared foods that contain phytic acid and other anti-nutrients. Whew!

How does this apply to our family? I can't speak for The Hubby because I'm not him and therefore I don't want to air everything of his on the internet, but he's had several courses of antibiotics as a child, ate tons of processed foods and artificial sweeteners, and is diabetic. He's also working nights, which takes such a huge toll on his body and health.

For myself I've also have taken many courses of antibiotics. Looking at the list above I've done everything on it except two things: I was breastfed for a year and I've never taken The Pill.

My kidlets have had it better. They're still both breastfed, BuggaBoo had only one dose of antibiotics in his life (his fever broke right after the dose so we knew it wasn't due to the antibiotics and stopped administering them), they're not vaccinated (thereby decreasing the toxic load on their bodies) and we eat some probiotic containing foods. But I haven't been sprouting and soaking my grains, they eat too much sugar and such, and they are both exhibiting symptoms of food sensitivities.

What are our symptoms? Read on, they're in handy list form!

BuggaBoo's Symptoms

-Major reflux as a baby, will still sometimes spit up food or breast milk at 3.5 years old

All this in 5 minutes, plus more

-Ongoing cradle cap
-Lives for sugars, which negatively impact his behavior and cause extreme mood swings
-Has started to hit himself on the head when frustrated (not sure if this is normal toddler behavior or what)
-"Allergy shiners", dark or red circles around the eyes
-Starting to show sensitivity to noise
-Ongoing vomiting issues with no concrete reason (He started throwing up again Sunday morning, while nursing all over me. Delightful.)
-Often complains of "feeling sick" (our code for nauseous)
-Suspected thrush, but no classical symptoms
-Rotting teeth and malformed jaw


Doozer's Symptoms

-Until recently she wheezed
-Eczema behind and in her ears
-Suspected thrush, but, once again, no classical symptoms
-Yeast diaper rashes when younger

My Symptoms

-Ongoing yeast issues, including skin rashes, slow-to-heal lip splits (taking about 6 weeks), coated tongue, and, erm, the usual for the last 4+ years.
-Depression
-Intense cravings for sugar and other refined carbohydrates
-Bloating and stomach pain
-Incomplete bowel movements
-Acid reflux
-Extreme fatigue
-99.9999% sure I have hypothyroidism
-Weak teeth despite fluoride treatments
-Anxiety
-Sinus issues for, oh, I dunno, since I was about 12. So 15 years. Going dairy free didn't help.
-Brain fog. It cleared up for a bit after I first added fish back into our diet, but now it's back.
-Cradle cap, for as long as I can remember. I've even tried medicated shampoos. Nada.

Due to all of this I decided to try the GAPS Diet. On the 16th of this month I started Phase 1 of the Introduction Diet. It is extremely restrictive. At this stage I am eating:

-Meat and bone broths
-Boiled meat
-The "ooky" stuff left over from making broth, like marrow, chicken skins, cartilage, connective tissue, etc. Eating this stuff is a very important part of the diet.
-Well boiled onions, leeks, broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots.
-Winter and summer squash
-Garlic
-Ginger, chamomile, or mint tea with a small amount of honey
-Sea salt
-Sauerkraut juice (to repopulate my intestinal flora)

The children are eating a less restrictive diet because, well, they're a bit picky. In addition to what they'll eat from the above they're also having:

-Eggs, mostly just the raw yolks
-"Ice cream" from frozen bananas, raw egg yolks, and a bit of honey. Sometimes I add frozen cherries or blackberries.
-Whole milk plain yogurt
-Coconut flour pancakes

The first few days were no fun. I think BuggaBoo was vomiting from a die-off reaction. He also took two long naps on Sunday and was very irritable. I was not a happy camper and felt exhausted. I also had pretty bad headaches, lots of sweating, back and face acne, and a nasty mouth. Doozer was sleepy and cranky. On day three we all seemed to be doing a lot better and I had more energy. Today, Day 5, I'm sleepy again and feel the starts of another headache. My face and back are still breaking out badly.

But I see progress. And that's encouraging. I'm excited to see where this goes and such. I have found for me to feel satisfied on this food I have to eat a lot of fat. My most favorite thing to eat is the "ooky" stuff, but I've been that way since I was a kid. And since all my meat is grassfed the fat tastes so good. Yum! The meat itself is not settling too well for me, but that's okay. I'm perfectly happy to drink broth, snack on veggies, and chow down on "ooky" stuff all day long.

And I've noticed I don't have too many cravings for breads and sweets unless I"m looking at them. This does mean that I have to lay off looking at food blogs (boo!), and it's hard because my dear friend just dropped off some sourdough bread for my family (double boo!). And the kiddos don't quite understand why we're not eating that stuff.

Okay, that about does it for today. Hopefully I'll be a bit more coherent about this later. For now please read these thoughtful posts by Cara at Home, Health, and Happiness, and Jenny at The Nourishing Kitchen. These wonderful ladies wrote about GAPS much better than I did. May I blame it on the detoxing?

Well, That's One Way of Putting It...

(The scene unfolds with BuggaBoo watching me change Doozer's diaper...)

BuggaBoo: Mommy, why are you changer her diaper?

Me: Well, why do you think?

BuggaBoo: Because her is wet?

Me: Yep!

BuggaBoo: Why are you putting on a new diaper?

Me: Well, because I want to catch more pee, and whenever I don't put on a diaper I suffer the consequences.

BuggaBoo: Or the poopequences.

Big Changes Part I

So I hinted in my last post that we aren't exactly vegetarian anymore. And if you aren't exactly vegetarian, then you aren't at all, because it's really an all-or-nothing proposition.

I have strong feelings about eating animals. I've been vegetarian for over four years and vegan for about 2.5 of those years. I read and prayed and studied scripture about this, and I came to the conclusion that animals are not for consumption unless needed for health. I believed that due to modern science and food availability veganism was the healthiest and most spiritual way of eating. I felt that eating animals when not needed was sinful.

Well, I still have those same feelings. What is different is now I believe that for me and my kids eating animals will contribute to our health.

This all started with BuugaBoo's teeth. He had some major reflux as a baby, and will still spit up sometimes if he eats or nurses and then runs around. It runs in The Hubby's side of the family. His first teeth erupted at 3.5 months, and he had a mouthful of pearly whites by the time he was one. They were beautiful.

Right after he reached his first birthday his front upper teeth began to decay. This is him around the age of two, notice his upper teeth:



And I don't know why he looks so old in this picture, must be the angle and the lighting. Believe me, this is when he was younger, he has a ton more hair now.

My midwife and pediatrician chalked up his tooth decay to the reflux. A dentist we saw said it was due to night nursing, which I totally disagree with. We became extra diligent about brushing his teeth and the decay stopped. It got to the point that when we took BuggaBoo into a pediatric dentist the dentist didn't even know he had decay, he thought BuggaBoo had malformed teeth. It took a lot of insistence on my part that his teeth came in perfect for him to believe us. His confusion stemmed from the fact that BuggaBoo's side incisors were worse than the middle ones. He said the only way that would happen is if his side incisors came in first. When I informed the dentist that exactly what happened, he then agreed that the decay stemmed from the reflux.

A few months ago BuggaBoo's teeth started decaying again, despite the fact that we were careful to brush his teeth and he's been nightweaned since 20 months old. This is what his teeth looked like on his third birthday:


So I started reading a lot about how to nutritionally heal cavities, because the proposed plan of action was fillings or extractions. And I ran across this thread and thought, "Huh? Tooth spacing? Baby teeth are supposed to have GAPS?!"

Why, yes, yes they are. Like so:

source

The gaps provide ample space for the adult teeth to erupt. Did you know that teeth are supposed to be straight? Straight teeth are normal, braces are here to correct jaw deformities. Wisdom teeth are supposed to stay in the mouth. In order to have enough space for all your adult teeth you need to have wide dental arches.

source

Notice this diagram has all molars present and the teeth are not crowded. Compare this drawing to this mold of a narrow dental arch:

source

Actually, that last example looks a lot like my bottom teeth. Here is a picture of my top teeth:


I always liked my unique teeth, I like the way they look. They are very tight, so flossing is a big problem for me since I often shred the dental floss. Also, if I get kissed too hard or I accidentally bump my mouth my teeth will slightly split my bottom lip, and I often get canker sores from that.

I went in for a braces consultation once and the orthodontist said he wanted to pull 4 of my molars(!) to make room for the other teeth. I asked why they wouldn't pull my wisdom teeth (I still have them, they have not erupted yet) and he never gave me a good enough answer.

Where was I? Diet? Right. So I had always thought that teeth were the result of genetics and that was that. So I was surprised to run across internet mommas who had fixed their children's teeth issues with nutrition. And the way they were healing their teeth was by eating animals products.

The nutritional regime that seems to work the best is lots of raw milk and milk products, lots of animals fats, lots of organ meats, lots of bone broths, lots of cod liver oil, lots of fermented foods, lot of raw eggs.

So, in the next part I'll talk about how this jives with our family.

Part II here.

Conversations Over Doughnuts

The scene opens with the family making a dinner of doughnuts. I have no shame...

Me: Do you want some of this apple fritter, BuggaBoo?

BuggaBoo: No, I'm eating this one (motions to his old-fashioned doughnut)

Me: Oh, do you like that one?

BuggaBoo: Yeah! It tasteses like....mustaches.

We Interrupt this Packing...

With an interlude of illness. BuggaBoo started burning a fever last night, and he's still warm this morning with aches and pains. I'm pretty sure it's the flu, since everyone around us besides myself and Doozer have had it.

When asked what he wanted to do today, he replied, "I want to nurse on Mommy in bed." How can I deny such a sweet request? So I'm going to do my best to ignore all the packing that still needs to be done, and count my blessings that The Hubby has neither work nor school today. Wish me luck!

Please, Train, Please Slow Down

Did I say I was going to do a give-a-way in my last post. Bwa-ha! I'm just hanging on for the ride right now.

We're moving in a few weeks. Guys, this new place is divine. It's just down the street from where we live now, but it's an actual house. The lot is a third on an acre and there are an apple tree, plum tree, pear tree, and grapes in the backyard, which is totally fenced. The landlords and encouraging us to garden as much as we want to and are letting us keep chickens. With my research I'm finding we can keep six hens, so I'm so super excited to be eating pastured eggs again.

In other news, I've had some preliminary muscle testing on the kids to identify food allergens. Doozer came up positive to wheat and milk, and they cause her respiratory issues. BuggaBoo came up positive to milk, peanuts, sugar, and xylitol, and they give him behavioral issues.

So I've been trying to avoid those things for the kids' food as well as my own. See, since I'm still breastfeeding both chilluns I need to stay away from their allergens or they'll just be getting them through me. I haven't been 100% with the wheat, but I've been perfect for milk, xylitol, and peanuts and pretty okay with sugar.

Oh, boy, the sugar. The first few days I took BuggaBoo off the sweet stuff he was having major withdrawal symptoms. The only sugar he was getting was a tiny bit in some of Dave's Killer Bread and some in organic tomato sauce we were using to replace his ketchup. The poor boy would ignore whatever needed dipping and was DRINKING the tomato sauce from the little cup it was in. He then would ask for more, which I would decline. Many tantrums during this time.

BUT! Yesterday BuggaBoo was playing some computer games. After I while I decided it was time for him to get off, and braced for the expected screaming-meemie meltdown. Instead he said, "Okay!", hopped off, and played with real toys. I tell you, not having the constant screaming is worth this detoxing headache I have right now.

I'm feeling very positive about all the changes going on in our lives right now. I'll keep you updated on my cleanse, which at this point is just cutting out sugar, peanuts, and all gluten. I want to avoid gluten until I can get Doozer more thoroughly tested. It would be lovely to have my little girl go longer than a week without wheezing and hacking.

Have a wonderful day!

Not a Baby Anymore

BuggaBoo, you are getting to be such a big boy!




You turned three this last December, and you have my deepest apologies for that cake. My excuse is life was super crazy and you at least got to pick the boxed mix and the can of frosting. Why was I not surprised when you picked sprinkles?

It seems not that long ago I was in the tub, excited to meet my first little one. We didn't even know you were a boy!


Yours was a leisurely pregnancy, going three weeks late, which ended in a leisurely labor, three days warming up and then a 12 hours "sprint" to the end. You were born four minutes before midnight, the day before my Grandpa's birthday.


You were 8 pounds, 9 ounces, 21.5 inches long. Your head was 14.25 inches, and perfectly round (ouch!) You gave my Mom a scare by not breathing for the first two minutes, but you perked right up. You nursed like a champ after we settled into bed, although looking at the pictures I can tell I had a lot to learn about breastfeeding.


Your birth was perfect and amazing and taught me not to be afraid. Your birth made me a mommy. I really can't believe you're three already. Thank you for being my baby. Thank you for being my son.



I look forward to many more years and many more moments with you. I love you.

-Your Mommy

Puppet Master

I'm still officially on my blogging break, but this was too cute not to commit to the blog.

Recently, as in about four days ago, BuggaBoo has fallen in love. Deeply, irrevocable in love (at least, until he's grown out of this stage).

He loves puppets. Specifically, Duck Puppet and Striped Sock Puppet.

Actually, he thinks of puppets as strange beings that are their own entities but have to be controlled by parents. They are his new best friends. He will tell the puppets anything.

He will do anything the puppets tell him to do.

Is he throwing a tantrum because his parents told he couldn't have candy AND chocolate pudding? Is that tantrum lasting longer than 45 minutes? Have the parents explained over and over again that he had a choice between the two and he chose candy and CANNOT HAVE PUDDING!? Well, Duck Puppet can tell him, and BuggaBoo will accept it. Just like that, all done, no more tantrum.

D0 we, the parents, want BuggaBoo to pee in the toilet even if he is wearing a diaper to catch accidents? Too bad, he won't. But if Duck Puppet asks him to, he's all over it.

BuggaBoo doesn't want to brush his teeth for bed? Sock Puppet can accomplish the feat with minimal protesting.

So we, the parents, are actually enjoying the Reign of the Puppets. At least we get to speak for the puppets.

Mwahahahahaha!

A Sunday Update on Life

So, where to begin?

We recently started EC'ing with Doozer again. We promptly stopped after starting because life became hectic. However, she is now big enough to use a toilet seat insert and she loves it. As evidenced by this picture of her loving it:


And how about another one? This time, cute, chubby, nakey baby:


She still wets diapers at night but always pees and poos in the morning. She is, ah, demanding to use the potty about 60% of the time. It's been a lot easier using the seat insert rather than holding her over the sink.

A while ago The Hubby purchased a wagon and the kids love playing with it.









You may notice our kids are starkers a lot. Well, a lot of that is due to having to change or potty Doozer often, and BuggaBoo has been potty training all summer. He has a nearly perfect track record if he's naked from the waist down. This has apparently caused distress among some of the neighbors, since BuggaBoo will play in the front yard while in an undressed state. We live in a somewhat cul-de-sac produced by the apartment parking lot, so it's not like he's running around town like this. And last time I checked he was, uh, two. I don't know maybe I'm missing something. Dear Readers, what is your opinion on this? At what age does public nudity become a cultural sin? I'm feeling around 3.5 to 4 years old throw some clothes on the kid for normal play, and I'm okay with a 5 year old being naked for water play. What do you think?

Anyways, back to the cute happenings of my family.

Oh, this happened several weeks ago. Broke my heart.


I mean, how pathetic. I assure you I swiftly swept her into bed.

Buggaboo was so proud yesterday for reaching this screen in his game he made me take a picture of it.



Twice.


And, I think that's it. So enjoy your Sunday, I hope it's a great one.

I'm in a dark mood so this will be a dark, if ironically an enlightening, post.

I spent the last week at my family's place. I went to help my li'l sister out with her new baby because her hubby was leaving to Denver for some job training.

Visiting my family is hard. I love them so much and when I'm living in my own world I enhance the good things I miss. When I'm with my family then I'm also confronted with all the hard, and I regress to what I've been trying to leave behind in myself.

This time was especially hard because I hadn't balanced myself from the three-week stay in July when I went up for my brother's graduation. Because of reverting back to my former self I've been raging against my little family and myself, but BuggaBoo is getting the brunt of it for the sin of being a willful toddler. He has taken to tracking my moods, asking me dozens of times a day if I'm happy, and if I answer otherwise he starts crying.

So today The Hubby took the children out for a long walk and I tackled the kitchen, listening to music cranked way up (sorry, neighbors). Today must be "ballads about horrible relationships" day on Pandora, and that got me thinking about my parents and their marriage and how we were affected. Two songs in particular really hit me hard, "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem and Rihanna, and "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga. And, please trust me, they may be rap and pop songs and the Lady Gaga song may be mostly frippery, but they at least started the thoughts rolling around in my head.

My parents don't have a very good marriage. It's the elephant in the room we're not supposed to point out. So while doing the dishes I was ruminating on how my siblings and I have a hard time in our marriages and sometimes with our kids. We want to have different experiences in our family but we don't know how because the omnipresent example was how our parents interacted with each other an us. We know what we want to be but we don't know how to get there.

And then I realized that my parents' relationship has nothing to do with us. Let me say that again, with caps: IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH US KIDS. My parents' marriage was about them, their individual relationships with us had to do with us. If we had never been born or had been different people it would have been the same between them. We never had the power to control their emotions, actions, or reactions. No matter how good or bad we were they CHOSE to have the marriage they have.

I am not laying blame at the feet of my father and mother. Just in the way that I can not control their actions they cannot control mine. And also, just in the way that I do not know how to act because of their example they do not know how because they never had a good example, either. My father never learned how to show any emotions except for happiness or anger. Even the anger he could not show as a child, but learned that the fear of anger can make a child comply, that the strong (his father) use that technique, and so that how he handles us. My mother did not learn how to react to a frontal attack because her parents did not act that way, her mother uses guilt to mold her children. And so my mother will use guilt with us. And this is how they treat each other.

So, what do I do? I am breaking the spirit of my son because I don't have myself under control. I feel the rage creeping up wanting to take over, wanting me to hurt my child. I abuse him emotionally but stopping short of physically doing so, but just barely. What is it about this small, beautiful child that makes me so angry? That makes me want to harm him?

Honestly, there is nothing about HIM that MAKES me do anything. Just as I do not have control over my parents he does not have control over me. I am trying to excuse myself by saying it is his fault. It isn't. It isn't my parents' fault. It is mine. As my brother said this last week I am an adult now, what happened as a child is done.

So, I am writing this out for me, to be able to look back and remember that I said this: I am owning my problem. This is about me, I need to find a way to fix it. I don't know how yet, but I know why and when. Why, because I love my babies and The Hubby and I don't want to hurt them. And the when is now. This starts now.

So, Mom, I know you're reading this. Stop feeling guilty. No, you're not perfect. Neither is Dad. But Dad and you didn't do this to me. I am doing this to myself, but no longer.

Twilight: The Nursing Years

So it's official, I live with two vampires of the milky variety. Between the two of my chilluns I've been sucked dry, mostly of my emotional sanity. Don't worry about my milk supply, I honestly think I could support triplets.

Doozer is teething/growth-spurting/mastering the new skill of pulling herself up. This leads to nursing and holding marathons. She usually sleeps long stretches at night, but because of the aforementioned reasons she is staying latched on nearly the whole night with a 1-2 hour break in the early morning.

BuggaBoo is driving me crazy with the nursing. I'm torn about this, because when I dig down deeply I know that I love our nursing relationship, but his lack of patience is wearing me thin, thin, thin. He had been eating a lot of solids a few days ago, horking down as much food as we, the parents, do, but now he is back to mostly nursing. I'm afraid to cut him off, however, because his vomiting episodes usually follow a nursing marathon.

To show you how stressed I am, here this is: Although I am a strong believer in child-led weaning I have thought about weaning BuggaBoo completely. But it's not time, his nursing need hasn't been fulfilled yet. Nursing is the most important thing to him, he'll will choose it over almost anything. He will choose it over cookies, ice cream, and frosting, which are his favorite desserts.

As more evidence I'm going to relate our night-weaning experience. When I was 3 months pregnant with Doozer BuggaBoo was about 20 months old. He was still nursing every hour or two at night and staying latched for 15-45 minutes at a time. I was exhausted from growing a new baby and decided to night-wean the boy. Our agreement was he could nurse to sleep and nurse in the morning (loosely, after 6am) but that was it. Well, it was a month of screaming and crying and holding my breasts and touching a mole on my chest (he always touches it while we nurse) and going crazy. But after the month he was night-weaned and would ask to nurse at night about once a week, which I declined.

So by the time Doozer was born he had been night-weaned for six months. He still sleeps with us on a twin bed next to our queen. Well, it started when she was born and still continues to this day: BuggaBoo hears Doozer nursing and asks to nurse. He cries when I say no. Still. It's not every night, but it's often enough to be annoying.

So, to sum up the whole story, even if I were to wean BuggaBoo right now it would be absolute hell for the both of us because I'm still nursing Doozer and he would feel (rightfully) hurt every time he saw her nurse.

So we plug along. I don't do much in the way of housework. I'm feeling pressure from some about that because doncha know that a clean house is the good mark of a mother? I feel all touched out by the end of the day, and being touched by anyone else *coughTheHubbycough* gives me the skeevies. Oh, heck, even the kids touching me gives me the all-overs. I usually can't take a bath without one or the other in there with me, nursing away and splashing water all over the book I happen to be reading at the time (I try not to take library books in with me).

But the worst part of it all is I often feel like I've cheated BuggaBoo, that we had Doozer too soon for his needs. If it was just him then we could nurse whenever, without having to share or wait or scream. Nursing wouldn't be a battle of the wills, it would be me and my baby. Sometimes I feel Doozer could have waited.

Which then makes me feel guilty, because I LOVE this little girl, and I'm so happy she's here so then I think if BuggaBoo wasn't around so much then I could just have a relationship with her, and she's being shafted because BuggaBoo can't leave me alone.

We mothers are great about bringing on the guilt trips.

Pass the Chalk

BuggaBoo has become quite the artist. He is loving his chalk, both outdoors and in.Because of the best daddy in the world BuggaBoo has a huge chalkboard in our kitchen, created with some blackboard paint. Very cool stuff, we'll need to take pictures sometime.

Anyway, back to the budding artist. All of this kinda started with his obsession of adding eyes to everything. Here's his first gallery. Surface, asphalt; medium, washable chalk.

"Circles and Triangle and Cute Little Toes"




"Fish"




"Three Fish"




"Whale"




"Ring Around the Chalk Pile"




"Concentric Circles with Foot for Scale"




The artist himself, age 2.5 years




The hand that created it all




The little sister, who burbles,




and laughs,




and who can't




quite




sit still.




And the Mom.




And a sighting of Bigfoot.




Right?

More Witty Remarks From the Boy

(We enter the scene with BuggaBoo, Doozer, and Mommy watching Daddy play "Heroes of Might and Magic 5", a fantasy game...)

BuggaBoo: (seeing some minotaurs) What are those?

Daddy: They're half bulls, half people, they're called minotaurs.

BuggaBoo: Are they like cows?

Mommy: Yes, they're like cows.

BuggaBoo: I'm talking to Daddy.

Daddy: Yes, they're like cows.

BuggaBoo. Oh. (to Mommy) They're like cows, Mommy.

Mommy: Oh, really...

Very Quick Update

We went to the pediatrician today for Doozer's 6 month appointment, everything is doing well. But I just wanted to let ya'll know that BuggaBoo's ultrasound came back clear, so as far as we know right now there isn't a "structural" reason for the vomiting.

There is a college of naturopathy in Portland, you're able to see three student naturopaths for $20 (or so we've heard). They're overseen by their teachers, so it's a good way to get quality naturopath care for not a lot of money. I think we'll take BuggaBoo there next to rule out food sensitivities.

So, there you go. That was a quick update, wasn't it?