If you don't know I've been doing daycare the last few months. I was watching kids from two different families. One mother became pregnant and is taking time off work because of morning sickness so I haven't had her kids for a few weeks. The other family I've been watching until today. Yes, as the title says, today was my last day doing daycare.
AND I'M GLAD! Oh boy. I thought I would be okay doing it for maybe two more weeks, but I'm glad The Hubby talked me into quitting four weeks before my due date instead of two. Because I was a crazy woman for thinking I would be willing/able to do this for two more weeks.
I forgot how much pregnancy takes out of you, especially this last month. All I want to do is hunker down in my home, become a recluse, and take care of my family. Oh, and frantically clean. Yes, the term is "nesting" and I've been feeling it for weeks now. Which I'm taking to be a good sign, I never nested with BuggaBoo. And he came three weeks late. My mother actually came down and MADE ME NEST. She cruelly forced me to clean my house, saying that my son was late because I hadn't nested yet. I love you, Mom!
This time, totally different. I want to have at least a dozen loaves of bread frozen so we have a 6 weeks supply of bread. I want my house to be spotless. Now. And for all those who know me personally this is a Big Deal. Because I've never been big into having a clean personal space. Remember, dear sisters of mine, how I could have half my bed covered with junk and still sleep in it? And for those who didn't grow up with me and think I'm exaggerating, I'm not. I wish I had pictures of those days.
I'm also doing dishes about three times a day, which makes me laugh because nobody in my family likes to do the dishes. Not even my mom, even though she does do them. And I don't have a dishwasher. My new phrase of the day is, "Not right now, BuggaBoo, I'm doing the dishes." What is wrong with me? Hopefully nothing. Hopefully this urge to clean is NOT nesting but maturity and it will continue for the rest of my life. It's just a coincidence it's showing up the last few months of my pregnancy, right?
So, back to the daycare thing, I'm glad I'm done. I'm glad I don't have to feel guilty anymore about cleaning my house and not theirs. I'm glad I don't feel guilt about making my meals and not theirs. I'm glad I don't have to be a surrogate mother. Because, let's be frank. If you are watching children day in and day out you are in charge of some of their development, emotional and physical. You need to be sure they do their homework. You act like their parent, but in some ways you have to be better because you're being paid. And because you're being paid their needs come before your own child's needs, or your own body's needs. And I'm glad that's over.
I will miss these kids. I love them to pieces and they're great and it's fun having them around. They can come visit. I just can't be responsible for them right now. Some of it is I want to be mothered. I want someone to come take care of me. And if I feel that way how can I fulfill the needs of other little people? I can't.
And, no, I'm not doing daycare after the baby is born. I can't. I'm going to have a new little person in my life. BuggaBoo is going to have to adjust to this new little attention-stealer and I need to be in my best frame of mind to deal with this.
Also, I had postpartum depression with BuggaBoo. And it was not the weepy, crying, want-to-run-away kind of depression. It was the raging, angry, want-to-throw-my-child-against-the-wall kind of depression. The kind of scary depression where The Hubby had to call in sick a few times because he was afraid I was going to hurt BuggaBoo. So, no thank you, I will not watch your children with this devil lurking inside me. Because I am going to need all my strength to take care of me and my own, and I just can't help you out. As much as you may need help I cannot be the one to give it to you.
And that's just how it is.
pale pink Issey Miyake skirt
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